This one maybe has too many different metaphors?
I heard someone say this week that having a bigger life is not actually about adding, but about giving up. I immediately understood what she meant. Because I’m an addict.
But it’s not just about drugging or not drugging myself with food. It’s about all of the ways I fail to be present. Not just fail to be. Avoid being present.
I have a lot of compassion for my childhood self. I think one thing I have learned in recovery is that we do the things because they work. They help. They protect us. Until they don’t. They hurt. They kill us instead.
But food was my friend for a long time. Smoking was my friend for a long time. 15 cups of coffee a day were my friends for a long time.
But there is so much more. Resentful people pleasing and martyrdom were my friends. Suffering. Perfectionism. Overthinking.
As I peel back the layers of my own inauthenticity, by intentionally seeking peace, by cultivating my own joy, by curating my time, I can see all of the ways that I have been choosing various different kinds of protections, much like the protection food was.
There is a Zen Buddhist saying. Before Enlightenment, chop wood, carry water; After Enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.
The goings on of my day are much the same. Laundry and dishes and cooking. Knitting and crocheting and audiobooks.
But to be at peace, with both my actions and my inactions, to enjoy my moments for the moments themselves, to become freer and less encumbered by the expectations and the “truths and understandings” of others every day, is making me happy. Content. Pleased.
Present
I *want* to be present. I want to be here. Wherever here is. Right here at this moment. I’m starting to recognize that it’s the only place magic lives.
But here comes the annoying part. This actual shucking of inauthenticity takes time. So much time. So much work. So much growth. So much vulnerability…But mostly it’s the time. It’s hard to remember that this new era of my life right here took 18 years of work just to arrive at, and I just now feel like I am scratching the surface of the goldmine.
What do I know about gold mining? Maybe I am about to strike it rich.
I guess if you need me I will be over here peeling off my layers of protection…
onceafatgirl 