onceafatgirl

Peace is better than chocolate

Archive for the tag “self-care”

24 Nov 2024

You can break my cable (I broke the cable) but you will never break my spirit! (Again, it was me who broke the cable)

I broke my fancy stepper. (Again.) Not broke broke. I sheered off a(nother) bolt. And the last time I did it, when I reassembled it, the nut was too tight so when it broke this time, the cable broke too. 

So it was 5 am on a Wednesday and 3 minutes into my workout, the steps collapsed and I was just standing there.

What happened next probably only happened because I have my eating under control. Because I was calm and unruffled and entirely unbothered about the situation, which is the direct result of 18+ years of experience that it’s all gonna work out for the best as long as I don’t get high on sugar. 

I went online on my phone to order a new cable. Less than $35. My husband told me to get 2, because it was worth it to have a spare. (Have I mentioned I have broken several steppers, and sheered off several bolts of my fancy stepper? Anyway…) And we agreed I should buy another cheap stepper while we waited for my replacement part.

But my order for the parts wouldn’t go through. I wrote to customer service. I ordered a new cheap stepper to be delivered. And then eventually I had the idea to order my replacement parts on my desktop. That went through!

So I got my cheap replacement stepper that morning. Did my workout and then got an email from the company selling the replacement parts for my fancy stepper. They were giving me an (unrequested) refund. They were giving me a refund for partial shipping and only charging me for one cable. The lady from customer service wrote back to me to say that the broken one was covered under warranty. 

For everything that went “wrong” NOTHING actually went wrong!

I think so much of it is how I look at the world while I have my eating under control. I am always trying to be looking for the gifts. I am always trying to be looking for the lesson. I am always trying to be looking for the ways it can go right. 

I am not always good at it! But I can actually DO it because when I got my eating under control, I could start to hear my real thoughts, feel my real feelings, get to know the real me. And then I could be the real me. And there is so much freedom in that. 

I guess what I am trying to say is that the more I like myself, the less I need to control the world around me. And the more authentic I am, the more I like myself. 

People think my rules about eating are restrictive. And they are. But there’s a thing that comes with rules and following rules. A lack of guilt. So I am not ashamed of my eating (or my inability to stop eating) and I like myself and I love my body and treat it with love, respect and kindness. 

When you are that secure, there is no need to worry about a little thing like a broken cable. And when you don’t have to worry, you can stay out of the way and let Life do its thing.

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10 Nov 2024

My body. My choice. In all things.

When I got my eating under control, I acquired a new level of responsibility for my body. I was purposefully aware of everything that went into it. And as time went on, I took on various commitments to take practical actions toward caring for my vessel. And by practical I mean specific, quantifiable, measurable steps. What a workout looks like and how many days a week I will do that. How much water I will drink a day. How much sleep I will get and what that means about getting to bed. How many journal pages I will write every day. How many minutes I will meditate. Whatever I need to put in place to consistently take care of myself.

Before that, I didn’t know what went into my body because I did not want to know. I didn’t know how my time was spent because I didn’t want to know how much time I wasted. I didn’t want to look. And I didn’t want to see the results. 

But not knowing makes everything worse. The stories in my head vacillated wildly from a total lack of consequences, to a fate worse than anything imaginable. My head is a dangerous neighborhood.

Not looking never did me any good. 

And looking always let me see that my list of problems is truly finite. There is an end. And (so far anyway) my issues are all surmountable through attention and action. 

After all, I never thought I would be able to stop eating compulsively, and here we are, 18+ years later, and sugar doesn’t control me anymore. 

I am reminded this week that it’s more important than ever that I be aware of and responsible for my body. Fully. And unapologetically. My body. My choice. In all things. 

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03 Nov 2024

A grocery date and the joys of eating

The other day my husband  asked me if I wanted to go on a date. To try out a new grocery store.

If this doesn’t sound romantic to you, you are clearly not food obsessed or married to someone food obsessed. I am obsessed. He knows me.

This is real romance, people. Take notes.

