onceafatgirl

Peace is better than chocolate

Archive for the category “Relationships”

10 Nov 2024

My body. My choice. In all things.

When I got my eating under control, I acquired a new level of responsibility for my body. I was purposefully aware of everything that went into it. And as time went on, I took on various commitments to take practical actions toward caring for my vessel. And by practical I mean specific, quantifiable, measurable steps. What a workout looks like and how many days a week I will do that. How much water I will drink a day. How much sleep I will get and what that means about getting to bed. How many journal pages I will write every day. How many minutes I will meditate. Whatever I need to put in place to consistently take care of myself.

Before that, I didn’t know what went into my body because I did not want to know. I didn’t know how my time was spent because I didn’t want to know how much time I wasted. I didn’t want to look. And I didn’t want to see the results. 

But not knowing makes everything worse. The stories in my head vacillated wildly from a total lack of consequences, to a fate worse than anything imaginable. My head is a dangerous neighborhood.

Not looking never did me any good. 

And looking always let me see that my list of problems is truly finite. There is an end. And (so far anyway) my issues are all surmountable through attention and action. 

After all, I never thought I would be able to stop eating compulsively, and here we are, 18+ years later, and sugar doesn’t control me anymore. 

I am reminded this week that it’s more important than ever that I be aware of and responsible for my body. Fully. And unapologetically. My body. My choice. In all things. 

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03 Nov 2024

A grocery date and the joys of eating

The other day my husband  asked me if I wanted to go on a date. To try out a new grocery store.

If this doesn’t sound romantic to you, you are clearly not food obsessed or married to someone food obsessed. I am obsessed. He knows me.

This is real romance, people. Take notes.

And to top it off, this grocery store ended up being magical. I went back today for my weekly shopping. There is everything I need to keep my eating boundaries. Great meats and fresh fish. Sugar free bacons and sausages! Yes, even Italian sausage!!! Wheat germ. The condiments I need. So many varieties. And the persnickety things I want. The c4 pre workout in the sizes and flavors I want. The paper towels I want in the sizes I want. 

But also there is a real life swear to god jewelry store. A clothing store (I haven’t even stepped in there yet.) Furniture. Home decor. Art supplies. YARN AND CRAFTING TOOLS! (Be proud of me. I did not buy any today!) It’s like a Walmart but so much nicer! And really first it’s a grocery store!!! My first love! Food! 

Feeling like I am eating like a queen is the best way for me to feel at home. And I have been so happy with my food. It absolutely makes up for all of the things I don’t really love here.

My new cucumber salad is spectacular. Ice cream made with my favorite yogurt that I can’t even find in Chicago is beyond words! Plus trying new breakfasts. Cold hard boiled eggs instead of fried. Delicious. And different. Also, I have not made bacon once yet!!! (Don’t worry. I will. It’s in the fridge. I’m just sayin…it’s a long time for me.)

There’s that saying, “if momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” When I was eating compulsively and in active sugar addiction, my addiction *was* in charge. And if she wasn’t happy, my life was in ruins and I was going to ruin everyone else’s life for the moment too. And it’s hard to be happy when you alway need more.

Since I got my eating under control, my eating life is content. Always. Momma is calm and has been for years. But I have also never stopped experiencing the joys of eating. And so far, eating here has been particularly joyful. And for that I am grateful.

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13 Oct 2024

The trust process

For the first time in years, my husband and I are going on the road for his job. And I am super excited!

We are headed to Salt Lake City. Where I have never been. I am ready for some mountains! And I have loved living all over the U.S.! It has been a privilege to get to do it these past 11 years. (Though, honestly, it has been a joy to be in our own home for the last 2 too.)

But I will say we are pretty good at moving quickly and efficiently with little notice by this point. We have our apartment there already settled and our furniture delivery scheduled. We have a week to get our home in order and then we drive for 2 days.

There is a saying that how you do anything is how you do everything. 

Before I got my sugar addiction and compulsive eating under control I did everything half-assed, lazily and last minute. It made for a lot of stress and anxiety. But it seemed easier than doing the work which was so scary and overwhelming. 

When I got my eating under control, I got clarity of mind from literally not being high all the time anymore. And I got the practice of taking actions to take care of my life. Like weighing my food. Like abstaining from drug foods. Like calling someone and asking for help when I needed it. 

And I got to learn those lessons for all things. How to anticipate my needs and do my best to take care of them. I plan. I prepare.

But also, trust. How I do everything now is to trust that it’s working out the way it is supposed to. All of it. 18 + years ago I had to trust that changing my eating was worth it. While I went through withdrawal. While my digestive system had to literally learn how to process whole foods. While I was groggy and cranky and out of it. I had to trust in Life in the face of all that for the year and a half that it took me to come fully out of withdrawal. And the truth is, it was absolutely worth every awful, painful, scary, embarrassing moment. 

