It was always sink or swim anyway
I had a fun little bout of body dysmorphia this week after our nephew’s wedding.
I had posted pictures of myself on social media hoping people would tell me I was pretty. And then people told me I was pretty!
And then I started to wonder if I was really pretty. And then my face started to look like just a bunch of shapes. And I started asking my best friend if I was really pretty or if it was just a face. Is it my hair that makes me pretty? Do I not look like myself in makeup? Am I only pretty with makeup? Am I only pretty without it?
And I wasn’t asking her to reassure me. I really didn’t know. I really wanted to know.
And she said, honey, this is just another side of your dysmorphia.
Oh. Right. That.
So I changed the channel for myself. Am I pretty? I don’t know or care. It’s not my business today.
It’s not my business today.
This has been happening too as I both get a smaller body while building muscles and changing my shape. When I focus on my body changes, I start to focus on my body. And I stop being able to see my body. Suddenly it is a bunch of shapes. Am I changing or is it all in my head? And what does it mean? About me?
(Spoiler alert: It doesn’t mean anything about me. It’s the result of the exercises I do consistently.)
I’m 46. I’m happily and lovingly married. I have my sugar addiction under control. But some of these issues, food and eating and body too, are only ever dormant. Never really dead.
I have learned to ride the waves. It still sucks. Sometimes I fall off. But it’s only ever been sink or swim anyway. It’s just that now I know how to swim.
onceafatgirl 