onceafatgirl

This messy work of art that is my life

A friend broke up with me this week. That is not an entirely true. She ghosted me a while ago, and finally this week, she posted a personal text message from me on social media (without identifying me) and told everyone what a terrible and disappointing friend I am. 

It was pretty devastating. I cried about it for a couple of days. I have stopped crying. (Ok I’m crying now writing this, but only because I’m reliving it here for you…) I guess I just mean I’m still dealing with it, but I am, indeed, dealing with it.

It has been a real crash course in processing my emotions. You would think that 18+ years of having my eating under control and being forced to deal with my feelings would mean I had all the courses in relationships. Gotten my PhD, if you will. And then BOOM! Remedial homework! 

One thing that happened when I got my eating under control was I started to have to be responsible for myself. To others. To myself. It’s hard to look at yourself clearly when you’re high on sugar all the time. It’s just as hard to act irresponsibly when there’s no drug food to numb the anxiety irresponsibility brings. And that meant looking at my actions and how they affect both myself and others. And doing something about it.

Regarding the thing this ex-friend was talking about, she was right. I do owe her an amend for what happened. Because we were both friends with a guy who wronged her. And he did something shady. But he was different with me. And I stayed friends with him for a while after what he did to her.

Did I do what seemed like the right thing at the time? Obviously. But I was wrong about him. And I hurt her. And for me, amends is not about intention. It’s about impact. I impacted her life negatively. I did not want to do that. I was wrong. I owe her something for that. 

But now, I can’t have her in my life. Even if she were interested in communicating with me (which she is not) and I were to make my amends, now she would have to make amends to me too. Because what she did was cruel, immature, harmful to me, and not acceptable in my life. I don’t want drama. I choose to have no drama in my life. And drama is telling everyone something that could have been said to me.

So here are the things that I have gotten out of this pretty awful week. 

First, just like physical pain, my first reaction was to lash out and hurt her back the way she hurt me. To point out all of the worst parts of her. And it takes work on my part to let her go with love and not resentment. But resentment is poison to me. And this rage is only pain and grief. Because I loved her.

Second, that I am in this situation because of gossip. Because of MY GOSSIP! I sent my ex-friend a screen shot of someone who was also wronged by the guy that wronged her. I wanted together to have a fun little laugh at his expense. There was a grossness in my intention. It was nefarious.

And then I realized that I need to stop gossiping and that I DON’T WANT TO!!!!! That I love it! That it’s like “Righteous Indignation Lite” and I keep thinking about how “I’m not like other gossipers.” I’m special. I’m RIGHT! 

I know that I need to stop. And that I am resisting. Which means that I will probably make some kind of commitment about it soon…But not today and you can’t make me.

And the last thing I want to say is that a few people on social media commented to my ex-friend about my personal text that there was “no loyalty in friendship anymore.” And I need to say: My loyalty is to my integrity, my authenticity and my dreams. I think the idea that I would be loyal to a person regardless of actions in the name of friendship is not how I want to live my one and only Life. 

I *was* wrong about what happened with that guy. And I can admit that I was wrong. But I am still going to make my own decisions and some of them are going to be wrong. 

But they are and will continue to be mine. Not for my ego. For my heart. For my peace. For this messy work of art that is my Life.

It’s all downhill from here 

I feel different this week. Energetically. Emotionally. Freer. Less tense. 

Two weeks ago I interviewed to teach art to little kids at a parks and rec. With the possibility of planning and teaching some one night adult classes. I am waiting to hear back about a second interview.

But either way, whatever happens, this feels right. To teach art. To teach craft. To hone my own skills. Of art and craft and teaching. 

I am actually not saying that this is my dream job. Or the ultimate goal for me. It’s true I am fascinated by both art and craft and the interplay of them. I have a lot of ideas for classes I want to create. But I am also a performer at heart. And in the past few years I have found my voice again for the first time since I was 20. (I mean literally. I am hitting notes I haven’t hit since I was a kid.) And I want some of that too. I want a lot, and lot of everything.

But teaching at a parks and rec seems like a really enjoyable and exciting way to make some money and express my creativity and foster creativity in someone else, while I explore all of the possibilities for my talents. 

One thing I really learned to appreciate when I got my eating under control was that humility was not about underrepresenting what I could do. It was about really honoring what I could do. But recognizing that it was not a thing that had much to do with me, per se. I kept sugar out of my system and abstained from eating compulsively, and I got a clear head and the motivation to do things, make things, be a certain kind of person, be committed to certain things. 

And the longer I kept my eating under control the more I became excited about the commitments I made. The more I loved my life.

I feel like I have crested the hill of a new way of thinking. A real shift in the way I see myself and the world. And while the way down may (will) be rocky, I plan to take it easy and trust the process. After all, if it’s all downhill from here, there is plenty of room to coast.