So if I can trust in Life through that, I can trust that I can manage the process of getting an apartment and some rental furniture.

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06 Oct 2024

Changing the shape of my commitments

My workout was rough on Friday. And I suppose in retrospect most of the week. I can remember several times that I tried to convince myself that “just this once” I didn’t have to do my 3 rd set of floor exercises (Tuesday), or my squats and lunges (Thursday), or any of my squats and lunges OR my floor exercises (Friday.)

I was tired. I was bored. Time felt like slogging through jello.

I did convince myself to do them all. But it took something. I was so internally whiny about it. AND I FELT IT! I suffered through every moment like a bratty toddler forced to eat her broccoli. And I will admit I am grateful. 

But even that gratitude is grudging. I’m annoyed it feels so good to honor a commitment to myself. 

Here is the deal. I definitely (theoretically) know the difference between when not doing something is good for me (keeping me from getting injured) and when I don’t wanna. And this week I didn’t wanna. 

Getting a case of the fuck-its is not a terminal condition for me anymore, the way it was when I was in the food. I can skip a workout once and not immediately accidentally tumble into a robe and fall onto a couch with a bag of chips, but the truth is that sometimes those moments of I don’t wanna really do change the shape of a commitment. And I have been pushing hard against my own boundary this week. Maybe I should be asking myself why.

My commitments have given me a life beyond my wildest dreams. For me it started with the food. But it has grown into a kind of tending to my life through consistency.

In the past 18+ years, I have never been sorry that I didn’t eat the cake. Never. I have never been sorry because I woke up still liking and loving myself. And every day this week, I was not sorry I did the whole workout. In fact, looking back I think I’m a badass.

I did not have that kind of discipline when I was eating compulsively. But getting my eating under control taught me that discipline is a muscle. The more you work it, the stronger it gets. And that changes the shape of a commitment too.

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22 Sep 2024

An excellent maker

On Friday night I met up with a friend to see a show at The Chicago Theatre. It was fun! I got to spend some quality time with my friend! But, like almost anything social, it was at the worst possible time for me to plan my dinner. 

But I made a plan. I was going to bring my dinner with me, check it at the theater coat check and eat it with my friend after the show. 

But if there is one thing I have learned about keeping my eating boundaries “no matter what,” it’s to call ahead. 

So I did. And they told me in no uncertain terms, that any unsealed outside food items would not be allowed in the building. 

And I heard that. I didn’t argue. I didn’t complain. I accepted the rule.

So I made a new plan. Now I knew I *had to* eat before hand. I made the smallest meal I could, got to the venue early, and had a seat on a stoop in the city and ate and people watched. 

It wasn’t my favorite meal. It wasn’t the most comfortable eating experience. But I stayed within my eating boundaries, got to enjoy the show with zero worries or regrets. Got to see and be present for both the show and for my friend. 

The other thing I want to say is, I took responsibility for my eating, my timing, and my life. I could have not called ahead about my meal. I could have assumed and felt entitled and brought my homemade meal. And I could have been humiliated for not calling ahead and then I could have been angry at the person doing their job for not letting outside food in.

In fact, aside from the fact that I wouldn’t have been bringing sugar free foods anywhere when I was eating compulsively, the rest is exactly what I would have done if I were still in active addiction. I would have been embarrassed and then made it everyone else’s problem. 

I am responsible for all of the things in my life. I guess I always have been. I just didn’t want to *take* the responsibility when I was eating compulsively. Now I am grateful for all of the ways I can take responsibility. I learned that first with my food and my eating, and then everything else. Because when it’s in my hands, I can make something of it. And I’m an excellent maker.

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08 Sep 2024

To get some reciprocity

One of the things that I have learned (am learning?) from my husband in our 11+ years together is how to let a negative emotion go. How to move on from the feeling and choose a different feeling. That even if the situation is unchanged, I can just let the emotion go. 

Sometimes that takes more work than others. Sometimes a situation is so loaded with old feelings that it takes longer and it takes more. But because of *his* ability to move on, I have cultivated an ability to move on. 

Earlier this week, a friend reached out to me. Actually, *that* friend that I wrote about a few weeks ago. The one who ghosted me and I was super sad.

And she apologized for how she handled our situation. She acknowledged her part in it. She let me acknowledge my part in hurting her and apologize. We are moving forward together to repair our friendship. We have a date later this month! I’m happy. I’m relieved.

Having my eating under control is the PhD of relationships, and this is the work. Difficult conversations. Vulnerability. Trying again. Working things out.

But in my life I have lost many relationships because of situations and boundaries. And many times people have tried to come back into my life without doing the relationship work. Without acknowledging their part in our breakup. Without making a commitment to move forward differently. Often without even the words of apology. And I’m not available for more of the same bad relationship.

