onceafatgirl

Peace is better than chocolate

Archive for the month “May, 2026”

17 May 2026

At least on par with my wildest dreams

Over the past few weeks, since we started the process of buying our new condo, it occurred to me that at 48 years and eleven months old, my childhood dreams are all coming true. 

I love my body, I am a decade married to the childhood crush of my life who I lost touch with for 20 years, and now I am going to be traveling the country but coming home to a high rise South Loop Chicago apartment with amazing city views, and some of the best public transportation in the world. 

And all of that has me 1) recognizing how powerful I am. And 2) realizing that I don’t know what I want for the future.

I have been asking myself what I want to create for myself, who I want to be, and what that would look like. And frankly I am coming up blank. 

And not just coming up blank. Blocked. It feels like hitting a different kind of glass ceiling. Self imposed, and at least a little opaque. A frosted glass ceiling if you will.

So I have been looking. For directions on how to unblock my creativity. For physical actions I can take to shift my thinking. For solutions, both practical and woowoo.

Because if there is one thing I have learned about my life since I have had my eating under control, it is that if I seek, I will find. Maybe not what I expected, but something as good or better than I asked for.

So I am out here seeking. What I want to put out into space. How to be more authentically myself. How to be of service in the best way for me. How to hold my own joy and peace and also bring joy and peace to the people around me. What my next right move would be. 

I trust that as long as I keep my drug foods out of my body and live my most authentic life, that I will continue to have a life beyond my wildest dreams. Or at least on par. 

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10 May 2026

An excess of homes

The next month is going to be long and difficult. Two moves. From two different places to two other places. At basically the same time. While my husband works most days. So a lot will be  up to just me.

We are moving from our apartment on the road to a new apartment on the road for my husband’s next job. And we are in the process of buying a city condo, and selling our suburban house. That is going to mean lot of driving and lifting and moving and driving back. A lot of planning ahead and scheduling because one of our buildings requires the reservation and use of a service elevator. 

And we have not been planning to make one big move per house. We have been planning to do what we can with the time we have. Which is already split between 2 houses. (As my mom pointed out from 5/27-6/1 we will be in possession of four (4) homes. Which is doubtless excessive.)

I have my eating under control. I have time between my meals, and clarity between my ears, to break my life into tasks and check them off one at a time. I have the wherewithal to know when I don’t know what is going on and to call someone to ask for help, or information, or to ask to be pointed in the direction of help and information. 

Having my eating under control means that I don’t have the option of getting so high I can ignore my little problems until they become big problems.  

Don’t get me wrong. I am feeling pretty anxious about the next month. But not that it won’t all work out. Just that I know it will be uncomfortable, and sometimes trying, and probably pretty stressful in the moment. 

But this too shall pass. And when it does I will be in a home of my dreams. 

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03 May 2026

It’s not called a super chill system for a reason

I have had an absolutely insane week. Before we went to sleep last Sunday, we heard that our offer on a high rise condo with amazing Chicago city views had been accepted.

One thing a lot of people don’t actively think about is the fact that when we change, especially when we grow into people we have been hoping to become, our brains don’t cheer us on. They send our nervous systems after us. Like thugs in flat caps with tire irons. (My nervous system is apparently Irish.) 

So I have been managing a series of mini panic attacks in between filling out paperwork, signing electronically, and uploading documents. 

But there is a thing that having my eating under control for 20 years has done: it has taught me that I can act through my fear and my panic. That I can just take the next right step. I don’t have to feel like it to do it. I don’t have to be ready. 

What I am talking about is not just worry that I made a mistake or missed something. It’s not just about the process of buying a condo. It’s worry about all of the things that come from this change. For example, downsizing. 

I have been changing my wardrobe over the past year or so. Entirely switching up my style. And while I have had an apartment on the road and big house in the suburbs, I have not been thinking about space. I just get the new clothes I want. But there are still so many old clothes. Or new clothes that I realize I am just kind of meh about. So after a series of panic attacks about downsizing my wardrobe, I just took some steps. And it was a relief. I literally just made some piles to give away and packed them up. 

I have a problematic amount of craft supplies too. And this little voice in my head that sees something that inspires me, but that I have no current need for, and thinks “you have room.”

Guess what, voice, there is no more room for potential. 

So the purging of the craft supplies will be coming soon to a suburban house near me. (Mine.) 

Every time my nervous system tells me we are making a big mistake, I remember that it is fighting for the status quo. Because it knows we are surviving here. But survival and thriving can’t live in the same place.

As a person who wants more, who wants it all, love and friendship and joy and contentment without complacency, I can make friends with the panic, and move forward anyway. As long as I weigh and measure my food and keep my drug foods out of my body, I’m available to show up and do things, big and small, mundane and life-changing.

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