onceafatgirl

Peace is better than chocolate

Archive for the tag “binge eating”

In case you missed it, it has already begun…

Another Halloween over. Of course, Halloween kicks off our collective debauched food binge that lasts through the extreme hangover that is New Years Day. The day we firmly resolve that this year we will be better. We will lose weight and drink more water and less alcohol and stop yelling at our kids and be better listeners.

I am so grateful that I don’t have to play that game anymore. Of course, at this particular moment I am most grateful that I did not have to eat compulsively just because it was Halloween. Trick or treat would have been, without a doubt, all trick and no treat.

I handed out the candy this year. Which wasn’t hard, because I don’t crave it since I haven’t had it in my body for over 8 years. And there weren’t many kids since it was so cold, so there is still a whole bunch of candy in the house. But thank God I don’t have to eat it. Thank God it’s not mine. Thank God I don’t have to start, and then be expected to stop. Because I don’t know if I have another stop in me. And I don’t want to find out.

I also love that I still love Halloween. I love dressing up. I love my own creativity. I love the chance to show off how clever I am. I love getting to wear a costume I can feel beautiful in. (I was Miss America this year. Complete with evening gown, tiara, sash and running mascara.) In a body I can feel beautiful in. I love that I don’t have to feel deprived. Of fun. Or chocolate. Because the truth is that I would not have just eaten some chocolate. And I wouldn’t have just eaten all of the chocolate. I would have eaten the things I didn’t want or like. I would have eaten everything that was there. And then I would have gotten more. I would have needed to go get more. I would not have been able to not get more. But instead, I get to still love Halloween because I don’t have to eat myself to shame and self-loathing. I love that I get to wake up with some dignity. Even after the binge-fest that is National Candy Day.

So now it is time to beware the Holiday Season. I may not be in danger, but food is still dangerous to me. Even after all this time. I don’t take it lightly. I protect myself from my eating disorders. By remembering that I am eternally a compulsive eater. Hopeless and without a cure. By making sure that the meals I make myself are delicious and decadent while keeping them within my eating boundaries. By remembering that I am addicted to sugars, grains and starches. By remembering how eating compulsively manifests in my life. On my body in the form of 150 more pounds. And in my personality in the form of lying, cheating and stealing. And in my heart as depression and self-hatred. I remember these things because I want to continue to wake up with dignity.

I may have made it through Halloween, but there is more to come. Pumpkin Pie and Christmas cookies. Mashed potatoes and stuffing. Wine and eggnog. There is little time to take a breath between bites and gulps for the rest of the year. For other people. For me, there is plenty of time. Hours and hours between my three meals a day. To do and be. As long as I keep my head on straight and keep the boundaries around my eating.

So I hope you had a Happy Halloween. And I wish you a peaceful Holiday Season. Because it has already begun.

I binge, therefore I am

I binged yesterday.
On crocheting and episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

(OK. Joking about bingeing was probably a mean thing to do to some of you. My food boundaries are intact. You can breathe now.)

It’s funny the way being an addict never leaves me. If I ever get cocky about food and wonder if I could just have a little, just one, just a taste, I would do well to remember that I couldn’t even turn off Netflix. I also crocheted for an extra hour after I said I was going to bed last night.

It’s good though. I am not ashamed of my compulsive side. Not anymore. It doesn’t ruin (or run) my life anymore. It’s just part of the way it is.

One of the biggest problems of compulsive eating was that I resented every other activity. I wanted to be eating all the time. And frankly, I usually was. I often just didn’t do what I was supposed to because I refused to stop eating long enough to sober up from the sugar to do it. And if I did, it was half assed and with bad grace.

Yes, yesterday I put off writing my blog so I could watch one more episode. (OK, one more. Alright just one more.) But I am writing today. I am enjoying it. I can accept that life is not one long Buffy marathon.

I had to learn to make friends with my personality. I had to learn to deal with myself the way I am. I’m a binger. But binge watching TV shows every once in a while doesn’t kill me. Neither does binge crocheting.

Binge eating, of course, was killing me. So I put boundaries around my eating and I keep them there. That was also part of making friends with myself the way I am.

I didn’t have to try to change everything about myself. I just had to figure out what I could do about myself. And then give myself a lot of room to be human.

If I could have made myself into the kind of person who could eat just one, I think I would have jumped on that in a heartbeat. But that never worked for me. So I found a solution and I stick with it. And thank God!

And if I decide to be obsessive compulsive until I get through all 7 seasons and finish my sweater, in between work and meals and blogs and laundry, well so be it. I can live with that.

(And to all of my peers, while I am thoroughly enjoying my nostalgia, if you plan on jumping on the Buffy wagon, be warned: it may make you feel old. And want to go out and buy go go boots.)

Post Navigation