And to top it off, this grocery store ended up being magical. I went back today for my weekly shopping. There is everything I need to keep my eating boundaries. Great meats and fresh fish. Sugar free bacons and sausages! Yes, even Italian sausage!!! Wheat germ. The condiments I need. So many varieties. And the persnickety things I want. The c4 pre workout in the sizes and flavors I want. The paper towels I want in the sizes I want. 

But also there is a real life swear to god jewelry store. A clothing store (I haven’t even stepped in there yet.) Furniture. Home decor. Art supplies. YARN AND CRAFTING TOOLS! (Be proud of me. I did not buy any today!) It’s like a Walmart but so much nicer! And really first it’s a grocery store!!! My first love! Food! 

Feeling like I am eating like a queen is the best way for me to feel at home. And I have been so happy with my food. It absolutely makes up for all of the things I don’t really love here.

My new cucumber salad is spectacular. Ice cream made with my favorite yogurt that I can’t even find in Chicago is beyond words! Plus trying new breakfasts. Cold hard boiled eggs instead of fried. Delicious. And different. Also, I have not made bacon once yet!!! (Don’t worry. I will. It’s in the fridge. I’m just sayin…it’s a long time for me.)

There’s that saying, “if momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” When I was eating compulsively and in active sugar addiction, my addiction *was* in charge. And if she wasn’t happy, my life was in ruins and I was going to ruin everyone else’s life for the moment too. And it’s hard to be happy when you alway need more.

Since I got my eating under control, my eating life is content. Always. Momma is calm and has been for years. But I have also never stopped experiencing the joys of eating. And so far, eating here has been particularly joyful. And for that I am grateful.

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27 Oct 2024

Telling the Universe I’m ready with a salad.

We are mostly settled into our Salt Lake City apartment now, and I am feeling great and a little nervous. But excited nervous. 

I have been thinking about changing *something* for the past few weeks now. Obviously the move is a change. But beyond the change of circumstances, I KNOW that making a conscious change can shift everything by offering a new perspective. And that a new perspective can lead to a new commitment. And I KNOW that making a commitment changes the trajectory of your life. (I think that was from the Landmark Forum?) I know that because every commitment I have ever made has changed me as a person for the better. Not just an aspect of my life. Made me a better person overall. 

So I am going to have a new salad this week! I’m going to make a shaved cucumbers and scallions with a homemade Asian sesame dressing! 

I can be obsessed with a particular food or dish for years. There is a part of my dinner that I eat basically every night (except for potentially a night or two a year that is not logistically possible) and have for almost two decades. For the past long time I have been eating cherry and grape tomatoes dipped in Dijon mustard with sweetener. And there are moments of time I can remember based on my food obsessions within my eating boundaries. The summer of turnip French fries. The years of homemade carrot cake. Frozen coffee custard! Little ramekins of fresh custard baked in a Bain Marie with sugar free coffee flavors. And I have no desire to stop obsessing over these food joys. And I don’t care. And nobody cares. It’s my food. I eat what I love.

Plus I have learned that I don’t love my drug foods. That after a moment of numb, they really just made me more unhappy. 

But I do truly love food. And eating. And the tomatoes here are mediocre. So I think that that change in my every day routine will be a nice step toward something new in my life.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. So I am going to start with my salad, but just as a way to tell the Universe I am ready for something bigger and I am paying attention.

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20 Oct 2024

The Gold is in the Practice not the Product

I very much live my life by routine. Certain things happen at certain times of the day. But because of that, when things are out of routine, I can forget the most basic things. So I have alarms set. Multiple alarms for multiple reminders. And AGAIN today, for the second time this month, my alarm went off asking if I had written a blog for the week, and I had completely forgotten.

Tomorrow is the first of two, count them (2), 10 hour drives to move to a new city for 6 months to a year. I have plenty of audiobooks cued up. This is definitely not my first rodeo. I was in the process of making and packing my meals for the next few days when that alarm went off. I am grateful it did. But annoyed too. One more thing on my list.

I am often so good at going with the flow that I don’t necessarily see how stressed I am until a hiccup. And then I have to have my moment of freaking out before I can move on.

