onceafatgirl

Peace is better than chocolate

Archive for the tag “food boundaries”

02 Jan 2016
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Love for that 28-year-old, crazy, weepy, miserable, desperate girl 

January 2nd is the anniversary of the day I gave up sugar. And this particular January 2nd, today, marks 10 years.That’s a decade. A lot happens in a decade.

Ten years ago on January 1st, I was a 28-years-old bulimic and exercise bulimic who couldn’t stop eating and was back on her way up to 300 pounds. And probably more. I was miserable. I felt crazy. And I was terrified. Mostly of getting fat again. But also of the unknowable future. It was not just food and my weight that was out of control. My entire life was out of control.

The thing about food, specifically sugar, is we are just now starting to recognize it as an addictive substance. But we don’t think about it like heroin or cocaine. We don’t think about it as being destructive the way alcohol is. We don’t talk about food like an addiction that ruins lives and families. We don’t act like it kills. 

But food was absolutely killing me. Spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I was terrified for myself and my future. I could not manage my life. I was drowning. And I could not even imagine a way out. 

Now I know some food addicts are high-functioning. There are high-functioning addicts of every variety. Just so we’re clear, I am not one of those. I’m easily paralyzed. 

And then 10 years ago, I was desperate enough to give up sugar. And when I say desperate, I mean that I was willing to give up what I believed was my only source of joy. I didn’t know if I was ever going to be happy again. I didn’t know if I would ever have fun again. But I was so out of control that I was willing to give up joy in order to lose my misery and terror.

Of course, what I got was a life filled with more joy than I thought was possible, and a sense of peace that I could never have fathomed. What I got was a life beyond my wildest dreams.

I’ll tell you the process was slow. And it still is. It’s one day at a time, one meal at a time, one feeling at a time, one moment at a time. And the first year and a half of keeping boundaries around my eating is still a blur. But from that very first day, January 2, 2006, my life got better. I liked myself better. I felt like I had a shot at life.

So I want to show some love for that 28-year-old, crazy, weepy, miserable, desperate girl who was willing to give up what she thought was everything, to see if there was something better for her. I wasn’t fearless, but I was sure brave. And this day, 10 years later, I am more grateful than that girl could ever have guessed we would be. 

Happy New Year to you! Wishing you love and peace. May 2016 be a year filled with little and big steps on your journey to a life beyond your wildest dreams!

Posted in Inspiration, Life, Personal Growth and tagged , , , , , ,
07 Nov 2015
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Because sometimes you just have to choke it down…

I have not been hungry for a while now. Dinner has been tough for a few months. I have been trying to make it as small as possible. Sometimes, if I am eating alone because of work or just because my boyfriend wants pizza or something I can’t eat, I make this teeny tiny dinner that I can eat in 10 minutes and be done.In some ways it is nice to not care about a meal. Since I have spent most of my life obsessing over food and eating, it makes me feel almost kind of normal to not be hungry. I mean, sure, once I put boundaries around my eating I got a little less obsessive, but then I got a lot more excited, because…guilt-free eating!

I don’t expect this to last forever. I expect I will go back to anxiously anticipating every single bite again sooner or later. Like everything else in life, this too shall pass. 

But I feel like I have said the obvious in explaining how it’s nice for a girl who was never satisfied to not be hungry, so I want to say this next part clearly. It is painfully uncomfortable for me to eat when I do not want to eat. And it is scary for me make the choice each day to sit down and (on particularly bad days) choke down food that I would rather do without.

If you don’t know about my food boundaries, I eat three meals a day. No more. But also, no less. The idea is that I don’t eat based on hunger, because I don’t have that thing that most people have that tells them when they have had enough. I have three specifically portioned meals a day. That is how I know I have had enough. And I must eat every last bite. I am not on a diet. I am a person who is sick with food and the boundaries are my medicine.

It has become clearer and clearer over the past couple of months that I am going through a major life change. And I wouldn’t be surprised if this is why my appetite had changed.

I would tell you I don’t deal well with change, but if you have read my blog, you might know that to be a lie. I am actually spectacular at dealing with change. I’m a pro. But it comes with feelings I don’t particularly like to deal with: fear, anxiety, and that generally itchy-in-the-skin-rawness. And if I am going to be honest, the idea of pursuing big experiences and having a big life, which seems the direction I’m headed, is less pleasant than my ambitious friends and acquaintances would have me believe. 

I am not saying no to a bigger life. But I will say that there is something really beautiful about a smaller life of peace and quiet, a life of little joys. I have had one for a while and it suits me just fine.

Maybe when this transition slows down and I find my footing again in a new set of circumstances, I will get my appetite back. But for now I will choke it down. The feelings and the food and the next right action.

Posted in Inspiration, Life, Personal Growth and tagged , , , , , ,
07 Feb 2015

Jeez, snow, it’s like you don’t even care…

I hate winter. And I particularly hate snow. This week we got 22 1/2 inches of snow. That’s just shy of two feet, in case you’re not up on your measurement equivalents.

The worst part of it for me, besides the general blech-ness of snow, is that it is not convenient to walk to the grocery store when there is so much. Half the sidewalks aren’t clear. And sometimes, even if the sidewalk is clear, the street plows have piled the snow right up on the side of the road blocking up the outlet. In other words you can walk on the sidewalk, but you can’t cross the street. OK, you can. But you have to climb the mountain of snow, and then when you have the green light, you have to jump into the street, run across, and quickly climb the snow mound on the other side, and jump down to the sidewalk. If it’s clear.

Thankfully, I keep my house stocked up with non-perishable food.

I was actually thinking the other day, I’m running out of food! But that was not true. If something had happened and I couldn’t get to the grocery store, I would still have had enough food for several days. If I go out and buy a few more cans of fruit, I would have enough food in my house for about a month. Right now.

It would not be my favorite foods, but I could eat within my boundaries. And that, after all, is what counts for me.

There is something deeply satisfying about knowing that I take that good care of myself. It gives a sense of safety to the general uncertainty of life.

And also, my boyfriend graciously, and generously drives me to the store whenever I ask. I am not deprived of having the best foods in all weather!

Still, I’d rather it be spring now, so I can walk to the grocery store whenever I darn well please. At least without having to worry about slipping on ice, or falling from a mound of packed snow 3 feet above the street.

Any time you’re ready, spring!

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