onceafatgirl

Peace is better than chocolate

Archive for the category “Inspiration”

27 Oct 2024

Telling the Universe I’m ready with a salad.

We are mostly settled into our Salt Lake City apartment now, and I am feeling great and a little nervous. But excited nervous. 

I have been thinking about changing *something* for the past few weeks now. Obviously the move is a change. But beyond the change of circumstances, I KNOW that making a conscious change can shift everything by offering a new perspective. And that a new perspective can lead to a new commitment. And I KNOW that making a commitment changes the trajectory of your life. (I think that was from the Landmark Forum?) I know that because every commitment I have ever made has changed me as a person for the better. Not just an aspect of my life. Made me a better person overall. 

So I am going to have a new salad this week! I’m going to make a shaved cucumbers and scallions with a homemade Asian sesame dressing! 

I can be obsessed with a particular food or dish for years. There is a part of my dinner that I eat basically every night (except for potentially a night or two a year that is not logistically possible) and have for almost two decades. For the past long time I have been eating cherry and grape tomatoes dipped in Dijon mustard with sweetener. And there are moments of time I can remember based on my food obsessions within my eating boundaries. The summer of turnip French fries. The years of homemade carrot cake. Frozen coffee custard! Little ramekins of fresh custard baked in a Bain Marie with sugar free coffee flavors. And I have no desire to stop obsessing over these food joys. And I don’t care. And nobody cares. It’s my food. I eat what I love.

Plus I have learned that I don’t love my drug foods. That after a moment of numb, they really just made me more unhappy. 

But I do truly love food. And eating. And the tomatoes here are mediocre. So I think that that change in my every day routine will be a nice step toward something new in my life.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. So I am going to start with my salad, but just as a way to tell the Universe I am ready for something bigger and I am paying attention.

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20 Oct 2024

The Gold is in the Practice not the Product

I very much live my life by routine. Certain things happen at certain times of the day. But because of that, when things are out of routine, I can forget the most basic things. So I have alarms set. Multiple alarms for multiple reminders. And AGAIN today, for the second time this month, my alarm went off asking if I had written a blog for the week, and I had completely forgotten.

Tomorrow is the first of two, count them (2), 10 hour drives to move to a new city for 6 months to a year. I have plenty of audiobooks cued up. This is definitely not my first rodeo. I was in the process of making and packing my meals for the next few days when that alarm went off. I am grateful it did. But annoyed too. One more thing on my list.

I am often so good at going with the flow that I don’t necessarily see how stressed I am until a hiccup. And then I have to have my moment of freaking out before I can move on.

So much about what has made my life so much better after I got my eating under control was my ability to shift. To gain a different perspective. To move through a paralyzing feeling onto a different feeling that didn’t hamper my abilities. To be able to think through my feelings and put them in their proper place, as teachers, and sign posts. “This is your authentic self, Kate, and that is not.” And to DO what there is to do, no matter how I FEEL about it.

And I can only do that because I am not eating my feelings. I am living with them. And taking actions without the cloud of sugar fog. 

Actions like stopping what I am doing to fulfill one of my commitments, and the clarity of knowing that the true gold is in the practice and the consistency, not the product.

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13 Oct 2024

The trust process

For the first time in years, my husband and I are going on the road for his job. And I am super excited!

We are headed to Salt Lake City. Where I have never been. I am ready for some mountains! And I have loved living all over the U.S.! It has been a privilege to get to do it these past 11 years. (Though, honestly, it has been a joy to be in our own home for the last 2 too.)

But I will say we are pretty good at moving quickly and efficiently with little notice by this point. We have our apartment there already settled and our furniture delivery scheduled. We have a week to get our home in order and then we drive for 2 days.

There is a saying that how you do anything is how you do everything. 

Before I got my sugar addiction and compulsive eating under control I did everything half-assed, lazily and last minute. It made for a lot of stress and anxiety. But it seemed easier than doing the work which was so scary and overwhelming. 

When I got my eating under control, I got clarity of mind from literally not being high all the time anymore. And I got the practice of taking actions to take care of my life. Like weighing my food. Like abstaining from drug foods. Like calling someone and asking for help when I needed it. 

And I got to learn those lessons for all things. How to anticipate my needs and do my best to take care of them. I plan. I prepare.

