Getting unserious about (almost) everything
I love Halloween! And I have not had candy in over 20 years. Yesterday was my 20th Halloween without candy. And I still dressed up. And no. Nobody knew who I was. (I was a modern cult worshiped but very niche book character. Gideon the Ninth.)
I don’t know what it is about Halloween that I have always been attracted to, even after I gave up sugar (which includes alcohol), except maybe that it’s all about fun, play, and cleverness. Cleverness is my most cherished vanity.
I love a hilarious detail. When I was a picnic one year I made a prom dress out of a flannel backed red and white checked tablecloth, and even went all over New York City looking for plastic ants. I never did find them. But I DID find a bug sticker book with a bunch of ant stickers….When I was Miss America I put on my mascara and then wet it and let it drip down my cheeks like I was crying and I would greet everyone like I had just been crowned.
This year my character is known for having huge biceps, so my favorite detail was that I bought swimmies for grown ups and covered them with spandex close to my skin color. This cracked me up!
I really do do these things for myself. Because I didn’t have any particular place to go this year. And almost nobody else I know has read these books. (Hi Shelly!) We had a handful of trick or treaters, but nothing crazy.
But I like to play dress up. I like to be clever.
Every time I passed a mirror or a window I would sort of get a shock and have to remember all over again I was in a ginger wig and skull face paint…and that was hilarious and tickled me every time! And every time I was like “I love this costume!”
When I was very young I was an only child, and I had a dress up box. Gowns and high heels and big gaudy necklaces and bracelets from thrift stores. And I loved it even though it was just me by myself. It wasn’t about showing anyone. It was about the world I lived in in my mind and what I could do there. Who that dress could make me into. (I mean, in reality, probably a late 70s early 80s bridesmaid, but 5 year old Kate did not know that!!!)
Addiction, especially my own carb and sugar addiction, really messed that up for me for a long time. Because solitude is not the same as isolation. But they blur easily and isolating was dark for me. Especially when I lived alone. So to perform and not be seen started to feel shameful. And it was associated with binge and compulsive eating. When I quit simple sugar and carbs I started to learn how to separate solitude from isolation again.
But the older I get, the fewer hormones I have, the more I naturally want to play for myself again. Shamelessly. Unabashedly. Immature and juvenile to boot.
I have over 20 years of my eating disorders under control, and it is 20 years of getting serious about my integrity, and unserious about everything else. Deciding there is no guilt in pleasure. That enjoyment is a worthy goal. That part of finding contentment, is taking joy where you can. Like enjoying Halloween for 20 years even without candy…
