Wake up call
Before I got my eating under control I didn’t have very much integrity. I didn’t do what I said I would and I lied to get or stay out of trouble. And that made me not like myself.
We have sayings like “I have to look at myself in the mirror” and I get that. I know that feeling. But the telltale sign for me was always waking up. Did I want to wake up? Did it hurt to wake up? Did I feel uneasy or burdened? How heavy was the burden? And that really went away after I got my eating under control and stopped eating my drug foods. I was sober enough to do what I said I would do, and changed enough to see the value in truth regardless of outcome.
Now in general I love my life and I am happy to wake up.
But it still sometimes happens that I wake up feeling yucky. It’s just that now it’s generally about things that are beyond my control.
This week a metal aglet from my workout pants got stuck under the drum of my dryer and it was making a horrible squeaking grinding. And I had a pile of laundry in my bathtub that was in the washer when I had to stop using the dryer. And that was frustrating and had me running worst case scenarios in my head. (The repair guy just left and now it’s taken care of so I get to rewash the pile. Phew.)
And then I saw that my cat had a sore on her mouth. And I got even more upset. And I googled. And let me tell you…I have friends that I highly discourage from googling heath concerns because they are crazy, but I have never been one of those people. Until now, apparently.
Then I called my step daughter who is a vet tech, and she told me that it’s probably fine, that shelter cats often get them, and since I have to take her in for her rabies shot, just bring it up then.
So I am not actively freaking out anymore. But also, I am still scared. And waking up I can feel it. I can feel it in my body before I remember exactly what I am uneasy about.
Having my eating under control has taught me how to use my emotions, to read them, to have them in their proper place: as sign posts and guides. Because sometimes it just comes down to the fact that I love my cat and after a point, I can’t control what happens to her. So it hurts. And there is nothing to do about the feeling itself.
I can’t stop feelings. (Not even with drug foods. They will all come out eventually.) But I can live with them. And that is not a thing I could do when I was eating compulsively. And conversely, when I live with my feelings, I don’t feel the shame that leads to more compulsive eating. I don’t have to like feelings. I just have to feel them.
