onceafatgirl

Peace is better than chocolate

Archive for the tag “food boundaries”

20 Oct 2024

The Gold is in the Practice not the Product

I very much live my life by routine. Certain things happen at certain times of the day. But because of that, when things are out of routine, I can forget the most basic things. So I have alarms set. Multiple alarms for multiple reminders. And AGAIN today, for the second time this month, my alarm went off asking if I had written a blog for the week, and I had completely forgotten.

Tomorrow is the first of two, count them (2), 10 hour drives to move to a new city for 6 months to a year. I have plenty of audiobooks cued up. This is definitely not my first rodeo. I was in the process of making and packing my meals for the next few days when that alarm went off. I am grateful it did. But annoyed too. One more thing on my list.

I am often so good at going with the flow that I don’t necessarily see how stressed I am until a hiccup. And then I have to have my moment of freaking out before I can move on.

So much about what has made my life so much better after I got my eating under control was my ability to shift. To gain a different perspective. To move through a paralyzing feeling onto a different feeling that didn’t hamper my abilities. To be able to think through my feelings and put them in their proper place, as teachers, and sign posts. “This is your authentic self, Kate, and that is not.” And to DO what there is to do, no matter how I FEEL about it.

And I can only do that because I am not eating my feelings. I am living with them. And taking actions without the cloud of sugar fog. 

Actions like stopping what I am doing to fulfill one of my commitments, and the clarity of knowing that the true gold is in the practice and the consistency, not the product.

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13 Oct 2024

The trust process

For the first time in years, my husband and I are going on the road for his job. And I am super excited!

We are headed to Salt Lake City. Where I have never been. I am ready for some mountains! And I have loved living all over the U.S.! It has been a privilege to get to do it these past 11 years. (Though, honestly, it has been a joy to be in our own home for the last 2 too.)

But I will say we are pretty good at moving quickly and efficiently with little notice by this point. We have our apartment there already settled and our furniture delivery scheduled. We have a week to get our home in order and then we drive for 2 days.

There is a saying that how you do anything is how you do everything. 

Before I got my sugar addiction and compulsive eating under control I did everything half-assed, lazily and last minute. It made for a lot of stress and anxiety. But it seemed easier than doing the work which was so scary and overwhelming. 

When I got my eating under control, I got clarity of mind from literally not being high all the time anymore. And I got the practice of taking actions to take care of my life. Like weighing my food. Like abstaining from drug foods. Like calling someone and asking for help when I needed it. 

And I got to learn those lessons for all things. How to anticipate my needs and do my best to take care of them. I plan. I prepare.

But also, trust. How I do everything now is to trust that it’s working out the way it is supposed to. All of it. 18 + years ago I had to trust that changing my eating was worth it. While I went through withdrawal. While my digestive system had to literally learn how to process whole foods. While I was groggy and cranky and out of it. I had to trust in Life in the face of all that for the year and a half that it took me to come fully out of withdrawal. And the truth is, it was absolutely worth every awful, painful, scary, embarrassing moment. 

So if I can trust in Life through that, I can trust that I can manage the process of getting an apartment and some rental furniture.

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06 Oct 2024

Changing the shape of my commitments

My workout was rough on Friday. And I suppose in retrospect most of the week. I can remember several times that I tried to convince myself that “just this once” I didn’t have to do my 3 rd set of floor exercises (Tuesday), or my squats and lunges (Thursday), or any of my squats and lunges OR my floor exercises (Friday.)

I was tired. I was bored. Time felt like slogging through jello.

I did convince myself to do them all. But it took something. I was so internally whiny about it. AND I FELT IT! I suffered through every moment like a bratty toddler forced to eat her broccoli. And I will admit I am grateful. 

But even that gratitude is grudging. I’m annoyed it feels so good to honor a commitment to myself. 

Here is the deal. I definitely (theoretically) know the difference between when not doing something is good for me (keeping me from getting injured) and when I don’t wanna. And this week I didn’t wanna. 

