onceafatgirl

Peace is better than chocolate

Archive for the month “November, 2024”

24 Nov 2024

You can break my cable (I broke the cable) but you will never break my spirit! (Again, it was me who broke the cable)

I broke my fancy stepper. (Again.) Not broke broke. I sheered off a(nother) bolt. And the last time I did it, when I reassembled it, the nut was too tight so when it broke this time, the cable broke too. 

So it was 5 am on a Wednesday and 3 minutes into my workout, the steps collapsed and I was just standing there.

What happened next probably only happened because I have my eating under control. Because I was calm and unruffled and entirely unbothered about the situation, which is the direct result of 18+ years of experience that it’s all gonna work out for the best as long as I don’t get high on sugar. 

I went online on my phone to order a new cable. Less than $35. My husband told me to get 2, because it was worth it to have a spare. (Have I mentioned I have broken several steppers, and sheered off several bolts of my fancy stepper? Anyway…) And we agreed I should buy another cheap stepper while we waited for my replacement part.

But my order for the parts wouldn’t go through. I wrote to customer service. I ordered a new cheap stepper to be delivered. And then eventually I had the idea to order my replacement parts on my desktop. That went through!

So I got my cheap replacement stepper that morning. Did my workout and then got an email from the company selling the replacement parts for my fancy stepper. They were giving me an (unrequested) refund. They were giving me a refund for partial shipping and only charging me for one cable. The lady from customer service wrote back to me to say that the broken one was covered under warranty. 

For everything that went “wrong” NOTHING actually went wrong!

I think so much of it is how I look at the world while I have my eating under control. I am always trying to be looking for the gifts. I am always trying to be looking for the lesson. I am always trying to be looking for the ways it can go right. 

I am not always good at it! But I can actually DO it because when I got my eating under control, I could start to hear my real thoughts, feel my real feelings, get to know the real me. And then I could be the real me. And there is so much freedom in that. 

I guess what I am trying to say is that the more I like myself, the less I need to control the world around me. And the more authentic I am, the more I like myself. 

People think my rules about eating are restrictive. And they are. But there’s a thing that comes with rules and following rules. A lack of guilt. So I am not ashamed of my eating (or my inability to stop eating) and I like myself and I love my body and treat it with love, respect and kindness. 

When you are that secure, there is no need to worry about a little thing like a broken cable. And when you don’t have to worry, you can stay out of the way and let Life do its thing.

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17 Nov 2024

Love for my present, clarity about my past

When I got my eating under control in January 2006 (January 2nd, because I will absolutely “start next year”) I wanted to lose weight. More, I wanted to be able to control my weight. I wanted to be able to tell my body what to do and how to do it. And I wanted to tell it to be skinny. 

The joke, of course, is that while I have had my eating under control for over 18 years, I have never been able to “control” my weight. My body does what it does. And while I have never been exactly fat again since I quit sugar, I have been many sizes from a 4 US to a 14 US. That is with my eating under control! That is with me sane and nourished and eating 3 portion controlled meals a day. 

I have noticed several things in my 18+ years in a group of mostly women with their sugar addiction arrested. Many women’s bodies do not fluctuate the way mine does. They lose their weight and they just sort of live in that body for the rest of their lives as long as they keep our eating boundaries. I think it doesn’t occur to them that not all bodies behave that way. The way I once assumed all bodies processed sugar the same way…

Also, I want to say that I can see that I had a truly “easy time” getting my eating under control when compared to other people’s stories. And mine was still awful. I mean BRUTAL! But I did not have the kind of internal struggle that many people do. I did not have to start over repeatedly. I was on autopilot in the beginning, and I rode that wave for a long time before it got difficult. And logistically I was single, no kids, living alone. And I had never cared about fitting in. I was a nonconformist from childhood. Being the weirdo with her own food meant NOTHING to me. 

I was literally just desperate to stop hating myself. And I though that being fat was why I hated myself, so I was desperate to stop being *that.*

But here’s the thing. When I first started with my food program, they explained to me that I have a disease and an allergy, and that it is not a moral issue. I wasn’t fat because I was bad. I was addicted to sugar and simple carbohydrates, and when I put them in my body, they set up a cycle of craving. And knowing that made it possible to stop hating myself and shaming myself. And not hating myself made it possible for me to not NEED to be numb.