So much about what has made my life so much better after I got my eating under control was my ability to shift. To gain a different perspective. To move through a paralyzing feeling onto a different feeling that didn’t hamper my abilities. To be able to think through my feelings and put them in their proper place, as teachers, and sign posts. “This is your authentic self, Kate, and that is not.” And to DO what there is to do, no matter how I FEEL about it.

And I can only do that because I am not eating my feelings. I am living with them. And taking actions without the cloud of sugar fog. 

Actions like stopping what I am doing to fulfill one of my commitments, and the clarity of knowing that the true gold is in the practice and the consistency, not the product.

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06 Oct 2024

Changing the shape of my commitments

My workout was rough on Friday. And I suppose in retrospect most of the week. I can remember several times that I tried to convince myself that “just this once” I didn’t have to do my 3 rd set of floor exercises (Tuesday), or my squats and lunges (Thursday), or any of my squats and lunges OR my floor exercises (Friday.)

I was tired. I was bored. Time felt like slogging through jello.

I did convince myself to do them all. But it took something. I was so internally whiny about it. AND I FELT IT! I suffered through every moment like a bratty toddler forced to eat her broccoli. And I will admit I am grateful. 

But even that gratitude is grudging. I’m annoyed it feels so good to honor a commitment to myself. 

Here is the deal. I definitely (theoretically) know the difference between when not doing something is good for me (keeping me from getting injured) and when I don’t wanna. And this week I didn’t wanna. 

Getting a case of the fuck-its is not a terminal condition for me anymore, the way it was when I was in the food. I can skip a workout once and not immediately accidentally tumble into a robe and fall onto a couch with a bag of chips, but the truth is that sometimes those moments of I don’t wanna really do change the shape of a commitment. And I have been pushing hard against my own boundary this week. Maybe I should be asking myself why.

My commitments have given me a life beyond my wildest dreams. For me it started with the food. But it has grown into a kind of tending to my life through consistency.

In the past 18+ years, I have never been sorry that I didn’t eat the cake. Never. I have never been sorry because I woke up still liking and loving myself. And every day this week, I was not sorry I did the whole workout. In fact, looking back I think I’m a badass.

I did not have that kind of discipline when I was eating compulsively. But getting my eating under control taught me that discipline is a muscle. The more you work it, the stronger it gets. And that changes the shape of a commitment too.

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29 Sep 2024

A little lesson

Today was a day of several minor annoyances, featuring the ATM at my bank being out of service, a slow and mildly frustrating grocery experience (complete with dropping 1 of my reusable grocery bags in the wet parking lot) and totally forgetting I had to write a blog today until I was in the store and my “did you write a blog?” alarm went off. 

But I was not that bothered. Which is so nice. Such a relief.

What was I going to do about it? Nothing. So I got to not be mad about it. 

It’s honestly a blessing to not have to be upset all the time. 

To be responsible for my food, for my eating, for the ingredients and the cooking/preparation, was such a practical lesson in how being responsible meant I could get a say in the outcome. That I could prepare and set it up to go the way I wanted. Almost all the time. Almost. 

And that was the other lesson. Circumstances happen. Not every time. But sometimes, for everyone. 

With food, that’s when I call a friend who does what I do and get help in the moment. Or in life, I take the time and go out of my way and go to another ATM without having to feel like it was a personal attack. Or wait it out in the checkout line with a smile and good attitude for the very nice people who work at my grocery store. 

Before I had my eating under control, I was very interested in the Zen Buddhist idea that there was no “should have” or “would have” or “could have.” That there is only ever one way a moment could have gone and that is the way it went. That if there were any other way for it to go, it would have gone that way. 

I was desperate to understand this at the time. But I know now it was impossible for me to accept this idea before I got my eating under control. Because I was positive that everything was supposed to be a different way for me. I hated my life! Surely there was another me somewhere that got all of the wonderful things I deserved!!!!

But when I got my eating under control I understood that every moment was right for me. That I just had never been learning the lessons. I had been trying to learn how to get life to bend to my will. Instead of learning to see what life was offering. Today’s offering, peace is already inside me. 