Getting a case of the fuck-its is not a terminal condition for me anymore, the way it was when I was in the food. I can skip a workout once and not immediately accidentally tumble into a robe and fall onto a couch with a bag of chips, but the truth is that sometimes those moments of I don’t wanna really do change the shape of a commitment. And I have been pushing hard against my own boundary this week. Maybe I should be asking myself why.

My commitments have given me a life beyond my wildest dreams. For me it started with the food. But it has grown into a kind of tending to my life through consistency.

In the past 18+ years, I have never been sorry that I didn’t eat the cake. Never. I have never been sorry because I woke up still liking and loving myself. And every day this week, I was not sorry I did the whole workout. In fact, looking back I think I’m a badass.

I did not have that kind of discipline when I was eating compulsively. But getting my eating under control taught me that discipline is a muscle. The more you work it, the stronger it gets. And that changes the shape of a commitment too.

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29 Sep 2024

A little lesson

Today was a day of several minor annoyances, featuring the ATM at my bank being out of service, a slow and mildly frustrating grocery experience (complete with dropping 1 of my reusable grocery bags in the wet parking lot) and totally forgetting I had to write a blog today until I was in the store and my “did you write a blog?” alarm went off. 

But I was not that bothered. Which is so nice. Such a relief.

What was I going to do about it? Nothing. So I got to not be mad about it. 

It’s honestly a blessing to not have to be upset all the time. 

To be responsible for my food, for my eating, for the ingredients and the cooking/preparation, was such a practical lesson in how being responsible meant I could get a say in the outcome. That I could prepare and set it up to go the way I wanted. Almost all the time. Almost. 

And that was the other lesson. Circumstances happen. Not every time. But sometimes, for everyone. 

With food, that’s when I call a friend who does what I do and get help in the moment. Or in life, I take the time and go out of my way and go to another ATM without having to feel like it was a personal attack. Or wait it out in the checkout line with a smile and good attitude for the very nice people who work at my grocery store. 

Before I had my eating under control, I was very interested in the Zen Buddhist idea that there was no “should have” or “would have” or “could have.” That there is only ever one way a moment could have gone and that is the way it went. That if there were any other way for it to go, it would have gone that way. 

I was desperate to understand this at the time. But I know now it was impossible for me to accept this idea before I got my eating under control. Because I was positive that everything was supposed to be a different way for me. I hated my life! Surely there was another me somewhere that got all of the wonderful things I deserved!!!!

But when I got my eating under control I understood that every moment was right for me. That I just had never been learning the lessons. I had been trying to learn how to get life to bend to my will. Instead of learning to see what life was offering. Today’s offering, peace is already inside me. 

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22 Sep 2024

An excellent maker

On Friday night I met up with a friend to see a show at The Chicago Theatre. It was fun! I got to spend some quality time with my friend! But, like almost anything social, it was at the worst possible time for me to plan my dinner. 

But I made a plan. I was going to bring my dinner with me, check it at the theater coat check and eat it with my friend after the show. 

But if there is one thing I have learned about keeping my eating boundaries “no matter what,” it’s to call ahead. 

So I did. And they told me in no uncertain terms, that any unsealed outside food items would not be allowed in the building. 

And I heard that. I didn’t argue. I didn’t complain. I accepted the rule.

So I made a new plan. Now I knew I *had to* eat before hand. I made the smallest meal I could, got to the venue early, and had a seat on a stoop in the city and ate and people watched. 

It wasn’t my favorite meal. It wasn’t the most comfortable eating experience. But I stayed within my eating boundaries, got to enjoy the show with zero worries or regrets. Got to see and be present for both the show and for my friend. 

The other thing I want to say is, I took responsibility for my eating, my timing, and my life. I could have not called ahead about my meal. I could have assumed and felt entitled and brought my homemade meal. And I could have been humiliated for not calling ahead and then I could have been angry at the person doing their job for not letting outside food in.