But coming to me authentically, even with grievances and frustrations, is what I need in my relationships. And this is what I am offering in return. So it was a special blessing to not only have her reach out but to do it with integrity.

But back to my husband teaching me to let go of my difficult feelings. There was a time in my life when I would have held a grudge over what happened with my friend. It would not have mattered that she came to me in a way that honored our friendship. I would not have been open. I would have immediately shut down from being hurt, and I would not be able to let it go. 

When I am eating compulsively, my emotions are uncontrollable and end up making decisions. When my eating is under control I can use my emotions as the tools that they are. 

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01 Sep 2024

All (metaphorical) cherries

I think today I just want to take a moment and remember how good my life is simply because I have my sugar addiction and compulsive eating under control. I mean, my life is amazing for a lot of reasons. My level of pride in my integrity. My loving and happy marriage. My authentic relationships with people that I love. But every one of those things stems from the fact that I made a decision to recover from my sugar addiction.

I have sometimes had people attribute my change in behavior and attitude to “growing up.” But I know that that is bullshit. (OK, I don’t “know” because I did get my eating under control at 28, so that certainly corresponds to the completion of my brain development. But at the very least we could say it’s chicken and egg…) I never felt any surety or confidence in my choices or my actions, until I stopped drugging myself with food.

Lately I feel like I have been in this metaphorical hallway in my life for FOREVER. Not knowing what comes next. And so many things are in flux right now. My body, my health, my friendships, my home life circumstances, my work circumstances. I’m impatient. It has been literally years. And some of that feels like a pity party. Like I deserve better. Like where are my cash and prizes????

But isn’t that the point? Isn’t that why I am in this hallway in the first place? Because I’m not rushing headlong into the next dead end? Life on Life’s terms in Life’s time.

So today I am being grateful. Because I have a life beyond my wildest dreams all because I put my sugar addiction down. And anything more that I want is all cherries on top. (Metaphorical cherries. Too much sugar for my sensitive system in the real things…)

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25 Aug 2024
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Life, God and the Universe Conspiring

I found out this week that I did not get the job teaching art to kids. 

If I had gotten the news a week ago, I would have been devastated. But instead, I just remembered that I can’t get a job that isn’t for me. And I can’t lose a job that’s mine. 

See, I believe that. I know that. Ever since I put my drug foods down and stopped eating compulsively, I have had a level of peace and clarity that lets me see clearly, and choose my reactions. Now I understand that Life is always giving me better than I thought I wanted. I have very real examples of it throughout the 18+ years of having the sugar down. Men that dumped me and jobs that fell through, only to find out that there was something better waiting for me. Something and someone *right* for me.

But sometimes, when I am attached to something, a specific outcome, or just needing a *win* for once, whatever I have decided a “win” is, it feels so personal. So targeted. Like Life and God and the Universe are out to get me.

But in these little moments of clarity I can see that when I get my ego out of my own way, Life, God and the Universe have only ever conspired to give me the best. A life beyond my wildest dreams.

My mother-in-law sent me a picture of a crocheted potato this week. Right before I got the email about the art teacher job. And I asked if she wanted to learn how to make one. She did! I got excited and I have spent the past few days trying a bunch of different potato patterns. Accidentally made an egg pattern. Made an egg cup for a princess, and gave the egg a face and a tiara. Gorgeous and hilarious. A gift for a friend!

My creativity feels abundant. I am making art. I am writing a lesson plan to teach how to crochet a potato. I am feeling excited and inspired. 

I still don’t have a job. And I still want to make money. But I trust that the best way for me to do that is on its way. Maybe by teaching people how to crochet potatoes. Who knows? Not me. And I don’t need to worry about it. I can let Life, God and the Universe conspire without me.

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18 Aug 2024

This messy work of art that is my life

A friend broke up with me this week. That is not an entirely true. She ghosted me a while ago, and finally this week, she posted a personal text message from me on social media (without identifying me) and told everyone what a terrible and disappointing friend I am. 

It was pretty devastating. I cried about it for a couple of days. I have stopped crying. (Ok I’m crying now writing this, but only because I’m reliving it here for you…) I guess I just mean I’m still dealing with it, but I am, indeed, dealing with it.

It has been a real crash course in processing my emotions. You would think that 18+ years of having my eating under control and being forced to deal with my feelings would mean I had all the courses in relationships. Gotten my PhD, if you will. And then BOOM! Remedial homework! 

One thing that happened when I got my eating under control was I started to have to be responsible for myself. To others. To myself. It’s hard to look at yourself clearly when you’re high on sugar all the time. It’s just as hard to act irresponsibly when there’s no drug food to numb the anxiety irresponsibility brings. And that meant looking at my actions and how they affect both myself and others. And doing something about it.