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15 Sep 2024

Taking my doctor’s advice

I had a doctor’s appointment this week. And to prep for it I had to get a fasting blood draw. I, as many of you know, have a lot of awful past experiences with having my blood taken. But I found a lady at the hospital who is amazing at it, and I know what days she works. (Also, even as good as she is and painless as it was, I still ended up with a 2” bruise.) 

So my labs came back a few days before the appointment and I learned that I have high cholesterol. And I was worried. About what? Who knows! About letting down my doctor? About having to have a conversation about what I am eating? About being put on more drugs?

But what happened is my doctor looked at all of the other factors in my life, did some special doctor calculations, and told me that my lifestyle is enough to counteract my cholesterol. The fact that I don’t drink or smoke, that I exercise regularly, that I get enough sleep and stay hydrated, means that my chances of having a stroke or heart attack are 0.6%. So she said “you can just keep doing what you are doing.”

Look, I do want to keep an eye on it. Maybe eat more eggs and chicken and less bacon and sausage and pork rinds. Maybe. 

But the point is, that I *can* keep an eye on it. Because when I got my eating under control 18+ years ago, I started really looking at what I was eating. I started knowing exactly what and how much I would be eating in a day. Everything that was going in my body.

When you start a diet or with a nutritionist, usually their first assignment is for you to write down everything you eat in a day. And when I was eating compulsively and eating my drug foods, I RESISTED!!! I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to see. I didn’t want facts and figures. I liked keeping it muddy for myself. If I didn’t acknowledge the truth of the situation, I could fail to see the solution. 

But in retrospect I think I did that mostly because I knew on some level that I was not capable of implementing the solution. If the solution was to eat less, which it was, I was not able. 

I am an addict. Telling me to not eat sugar is like telling an unhoused person to just get a home. I’m not saying that the end result is good. I’m saying I need support. I need a paradigm shift. I need a community to understand. It takes me doing the work, yes, but the work is not easy. And the work is not a thing that just happens. 

I have high cholesterol because I’m still a food addict. Because I’m still afraid of being hungry (hence all the fatty meats.) Because I’m afraid of having a disappointing meal. Because I am worried that if I don’t eat enough calories while I am building so much muscle during my workout that I will be sick or lightheaded. 

But I am also a *recovering* sugar addict and compulsive eater. So I live a generally healthy lifestyle because I am too present not to. Because I am fully aware of how the little things I do every day, add up to a good and happy life, and the opportunity to make a better choice in the future.

But for today, I’m going to take my doctor at her word and just keep doing what I am doing.

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18 Aug 2024

This messy work of art that is my life

A friend broke up with me this week. That is not an entirely true. She ghosted me a while ago, and finally this week, she posted a personal text message from me on social media (without identifying me) and told everyone what a terrible and disappointing friend I am. 

It was pretty devastating. I cried about it for a couple of days. I have stopped crying. (Ok I’m crying now writing this, but only because I’m reliving it here for you…) I guess I just mean I’m still dealing with it, but I am, indeed, dealing with it.

It has been a real crash course in processing my emotions. You would think that 18+ years of having my eating under control and being forced to deal with my feelings would mean I had all the courses in relationships. Gotten my PhD, if you will. And then BOOM! Remedial homework! 

One thing that happened when I got my eating under control was I started to have to be responsible for myself. To others. To myself. It’s hard to look at yourself clearly when you’re high on sugar all the time. It’s just as hard to act irresponsibly when there’s no drug food to numb the anxiety irresponsibility brings. And that meant looking at my actions and how they affect both myself and others. And doing something about it.

Regarding the thing this ex-friend was talking about, she was right. I do owe her an amend for what happened. Because we were both friends with a guy who wronged her. And he did something shady. But he was different with me. And I stayed friends with him for a while after what he did to her.

Did I do what seemed like the right thing at the time? Obviously. But I was wrong about him. And I hurt her. And for me, amends is not about intention. It’s about impact. I impacted her life negatively. I did not want to do that. I was wrong. I owe her something for that. 