In fact, aside from the fact that I wouldn’t have been bringing sugar free foods anywhere when I was eating compulsively, the rest is exactly what I would have done if I were still in active addiction. I would have been embarrassed and then made it everyone else’s problem. 

I am responsible for all of the things in my life. I guess I always have been. I just didn’t want to *take* the responsibility when I was eating compulsively. Now I am grateful for all of the ways I can take responsibility. I learned that first with my food and my eating, and then everything else. Because when it’s in my hands, I can make something of it. And I’m an excellent maker.

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15 Sep 2024

Taking my doctor’s advice

I had a doctor’s appointment this week. And to prep for it I had to get a fasting blood draw. I, as many of you know, have a lot of awful past experiences with having my blood taken. But I found a lady at the hospital who is amazing at it, and I know what days she works. (Also, even as good as she is and painless as it was, I still ended up with a 2” bruise.) 

So my labs came back a few days before the appointment and I learned that I have high cholesterol. And I was worried. About what? Who knows! About letting down my doctor? About having to have a conversation about what I am eating? About being put on more drugs?

But what happened is my doctor looked at all of the other factors in my life, did some special doctor calculations, and told me that my lifestyle is enough to counteract my cholesterol. The fact that I don’t drink or smoke, that I exercise regularly, that I get enough sleep and stay hydrated, means that my chances of having a stroke or heart attack are 0.6%. So she said “you can just keep doing what you are doing.”

Look, I do want to keep an eye on it. Maybe eat more eggs and chicken and less bacon and sausage and pork rinds. Maybe. 

But the point is, that I *can* keep an eye on it. Because when I got my eating under control 18+ years ago, I started really looking at what I was eating. I started knowing exactly what and how much I would be eating in a day. Everything that was going in my body.

When you start a diet or with a nutritionist, usually their first assignment is for you to write down everything you eat in a day. And when I was eating compulsively and eating my drug foods, I RESISTED!!! I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to see. I didn’t want facts and figures. I liked keeping it muddy for myself. If I didn’t acknowledge the truth of the situation, I could fail to see the solution. 

But in retrospect I think I did that mostly because I knew on some level that I was not capable of implementing the solution. If the solution was to eat less, which it was, I was not able. 

I am an addict. Telling me to not eat sugar is like telling an unhoused person to just get a home. I’m not saying that the end result is good. I’m saying I need support. I need a paradigm shift. I need a community to understand. It takes me doing the work, yes, but the work is not easy. And the work is not a thing that just happens. 

I have high cholesterol because I’m still a food addict. Because I’m still afraid of being hungry (hence all the fatty meats.) Because I’m afraid of having a disappointing meal. Because I am worried that if I don’t eat enough calories while I am building so much muscle during my workout that I will be sick or lightheaded. 

But I am also a *recovering* sugar addict and compulsive eater. So I live a generally healthy lifestyle because I am too present not to. Because I am fully aware of how the little things I do every day, add up to a good and happy life, and the opportunity to make a better choice in the future.

But for today, I’m going to take my doctor at her word and just keep doing what I am doing.

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08 Sep 2024

To get some reciprocity

One of the things that I have learned (am learning?) from my husband in our 11+ years together is how to let a negative emotion go. How to move on from the feeling and choose a different feeling. That even if the situation is unchanged, I can just let the emotion go. 

Sometimes that takes more work than others. Sometimes a situation is so loaded with old feelings that it takes longer and it takes more. But because of *his* ability to move on, I have cultivated an ability to move on. 

Earlier this week, a friend reached out to me. Actually, *that* friend that I wrote about a few weeks ago. The one who ghosted me and I was super sad.

And she apologized for how she handled our situation. She acknowledged her part in it. She let me acknowledge my part in hurting her and apologize. We are moving forward together to repair our friendship. We have a date later this month! I’m happy. I’m relieved.

Having my eating under control is the PhD of relationships, and this is the work. Difficult conversations. Vulnerability. Trying again. Working things out.