But also, trust. How I do everything now is to trust that it’s working out the way it is supposed to. All of it. 18 + years ago I had to trust that changing my eating was worth it. While I went through withdrawal. While my digestive system had to literally learn how to process whole foods. While I was groggy and cranky and out of it. I had to trust in Life in the face of all that for the year and a half that it took me to come fully out of withdrawal. And the truth is, it was absolutely worth every awful, painful, scary, embarrassing moment. 

So if I can trust in Life through that, I can trust that I can manage the process of getting an apartment and some rental furniture.

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06 Oct 2024

Changing the shape of my commitments

My workout was rough on Friday. And I suppose in retrospect most of the week. I can remember several times that I tried to convince myself that “just this once” I didn’t have to do my 3 rd set of floor exercises (Tuesday), or my squats and lunges (Thursday), or any of my squats and lunges OR my floor exercises (Friday.)

I was tired. I was bored. Time felt like slogging through jello.

I did convince myself to do them all. But it took something. I was so internally whiny about it. AND I FELT IT! I suffered through every moment like a bratty toddler forced to eat her broccoli. And I will admit I am grateful. 

But even that gratitude is grudging. I’m annoyed it feels so good to honor a commitment to myself. 

Here is the deal. I definitely (theoretically) know the difference between when not doing something is good for me (keeping me from getting injured) and when I don’t wanna. And this week I didn’t wanna. 

Getting a case of the fuck-its is not a terminal condition for me anymore, the way it was when I was in the food. I can skip a workout once and not immediately accidentally tumble into a robe and fall onto a couch with a bag of chips, but the truth is that sometimes those moments of I don’t wanna really do change the shape of a commitment. And I have been pushing hard against my own boundary this week. Maybe I should be asking myself why.

My commitments have given me a life beyond my wildest dreams. For me it started with the food. But it has grown into a kind of tending to my life through consistency.

In the past 18+ years, I have never been sorry that I didn’t eat the cake. Never. I have never been sorry because I woke up still liking and loving myself. And every day this week, I was not sorry I did the whole workout. In fact, looking back I think I’m a badass.

I did not have that kind of discipline when I was eating compulsively. But getting my eating under control taught me that discipline is a muscle. The more you work it, the stronger it gets. And that changes the shape of a commitment too.

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29 Sep 2024

A little lesson

Today was a day of several minor annoyances, featuring the ATM at my bank being out of service, a slow and mildly frustrating grocery experience (complete with dropping 1 of my reusable grocery bags in the wet parking lot) and totally forgetting I had to write a blog today until I was in the store and my “did you write a blog?” alarm went off. 

But I was not that bothered. Which is so nice. Such a relief.

What was I going to do about it? Nothing. So I got to not be mad about it. 

It’s honestly a blessing to not have to be upset all the time. 

To be responsible for my food, for my eating, for the ingredients and the cooking/preparation, was such a practical lesson in how being responsible meant I could get a say in the outcome. That I could prepare and set it up to go the way I wanted. Almost all the time. Almost. 

And that was the other lesson. Circumstances happen. Not every time. But sometimes, for everyone. 

With food, that’s when I call a friend who does what I do and get help in the moment. Or in life, I take the time and go out of my way and go to another ATM without having to feel like it was a personal attack. Or wait it out in the checkout line with a smile and good attitude for the very nice people who work at my grocery store. 

Before I had my eating under control, I was very interested in the Zen Buddhist idea that there was no “should have” or “would have” or “could have.” That there is only ever one way a moment could have gone and that is the way it went. That if there were any other way for it to go, it would have gone that way. 

I was desperate to understand this at the time. But I know now it was impossible for me to accept this idea before I got my eating under control. Because I was positive that everything was supposed to be a different way for me. I hated my life! Surely there was another me somewhere that got all of the wonderful things I deserved!!!!

But when I got my eating under control I understood that every moment was right for me. That I just had never been learning the lessons. I had been trying to learn how to get life to bend to my will. Instead of learning to see what life was offering. Today’s offering, peace is already inside me. 

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22 Sep 2024

An excellent maker

On Friday night I met up with a friend to see a show at The Chicago Theatre. It was fun! I got to spend some quality time with my friend! But, like almost anything social, it was at the worst possible time for me to plan my dinner. 

But I made a plan. I was going to bring my dinner with me, check it at the theater coat check and eat it with my friend after the show. 

But if there is one thing I have learned about keeping my eating boundaries “no matter what,” it’s to call ahead. 