But now, I can’t have her in my life. Even if she were interested in communicating with me (which she is not) and I were to make my amends, now she would have to make amends to me too. Because what she did was cruel, immature, harmful to me, and not acceptable in my life. I don’t want drama. I choose to have no drama in my life. And drama is telling everyone something that could have been said to me.

So here are the things that I have gotten out of this pretty awful week. 

First, just like physical pain, my first reaction was to lash out and hurt her back the way she hurt me. To point out all of the worst parts of her. And it takes work on my part to let her go with love and not resentment. But resentment is poison to me. And this rage is only pain and grief. Because I loved her.

Second, that I am in this situation because of gossip. Because of MY GOSSIP! I sent my ex-friend a screen shot of someone who was also wronged by the guy that wronged her. I wanted together to have a fun little laugh at his expense. There was a grossness in my intention. It was nefarious.

And then I realized that I need to stop gossiping and that I DON’T WANT TO!!!!! That I love it! That it’s like “Righteous Indignation Lite” and I keep thinking about how “I’m not like other gossipers.” I’m special. I’m RIGHT! 

I know that I need to stop. And that I am resisting. Which means that I will probably make some kind of commitment about it soon…But not today and you can’t make me.

And the last thing I want to say is that a few people on social media commented to my ex-friend about my personal text that there was “no loyalty in friendship anymore.” And I need to say: My loyalty is to my integrity, my authenticity and my dreams. I think the idea that I would be loyal to a person regardless of actions in the name of friendship is not how I want to live my one and only Life. 

I *was* wrong about what happened with that guy. And I can admit that I was wrong. But I am still going to make my own decisions and some of them are going to be wrong. 

But they are and will continue to be mine. Not for my ego. For my heart. For my peace. For this messy work of art that is my Life.

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11 Aug 2024

No pictures please

It has been almost two years since I started walking stairs to work out because I couldn’t run because I couldn’t breathe. It’s about a year and 8 or 9 months since I started treat my new breathing problems (adult onset asthma) and learned that I have always had exercise induced asthma. And about a year and a half since I have been able to breathe while working out. All of this while in perimenopause. 

The changes in my body have been extreme. I have more than doubled the size of my butt with muscle, while simultaneously losing weight in my lower body and dropping multiple pants sizes, but also having barely any change in my upper body.

It has changed the way I walk. The way I stand. The ways I have to stretch. The kinds of clothes I want to wear. 

It has changed enough to change everything.

But my body has always been so changeable. Resilient and strong and adaptable.

I was 300 pounds at 19 years old. 130 pounds at 34. And since then I have stopped weighing myself. But in my life I have gained and lost hundreds of pounds. Sometimes when I was dieting before I got my eating under control. But after too. The changes when I had my eating boundaries were not as drastic, but what is drastic compared to 150 pounds?

The truth is for most people, especially women, 20 pounds is a lot. Even with my eating boundaries in place, firm and honored, I still have gained and lost more than 30 pounds at a time. 

And I have never felt so good, so free, as when I stopped caring about my weight. Let it fluctuate. Let it go where it wants. I don’t eat sugar because it’s poison to me. I don’t eat compulsively because I do not have a “done” button. But I love to eat. I live to eat and once I made friends with that, I let it be what it is. And what it is is lots of bacon and ice cream. 

I have a thought every once in a while that I should be taking pictures of my butt to mark my progress. Because there is so much change. And I’m proud of it. I like the way it looks. I like that I did it. I like that I knew what I wanted, and I put in the work and I get what I get. Which is as close to what I want as genetics will allow.

But then I remember that the kind of scrutiny that a picture a day welcomes turns on me quickly. It’s not too big a gap for me between the moments of “I love this milestone” and “HOW CAN I GET MORE AND QUICKER RESULTS????”

I am remembering to be present in my body. To let that hour in the morning be my time to care for it, enjoy it, push it, and admire it. And then go about my day not thinking about it.

I hope I can remember how much of my life was spent obsessing about my body, specifically how much I hated it, when I was eating compulsively. And that not having to think about my body is a luxury that comes from keeping my sugar addiction and compulsive eating under control and not letting my body dysmorphia get a good hold. Which means not taking pictures of my butt every day. Even if it is spectacular.

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