But there is still this underlying idea that the “good” thing, the “right” thing is for people to do what we do with food. Fat people I mean. There is still so much moral judgement about bodies based on aesthetics, rather than an eye for helping people not hate themselves.

It took so many years to untangle my fat phobia from my self hatred and sugar addiction. I know some time in the first few years of this blog I admitted how I judged and didn’t like being around fat people. And I spent years picking apart the whys. And they turned out to be because I still hated that poor sugar addicted fat girl I was growing up.

Now I have so much room for her. She really was doing the best she could. She really did need all that numb for her childhood. And she really was not as awful and evil as I (and she) thought she was. 

But I could never have seen that except in giving up sugar, getting my compulsive eating under control, and liking and loving the person I am now. It’s in having love for my present that I can have some clarity about my past.

Posted in Body image, Inspiration, Life, Personal Growth, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
10 Nov 2024

My body. My choice. In all things.

When I got my eating under control, I acquired a new level of responsibility for my body. I was purposefully aware of everything that went into it. And as time went on, I took on various commitments to take practical actions toward caring for my vessel. And by practical I mean specific, quantifiable, measurable steps. What a workout looks like and how many days a week I will do that. How much water I will drink a day. How much sleep I will get and what that means about getting to bed. How many journal pages I will write every day. How many minutes I will meditate. Whatever I need to put in place to consistently take care of myself.

Before that, I didn’t know what went into my body because I did not want to know. I didn’t know how my time was spent because I didn’t want to know how much time I wasted. I didn’t want to look. And I didn’t want to see the results. 

But not knowing makes everything worse. The stories in my head vacillated wildly from a total lack of consequences, to a fate worse than anything imaginable. My head is a dangerous neighborhood.

Not looking never did me any good. 

And looking always let me see that my list of problems is truly finite. There is an end. And (so far anyway) my issues are all surmountable through attention and action. 

After all, I never thought I would be able to stop eating compulsively, and here we are, 18+ years later, and sugar doesn’t control me anymore. 

I am reminded this week that it’s more important than ever that I be aware of and responsible for my body. Fully. And unapologetically. My body. My choice. In all things. 

Posted in Body image, Inspiration, Life, Personal Growth, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
03 Nov 2024

A grocery date and the joys of eating

The other day my husband  asked me if I wanted to go on a date. To try out a new grocery store.

If this doesn’t sound romantic to you, you are clearly not food obsessed or married to someone food obsessed. I am obsessed. He knows me.

This is real romance, people. Take notes.

And to top it off, this grocery store ended up being magical. I went back today for my weekly shopping. There is everything I need to keep my eating boundaries. Great meats and fresh fish. Sugar free bacons and sausages! Yes, even Italian sausage!!! Wheat germ. The condiments I need. So many varieties. And the persnickety things I want. The c4 pre workout in the sizes and flavors I want. The paper towels I want in the sizes I want. 

But also there is a real life swear to god jewelry store. A clothing store (I haven’t even stepped in there yet.) Furniture. Home decor. Art supplies. YARN AND CRAFTING TOOLS! (Be proud of me. I did not buy any today!) It’s like a Walmart but so much nicer! And really first it’s a grocery store!!! My first love! Food! 

Feeling like I am eating like a queen is the best way for me to feel at home. And I have been so happy with my food. It absolutely makes up for all of the things I don’t really love here.

My new cucumber salad is spectacular. Ice cream made with my favorite yogurt that I can’t even find in Chicago is beyond words! Plus trying new breakfasts. Cold hard boiled eggs instead of fried. Delicious. And different. Also, I have not made bacon once yet!!! (Don’t worry. I will. It’s in the fridge. I’m just sayin…it’s a long time for me.)

There’s that saying, “if momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” When I was eating compulsively and in active sugar addiction, my addiction *was* in charge. And if she wasn’t happy, my life was in ruins and I was going to ruin everyone else’s life for the moment too. And it’s hard to be happy when you alway need more.

Since I got my eating under control, my eating life is content. Always. Momma is calm and has been for years. But I have also never stopped experiencing the joys of eating. And so far, eating here has been particularly joyful. And for that I am grateful.

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