onceafatgirl

Peace is better than chocolate

Archive for the month “June, 2026”

28 Jun 2026

No FO cause I’m not MO

I am alone in my new condo eating a delicious lunch while my husband and his family are eating at a restaurant a few miles away and I am exactly where I want to be. No FOMO here. In fact, it would have been the other way around. If I were there I would be wishing I could have my crunchy cheese and my spicy pickles.

I used to love to go out to eat. But now, it is more likely that I will eat better at home than at a restaurant. Because having great vegetables is not a high priority at most restaurants.

So when I was told the place my husband’s family were planning on eating, I looked up the menu and it was clear I was not going to be able to order directly off the menu there. And when that is the case, it generally means I’m not going to *enjoy* any meal there. If I have to get it made specially, it will probably be plain. It will be steamed and boiled. It will be something cobbled together. And not include spicy pickles.

Instead I ate a super delicious meal that I made that was filling and flavorful and I knew I would like. 

Also, I love to be alone with my food. To eat by myself is a great joy for me. I hope everyone else is having just as nice a meal as I am! 

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21 Jun 2026

I can’t have my cake and condo too

As I get close to the end of my home saga, and everything changes, little by little until it’s one giant completed new chapter, I am so grateful that I am not shoving food in my face. Because this whole experience has been and continues to be *uncomfortable!*

If I were eating sugar and eating compulsively, I would be an absolute wreck. This whole process may have gotten done. But it would have come with costly mistakes, important things falling through the cracks, and my very bad attitude making everything worse and more difficult and frustrating and scary. 

And I would have been miserable. And even when the whole thing was done, it would have been filled with shameful memories of ways I behaved. 

And all that time I would hate myself. Eating compulsively makes me hate myself.

I don’t hate fatness. And I could be fat and happy. By some standards, I AM fat and I am certainly happy. But I cannot eat compulsively, eat drug foods, eat addictively and be happy. So if I were to let myself eat the way I used to, while I stuffed cake in my mouth I would simultaneously feel better (high/numb) and worse (ashamed) and I would hate myself the entire time. 

It’s not the body. It’s the eating. 

So IF I had the kind of life where I manifested my dream home while I was eating compulsively (doubtful) I still would have been filled with dread. I still would have been filled with bad energy! 

As we get closer to selling our house, and moving exclusively to our smaller condo, I get scared all over again. About space. About downsizing. My body panicks pretty regularly. And if I were in the food, I would be filled with regrets. 

But I am not! I am clear headed, capable, even tempered, genuinely excited and joyful! I know that 80% of the hard part is done. And while I have not enjoyed every moment of the process, all in all it has been a time of wonder. A dream come true. 

(Oh, and also I have been giving away as much stuff as I can when I have a moment. So you know…taking action helps.) 

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14 Jun 2026

“Are we playing Whiny Babies?” -Emily Henry

I was having a hard time coming up with a topic today because the main thing taking up my brain space is embarrassing to admit. Whiny. Cranky. Unenlightened. Bad vibes. 

Here’s the thing. I feel personally disrespected by a thing that happened recently. But when I look at it, in context of the situation, I have no right to expect literally anything. It is not for me, it is not about me. So I just backed out of a small event. And normally that would be totally cool. I usually appreciate that not everything is for me. 

So why am I still thinking about it? On a loop? I really don’t know. But I am not over it. I am still offended.

One of the things I know, partially because I am old, and partially because I am a spiritual seeker, is that ideas are nothing without hands. The most brilliant concept still needs a body to make it come true. Faith without works is dead. And there is no faith and are no works without tribulations.

So I can be over here on this side of my screen writing about a life beyond my wildest dreams, and talking about good vibes and the power of our minds, which I believe in wholeheartedly. But it doesn’t mean anything if you don’t know I am also petty and judgmental and can’t let go of a minor slight. (It really is so minor. I’m an absolute whiny baby.) 

I guess this means that there is something that I need to look at, change, figure out. Because I firmly believe this is a gift and a lesson. A sign. Or why would I still be thinking about it?

And it has to be about me, because I honestly don’t have a relationship with the person I’m upset with. And I literally may never see some of the people again in my life. 

But I believe emotions are sign posts. And while I was eating all of my be feelings, I couldn’t read any of directions. But now, 20 years of feelings later, I can feel them, analyze and evaluate them, and then get to work. 

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07 Jun 2026

Whatever it is, it’s not a moral issue

There is a way of thinking about life that I chose after well over a decade of having my eating under control. And it is that whenever I don’t get what I think I want, I choose that Life or God or The Universe is protecting me from something I will never know. And it has changed everything in my experience.

Now, if I drop or mis-weigh some expensive food, I assume it would have given me food poisoning. It’s actually easy to “give up” poisoned food. When I missed my exit driving back home this morning at first I was super annoyed. And then I decided I got saved from an accident or an emergency. Driving an extra 11 or 12 miles to avoid pain and harm is a no brainer. It would not make me feel bad. But missing my exit because I made a mistake? That would have been my “fault.”

Nothing changed about the circumstances. The only thing that changed was my framing. But what that framing does, is take morality out of the equation.

Because it “feels bad” to make a mistake. And that makes me feel bad about myself. But there is no real morality in it. It is just an unmet expectation. I expected to get home 20 minutes before I actually got home. Sometimes I expect to eat some particular tomatoes, but then I drop them and those tomatoes end up at the bottom of a dirty garbage disposal. I’m not going to eat them either way. So I can feel bad about it or I can reframe it.

I used to go looking for the meaning and morality in all things. And now I trust that as long as I keep my eating under control and don’t eat my drug foods, the meaning will find me. I trust that Life is looking out for me. And that as long as I am living according to my conscience, whatever it is, it’s not a moral issue. 

And as for the reality of the actual individual situations, I can’t prove that I was spared something , but you also can’t prove me wrong…

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