onceafatgirl

Changing the shape of my commitments

My workout was rough on Friday. And I suppose in retrospect most of the week. I can remember several times that I tried to convince myself that “just this once” I didn’t have to do my 3 rd set of floor exercises (Tuesday), or my squats and lunges (Thursday), or any of my squats and lunges OR my floor exercises (Friday.)

I was tired. I was bored. Time felt like slogging through jello.

I did convince myself to do them all. But it took something. I was so internally whiny about it. AND I FELT IT! I suffered through every moment like a bratty toddler forced to eat her broccoli. And I will admit I am grateful. 

But even that gratitude is grudging. I’m annoyed it feels so good to honor a commitment to myself. 

Here is the deal. I definitely (theoretically) know the difference between when not doing something is good for me (keeping me from getting injured) and when I don’t wanna. And this week I didn’t wanna. 

Getting a case of the fuck-its is not a terminal condition for me anymore, the way it was when I was in the food. I can skip a workout once and not immediately accidentally tumble into a robe and fall onto a couch with a bag of chips, but the truth is that sometimes those moments of I don’t wanna really do change the shape of a commitment. And I have been pushing hard against my own boundary this week. Maybe I should be asking myself why.

My commitments have given me a life beyond my wildest dreams. For me it started with the food. But it has grown into a kind of tending to my life through consistency.

In the past 18+ years, I have never been sorry that I didn’t eat the cake. Never. I have never been sorry because I woke up still liking and loving myself. And every day this week, I was not sorry I did the whole workout. In fact, looking back I think I’m a badass.

I did not have that kind of discipline when I was eating compulsively. But getting my eating under control taught me that discipline is a muscle. The more you work it, the stronger it gets. And that changes the shape of a commitment too.