I could have used that energy to make something
I am trying to learn not to anticipate trouble. Or maybe that is not what I mean. I am trying to learn to anticipate trouble without having to have a freaking feeling about it.
Today I had to go to the grocery store. Like I often do on Sunday. And there is limited near-to-me parking in my apartment complex. And I don’t personally have an assigned parking spot. And last week there wasn’t a spot when I got home from the store. But I did end up having the good luck of someone pulling out and I got to grab that spot.
All of that seems pretty normal. A regular everyday thing.
But I’m an addict. So WHAT IF IM NOT THAT LUCKY THIS TIME?!??? WHAT IF NOBODY IS PULLING OUT AND I GET HOME WITH GROCERIES AND THERE IS NOWHERE TO PARK???
That is kind of what it is like in my head all the time. And you know what? There was an answer. I made a plan. I would have my husband help me unpack the car and then go park in the far away parking. (Which is not that far. Just not carry groceries close.)
In the end, the spot I left was open when I got home.
I worried about it ALL MORNING. Before I even took my shower to go to the store I was worrying about parking with groceries I had not even bought yet.
I want to learn to be prepared without having to have so much anxiety about not being prepared. I want to make a plan, and then just know it will all be fine.
The deal is that with my compulsive eating and sugar addiction under control I take care of myself. I do the things I need to do. From the practical to the spiritual. I know how to keep a promise to myself. And that gives me self esteem. It makes me like and love myself.
And *that* lets me look at myself clearly and SEE that I am not doing myself any favors by borrowing uncertain future trouble. That I am wasting time and energy that could be used to make something.
I don’t know what I want to do about it. I’ll meditate on it. Come up with a plan. But I want to trust. First in Life and the Universe. But not just in Life and the Universe. In me! I’m a smart, capable woman. I can figure shit out in the moment if I need to too! I do it all the time!
The other thing I want to say about this is I am on antidepressants. And they really did change things for me. So while I absolutely believe in the elasticity of the brain and I made many changes before I was on them, it would be disingenuous not to note that I currently have help not feeling so anxious.
onceafatgirl 