So I did. And they told me in no uncertain terms, that any unsealed outside food items would not be allowed in the building. 

And I heard that. I didn’t argue. I didn’t complain. I accepted the rule.

So I made a new plan. Now I knew I *had to* eat before hand. I made the smallest meal I could, got to the venue early, and had a seat on a stoop in the city and ate and people watched. 

It wasn’t my favorite meal. It wasn’t the most comfortable eating experience. But I stayed within my eating boundaries, got to enjoy the show with zero worries or regrets. Got to see and be present for both the show and for my friend. 

The other thing I want to say is, I took responsibility for my eating, my timing, and my life. I could have not called ahead about my meal. I could have assumed and felt entitled and brought my homemade meal. And I could have been humiliated for not calling ahead and then I could have been angry at the person doing their job for not letting outside food in.

In fact, aside from the fact that I wouldn’t have been bringing sugar free foods anywhere when I was eating compulsively, the rest is exactly what I would have done if I were still in active addiction. I would have been embarrassed and then made it everyone else’s problem. 

I am responsible for all of the things in my life. I guess I always have been. I just didn’t want to *take* the responsibility when I was eating compulsively. Now I am grateful for all of the ways I can take responsibility. I learned that first with my food and my eating, and then everything else. Because when it’s in my hands, I can make something of it. And I’m an excellent maker.

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15 Sep 2024

Taking my doctor’s advice

I had a doctor’s appointment this week. And to prep for it I had to get a fasting blood draw. I, as many of you know, have a lot of awful past experiences with having my blood taken. But I found a lady at the hospital who is amazing at it, and I know what days she works. (Also, even as good as she is and painless as it was, I still ended up with a 2” bruise.) 

So my labs came back a few days before the appointment and I learned that I have high cholesterol. And I was worried. About what? Who knows! About letting down my doctor? About having to have a conversation about what I am eating? About being put on more drugs?

But what happened is my doctor looked at all of the other factors in my life, did some special doctor calculations, and told me that my lifestyle is enough to counteract my cholesterol. The fact that I don’t drink or smoke, that I exercise regularly, that I get enough sleep and stay hydrated, means that my chances of having a stroke or heart attack are 0.6%. So she said “you can just keep doing what you are doing.”

Look, I do want to keep an eye on it. Maybe eat more eggs and chicken and less bacon and sausage and pork rinds. Maybe. 

But the point is, that I *can* keep an eye on it. Because when I got my eating under control 18+ years ago, I started really looking at what I was eating. I started knowing exactly what and how much I would be eating in a day. Everything that was going in my body.

When you start a diet or with a nutritionist, usually their first assignment is for you to write down everything you eat in a day. And when I was eating compulsively and eating my drug foods, I RESISTED!!! I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to see. I didn’t want facts and figures. I liked keeping it muddy for myself. If I didn’t acknowledge the truth of the situation, I could fail to see the solution. 

But in retrospect I think I did that mostly because I knew on some level that I was not capable of implementing the solution. If the solution was to eat less, which it was, I was not able. 

I am an addict. Telling me to not eat sugar is like telling an unhoused person to just get a home. I’m not saying that the end result is good. I’m saying I need support. I need a paradigm shift. I need a community to understand. It takes me doing the work, yes, but the work is not easy. And the work is not a thing that just happens. 

I have high cholesterol because I’m still a food addict. Because I’m still afraid of being hungry (hence all the fatty meats.) Because I’m afraid of having a disappointing meal. Because I am worried that if I don’t eat enough calories while I am building so much muscle during my workout that I will be sick or lightheaded. 

But I am also a *recovering* sugar addict and compulsive eater. So I live a generally healthy lifestyle because I am too present not to. Because I am fully aware of how the little things I do every day, add up to a good and happy life, and the opportunity to make a better choice in the future.

But for today, I’m going to take my doctor at her word and just keep doing what I am doing.

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08 Sep 2024

To get some reciprocity

One of the things that I have learned (am learning?) from my husband in our 11+ years together is how to let a negative emotion go. How to move on from the feeling and choose a different feeling. That even if the situation is unchanged, I can just let the emotion go. 

Sometimes that takes more work than others. Sometimes a situation is so loaded with old feelings that it takes longer and it takes more. But because of *his* ability to move on, I have cultivated an ability to move on. 