But in my life I have lost many relationships because of situations and boundaries. And many times people have tried to come back into my life without doing the relationship work. Without acknowledging their part in our breakup. Without making a commitment to move forward differently. Often without even the words of apology. And I’m not available for more of the same bad relationship.

But coming to me authentically, even with grievances and frustrations, is what I need in my relationships. And this is what I am offering in return. So it was a special blessing to not only have her reach out but to do it with integrity.

But back to my husband teaching me to let go of my difficult feelings. There was a time in my life when I would have held a grudge over what happened with my friend. It would not have mattered that she came to me in a way that honored our friendship. I would not have been open. I would have immediately shut down from being hurt, and I would not be able to let it go. 

When I am eating compulsively, my emotions are uncontrollable and end up making decisions. When my eating is under control I can use my emotions as the tools that they are. 

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01 Sep 2024

All (metaphorical) cherries

I think today I just want to take a moment and remember how good my life is simply because I have my sugar addiction and compulsive eating under control. I mean, my life is amazing for a lot of reasons. My level of pride in my integrity. My loving and happy marriage. My authentic relationships with people that I love. But every one of those things stems from the fact that I made a decision to recover from my sugar addiction.

I have sometimes had people attribute my change in behavior and attitude to “growing up.” But I know that that is bullshit. (OK, I don’t “know” because I did get my eating under control at 28, so that certainly corresponds to the completion of my brain development. But at the very least we could say it’s chicken and egg…) I never felt any surety or confidence in my choices or my actions, until I stopped drugging myself with food.

Lately I feel like I have been in this metaphorical hallway in my life for FOREVER. Not knowing what comes next. And so many things are in flux right now. My body, my health, my friendships, my home life circumstances, my work circumstances. I’m impatient. It has been literally years. And some of that feels like a pity party. Like I deserve better. Like where are my cash and prizes????

But isn’t that the point? Isn’t that why I am in this hallway in the first place? Because I’m not rushing headlong into the next dead end? Life on Life’s terms in Life’s time.

So today I am being grateful. Because I have a life beyond my wildest dreams all because I put my sugar addiction down. And anything more that I want is all cherries on top. (Metaphorical cherries. Too much sugar for my sensitive system in the real things…)

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18 Aug 2024

This messy work of art that is my life

A friend broke up with me this week. That is not an entirely true. She ghosted me a while ago, and finally this week, she posted a personal text message from me on social media (without identifying me) and told everyone what a terrible and disappointing friend I am. 

It was pretty devastating. I cried about it for a couple of days. I have stopped crying. (Ok I’m crying now writing this, but only because I’m reliving it here for you…) I guess I just mean I’m still dealing with it, but I am, indeed, dealing with it.

It has been a real crash course in processing my emotions. You would think that 18+ years of having my eating under control and being forced to deal with my feelings would mean I had all the courses in relationships. Gotten my PhD, if you will. And then BOOM! Remedial homework! 

One thing that happened when I got my eating under control was I started to have to be responsible for myself. To others. To myself. It’s hard to look at yourself clearly when you’re high on sugar all the time. It’s just as hard to act irresponsibly when there’s no drug food to numb the anxiety irresponsibility brings. And that meant looking at my actions and how they affect both myself and others. And doing something about it.

Regarding the thing this ex-friend was talking about, she was right. I do owe her an amend for what happened. Because we were both friends with a guy who wronged her. And he did something shady. But he was different with me. And I stayed friends with him for a while after what he did to her.

Did I do what seemed like the right thing at the time? Obviously. But I was wrong about him. And I hurt her. And for me, amends is not about intention. It’s about impact. I impacted her life negatively. I did not want to do that. I was wrong. I owe her something for that. 

But now, I can’t have her in my life. Even if she were interested in communicating with me (which she is not) and I were to make my amends, now she would have to make amends to me too. Because what she did was cruel, immature, harmful to me, and not acceptable in my life. I don’t want drama. I choose to have no drama in my life. And drama is telling everyone something that could have been said to me.