Regarding the thing this ex-friend was talking about, she was right. I do owe her an amend for what happened. Because we were both friends with a guy who wronged her. And he did something shady. But he was different with me. And I stayed friends with him for a while after what he did to her.

Did I do what seemed like the right thing at the time? Obviously. But I was wrong about him. And I hurt her. And for me, amends is not about intention. It’s about impact. I impacted her life negatively. I did not want to do that. I was wrong. I owe her something for that. 

But now, I can’t have her in my life. Even if she were interested in communicating with me (which she is not) and I were to make my amends, now she would have to make amends to me too. Because what she did was cruel, immature, harmful to me, and not acceptable in my life. I don’t want drama. I choose to have no drama in my life. And drama is telling everyone something that could have been said to me.

So here are the things that I have gotten out of this pretty awful week. 

First, just like physical pain, my first reaction was to lash out and hurt her back the way she hurt me. To point out all of the worst parts of her. And it takes work on my part to let her go with love and not resentment. But resentment is poison to me. And this rage is only pain and grief. Because I loved her.

Second, that I am in this situation because of gossip. Because of MY GOSSIP! I sent my ex-friend a screen shot of someone who was also wronged by the guy that wronged her. I wanted together to have a fun little laugh at his expense. There was a grossness in my intention. It was nefarious.

And then I realized that I need to stop gossiping and that I DON’T WANT TO!!!!! That I love it! That it’s like “Righteous Indignation Lite” and I keep thinking about how “I’m not like other gossipers.” I’m special. I’m RIGHT! 

I know that I need to stop. And that I am resisting. Which means that I will probably make some kind of commitment about it soon…But not today and you can’t make me.

And the last thing I want to say is that a few people on social media commented to my ex-friend about my personal text that there was “no loyalty in friendship anymore.” And I need to say: My loyalty is to my integrity, my authenticity and my dreams. I think the idea that I would be loyal to a person regardless of actions in the name of friendship is not how I want to live my one and only Life. 

I *was* wrong about what happened with that guy. And I can admit that I was wrong. But I am still going to make my own decisions and some of them are going to be wrong. 

But they are and will continue to be mine. Not for my ego. For my heart. For my peace. For this messy work of art that is my Life.

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11 Aug 2024

No pictures please

It has been almost two years since I started walking stairs to work out because I couldn’t run because I couldn’t breathe. It’s about a year and 8 or 9 months since I started treat my new breathing problems (adult onset asthma) and learned that I have always had exercise induced asthma. And about a year and a half since I have been able to breathe while working out. All of this while in perimenopause. 

The changes in my body have been extreme. I have more than doubled the size of my butt with muscle, while simultaneously losing weight in my lower body and dropping multiple pants sizes, but also having barely any change in my upper body.

It has changed the way I walk. The way I stand. The ways I have to stretch. The kinds of clothes I want to wear. 

It has changed enough to change everything.

But my body has always been so changeable. Resilient and strong and adaptable.

I was 300 pounds at 19 years old. 130 pounds at 34. And since then I have stopped weighing myself. But in my life I have gained and lost hundreds of pounds. Sometimes when I was dieting before I got my eating under control. But after too. The changes when I had my eating boundaries were not as drastic, but what is drastic compared to 150 pounds?

The truth is for most people, especially women, 20 pounds is a lot. Even with my eating boundaries in place, firm and honored, I still have gained and lost more than 30 pounds at a time. 

And I have never felt so good, so free, as when I stopped caring about my weight. Let it fluctuate. Let it go where it wants. I don’t eat sugar because it’s poison to me. I don’t eat compulsively because I do not have a “done” button. But I love to eat. I live to eat and once I made friends with that, I let it be what it is. And what it is is lots of bacon and ice cream. 

I have a thought every once in a while that I should be taking pictures of my butt to mark my progress. Because there is so much change. And I’m proud of it. I like the way it looks. I like that I did it. I like that I knew what I wanted, and I put in the work and I get what I get. Which is as close to what I want as genetics will allow.

But then I remember that the kind of scrutiny that a picture a day welcomes turns on me quickly. It’s not too big a gap for me between the moments of “I love this milestone” and “HOW CAN I GET MORE AND QUICKER RESULTS????”

I am remembering to be present in my body. To let that hour in the morning be my time to care for it, enjoy it, push it, and admire it. And then go about my day not thinking about it.

I hope I can remember how much of my life was spent obsessing about my body, specifically how much I hated it, when I was eating compulsively. And that not having to think about my body is a luxury that comes from keeping my sugar addiction and compulsive eating under control and not letting my body dysmorphia get a good hold. Which means not taking pictures of my butt every day. Even if it is spectacular.

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