Earlier this week, a friend reached out to me. Actually, *that* friend that I wrote about a few weeks ago. The one who ghosted me and I was super sad.

And she apologized for how she handled our situation. She acknowledged her part in it. She let me acknowledge my part in hurting her and apologize. We are moving forward together to repair our friendship. We have a date later this month! I’m happy. I’m relieved.

Having my eating under control is the PhD of relationships, and this is the work. Difficult conversations. Vulnerability. Trying again. Working things out.

But in my life I have lost many relationships because of situations and boundaries. And many times people have tried to come back into my life without doing the relationship work. Without acknowledging their part in our breakup. Without making a commitment to move forward differently. Often without even the words of apology. And I’m not available for more of the same bad relationship.

But coming to me authentically, even with grievances and frustrations, is what I need in my relationships. And this is what I am offering in return. So it was a special blessing to not only have her reach out but to do it with integrity.

But back to my husband teaching me to let go of my difficult feelings. There was a time in my life when I would have held a grudge over what happened with my friend. It would not have mattered that she came to me in a way that honored our friendship. I would not have been open. I would have immediately shut down from being hurt, and I would not be able to let it go. 

When I am eating compulsively, my emotions are uncontrollable and end up making decisions. When my eating is under control I can use my emotions as the tools that they are. 

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01 Sep 2024

All (metaphorical) cherries

I think today I just want to take a moment and remember how good my life is simply because I have my sugar addiction and compulsive eating under control. I mean, my life is amazing for a lot of reasons. My level of pride in my integrity. My loving and happy marriage. My authentic relationships with people that I love. But every one of those things stems from the fact that I made a decision to recover from my sugar addiction.

I have sometimes had people attribute my change in behavior and attitude to “growing up.” But I know that that is bullshit. (OK, I don’t “know” because I did get my eating under control at 28, so that certainly corresponds to the completion of my brain development. But at the very least we could say it’s chicken and egg…) I never felt any surety or confidence in my choices or my actions, until I stopped drugging myself with food.

Lately I feel like I have been in this metaphorical hallway in my life for FOREVER. Not knowing what comes next. And so many things are in flux right now. My body, my health, my friendships, my home life circumstances, my work circumstances. I’m impatient. It has been literally years. And some of that feels like a pity party. Like I deserve better. Like where are my cash and prizes????

But isn’t that the point? Isn’t that why I am in this hallway in the first place? Because I’m not rushing headlong into the next dead end? Life on Life’s terms in Life’s time.

So today I am being grateful. Because I have a life beyond my wildest dreams all because I put my sugar addiction down. And anything more that I want is all cherries on top. (Metaphorical cherries. Too much sugar for my sensitive system in the real things…)

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25 Aug 2024
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Life, God and the Universe Conspiring

I found out this week that I did not get the job teaching art to kids. 

If I had gotten the news a week ago, I would have been devastated. But instead, I just remembered that I can’t get a job that isn’t for me. And I can’t lose a job that’s mine. 

See, I believe that. I know that. Ever since I put my drug foods down and stopped eating compulsively, I have had a level of peace and clarity that lets me see clearly, and choose my reactions. Now I understand that Life is always giving me better than I thought I wanted. I have very real examples of it throughout the 18+ years of having the sugar down. Men that dumped me and jobs that fell through, only to find out that there was something better waiting for me. Something and someone *right* for me.

But sometimes, when I am attached to something, a specific outcome, or just needing a *win* for once, whatever I have decided a “win” is, it feels so personal. So targeted. Like Life and God and the Universe are out to get me.

But in these little moments of clarity I can see that when I get my ego out of my own way, Life, God and the Universe have only ever conspired to give me the best. A life beyond my wildest dreams.

My mother-in-law sent me a picture of a crocheted potato this week. Right before I got the email about the art teacher job. And I asked if she wanted to learn how to make one. She did! I got excited and I have spent the past few days trying a bunch of different potato patterns. Accidentally made an egg pattern. Made an egg cup for a princess, and gave the egg a face and a tiara. Gorgeous and hilarious. A gift for a friend!

My creativity feels abundant. I am making art. I am writing a lesson plan to teach how to crochet a potato. I am feeling excited and inspired. 

I still don’t have a job. And I still want to make money. But I trust that the best way for me to do that is on its way. Maybe by teaching people how to crochet potatoes. Who knows? Not me. And I don’t need to worry about it. I can let Life, God and the Universe conspire without me.

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