So here are the things that I have gotten out of this pretty awful week. 

First, just like physical pain, my first reaction was to lash out and hurt her back the way she hurt me. To point out all of the worst parts of her. And it takes work on my part to let her go with love and not resentment. But resentment is poison to me. And this rage is only pain and grief. Because I loved her.

Second, that I am in this situation because of gossip. Because of MY GOSSIP! I sent my ex-friend a screen shot of someone who was also wronged by the guy that wronged her. I wanted together to have a fun little laugh at his expense. There was a grossness in my intention. It was nefarious.

And then I realized that I need to stop gossiping and that I DON’T WANT TO!!!!! That I love it! That it’s like “Righteous Indignation Lite” and I keep thinking about how “I’m not like other gossipers.” I’m special. I’m RIGHT! 

I know that I need to stop. And that I am resisting. Which means that I will probably make some kind of commitment about it soon…But not today and you can’t make me.

And the last thing I want to say is that a few people on social media commented to my ex-friend about my personal text that there was “no loyalty in friendship anymore.” And I need to say: My loyalty is to my integrity, my authenticity and my dreams. I think the idea that I would be loyal to a person regardless of actions in the name of friendship is not how I want to live my one and only Life. 

I *was* wrong about what happened with that guy. And I can admit that I was wrong. But I am still going to make my own decisions and some of them are going to be wrong. 

But they are and will continue to be mine. Not for my ego. For my heart. For my peace. For this messy work of art that is my Life.

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11 Aug 2024

No pictures please

It has been almost two years since I started walking stairs to work out because I couldn’t run because I couldn’t breathe. It’s about a year and 8 or 9 months since I started treat my new breathing problems (adult onset asthma) and learned that I have always had exercise induced asthma. And about a year and a half since I have been able to breathe while working out. All of this while in perimenopause. 

The changes in my body have been extreme. I have more than doubled the size of my butt with muscle, while simultaneously losing weight in my lower body and dropping multiple pants sizes, but also having barely any change in my upper body.

It has changed the way I walk. The way I stand. The ways I have to stretch. The kinds of clothes I want to wear. 

It has changed enough to change everything.

But my body has always been so changeable. Resilient and strong and adaptable.

I was 300 pounds at 19 years old. 130 pounds at 34. And since then I have stopped weighing myself. But in my life I have gained and lost hundreds of pounds. Sometimes when I was dieting before I got my eating under control. But after too. The changes when I had my eating boundaries were not as drastic, but what is drastic compared to 150 pounds?

The truth is for most people, especially women, 20 pounds is a lot. Even with my eating boundaries in place, firm and honored, I still have gained and lost more than 30 pounds at a time. 

And I have never felt so good, so free, as when I stopped caring about my weight. Let it fluctuate. Let it go where it wants. I don’t eat sugar because it’s poison to me. I don’t eat compulsively because I do not have a “done” button. But I love to eat. I live to eat and once I made friends with that, I let it be what it is. And what it is is lots of bacon and ice cream. 

I have a thought every once in a while that I should be taking pictures of my butt to mark my progress. Because there is so much change. And I’m proud of it. I like the way it looks. I like that I did it. I like that I knew what I wanted, and I put in the work and I get what I get. Which is as close to what I want as genetics will allow.

But then I remember that the kind of scrutiny that a picture a day welcomes turns on me quickly. It’s not too big a gap for me between the moments of “I love this milestone” and “HOW CAN I GET MORE AND QUICKER RESULTS????”

I am remembering to be present in my body. To let that hour in the morning be my time to care for it, enjoy it, push it, and admire it. And then go about my day not thinking about it.

I hope I can remember how much of my life was spent obsessing about my body, specifically how much I hated it, when I was eating compulsively. And that not having to think about my body is a luxury that comes from keeping my sugar addiction and compulsive eating under control and not letting my body dysmorphia get a good hold. Which means not taking pictures of my butt every day. Even if it is spectacular.

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