onceafatgirl

Peace is better than chocolate

Archive for the month “July, 2024”

28 Jul 2024

To die trying

I have always had my own internal game of tug of war with non-conformity and people pleasing. I was not a kid who fit in. Or who wanted to fit in. Or to do the stuff other kids were doing. I liked adults. Or I liked intellectual stimulation. And I can remember being 8 and realizing that not all adults were capable of intellectual stimulation…

But I was also fat, and a girl, and boy crazy and funny, and clever. Which gave me a fear of being shamed, plus a desire to be liked and approved of, and a couple of ways to get that. 

When I got my eating under control, I really let go of most of my people pleasing. And I think I thought I had gotten rid of all of it. Or at least any active people pleasing. 

But the more I get right down to the nitty gritty of myself, I can see that there is an underlying fear, that *nobody* will love me if I don’t pull it back, calm it down, be more quiet, smaller, easier, less annoying or abrasive, not so loud, and for heaven’s sake, not so damn sure of myself. 

Even if most people don’t like me, I don’t care. I don’t like most people. But what about my people? What about the ones I care about losing? 

Look. I already know the answer. The answer is I become my most authentic self and my real and truest people will show up, and the rest will either level up, or give up. And that is how it always has been anyway. And that is a blessing! I know.

But this is the terror of a child. I am bumping up against a very old boogie man. But knowing that doesn’t make it any less scary. 

But you know what kind of does make it less scary? That I did this before. With my terror that I would never have love and partnership. I spent the first 35 years of my life not only single, but without any hope that I could have the kind of companionship and love that I have now. And now I don’t just have it, I know that I deserve it. 

And that took 7 years of having my eating under control and doing the work to become a person I wanted to be, before I even found my husband. (Or re-found him.) And then over a decade together changing. So now, 18 years in of keeping my compulsive eating under control, and doing the spiritual work and continuing to do it, whatever is on the other side of this fear of myself, is worth it. I already know.

So I will get to the bottom of this, or die trying. But I guess there will always be another part of myself to grow, so maybe the goal is to die trying *something.* 

Put that on my tombstone. Here lies Kate, who died trying. 

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21 Jul 2024

My most complicated relationship (cue the Whitney Houston)

I often think about the 12 step idea that being good at life means that I  pedal while Life steers. And so much of pedaling for me is just keeping my sugar addiction and compulsive eating under control. 

When I abstain from simple sugars and carbohydrates and weigh my food, I quiet the noise in my head. I have noise about food, about fear, about eating, about my body, about losing weight and gaining weight. And I can keep control over all of that noise when I am not feeding it drug foods and obsession. 

When the food is down , I can also listen. To myself. To the part of Life or God or The Universe that is inside me. To the people around me that Life sent my way to pass on a message or a clue or a blessing.

So much of a great life seems to be seeing the opportunities in front of me, choosing them, using them, doing something about them.

Over the past year or so, I have started to fix and reconcile the most complicated relationship I am in. The one with myself.

I have some choices that I need to make. Personal choices. And I am coming to terms with the fact that my life has been filled with people who didn’t and don’t understand or approve of me. No. Not ME. My choices. My wants. My DREAMS! 

And that *I*, in my lifetime of fear and self doubt, have been agreeing with everyone who told me I was wrong for being impractical, or silly, or picky, or any of the things that did not make me an easy companion.

So I have been doing what I want. Without a thought to other people. Little things at first. The clothes I want. How I want to spend time and energy. But I have been coming full up against a wall. A wall I built so that other people could approve of me. Easily. Without any work on their part.

But to tear it down is to expose my underbelly. To give an easy, soft target.

I took an action the other day. Reached out to someone for something. But before I did, I wanted to ask all of the people who have opinions about me what their opinion would be about this. 

But I didn’t. 

I meditated. And I remembered that I was not looking for clarity. I was looking for answers. Answers about me and what I wanted. And whether I like it or not, I’m the only one with those. 

I always thought that being a good person was about the ways you impacted others. But right now I can see that I have been impacting myself in harmful ways. As if that were OK. As long as it wasn’t someone “important.”

The last thing I want to say is that I believe that being my most authentic self can only make the world better. Even for all of the people I have been trying to accommodate. Even if it’s an inconvenience. Even if it changes the way they feel about me.

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14 Jul 2024

The good and bad news is you never get the same Kate

Becoming a different person is hard. Even though I have done it many times before.

A thing happened this week where we had a family issue that required a delicate conversation with a family member and it was complicated. Or…we thought it was going to be complicated. And it was not. 

But nobody involved knew that. And the lead up to the solution (which was so graceful and easy it was kind of hilarious) was highly dramatic. Apparently, though, all and only in our own minds.

But here’s the thing. We created drama. And it needed somewhere to go. Some sort of outlet. And it did. And I ended up in an argument with one person and we are still in that argument. 

My best friend reminds me of something all the time. She had a therapist who said that people sometimes get involved in “a game of kick me” (figuratively) and the game doesn’t end until SOMEONE gets figuratively “kicked.” You can kick them. They can kick you. Or either one of you can kick yourselves. But the game won’t end until one of those things happens. 

That is what this feels like. It feels like a whole bunch of people decided that someone needed to get kicked and I, personally, absorbed all of that drama so the rest of them didn’t have to. Calling us back to honesty and integrity over pity and fear. Recalling us to the fact that we did not know what would happen and that our emotional projections were unhelpful. 

And now that very high drama needs an outlet and apparently I and this other person are the people who get to get kicked. Or get to kick each other. Or ourselves. And I don’t even know how to dissipate it. Except maybe to kick or be kicked. And both of those sound like really shitty options to me.

I am constantly trying to grow. I am consistently working on being my most authentic self. With the firm and lasting belief that *that* is my very best self. I am always working to peel back the layers of inauthentic protection that I have put up around me. And that means not being the person I was yesterday. And that means the people around me getting a new person all the time. 

I guess that is the good news, but also the bad news.

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07 Jul 2024

You *can* fight Life, but can you win?

I was literally just writing this blog about how I am packing up to go to the Airbnb house we are renting for a job my husband has about 2.5-3 hours away, when we had tree roots come up from our tub drain, and water come out from under our toilet. 

So as of about 20 minutes ago, I am not going back to the Airbnb with my husband. At least not for a day or two. I am staying here to meet the plumber so we can take care of the issue. 

This turn-on-a-dime kind of thing used to be brutal on me. I was so attached to the way things were set up in my head that any kind of change, especially one that is so loaded and last minute and expensive, could ruin not just the moment but the whole day, and even week. 

Getting my eating under control meant I could be present in the moment. That I could think. That I could stop, regroup, let go of the old plan and move on to a new one that worked. 

How? I don’t know. Seriously. I just know that when I don’t drug myself with sugar and carbohydrates, I don’t get stuck so easily.

I’m not even depressed. The thing is, there is nothing making this awful. Only a little sad and annoying that I have to be separated from my husband again. We have the money. I have the time. This is a fixable problem. Nobody is hurt! It’s just annoying. What we call a “broken shoelace.”

There is a joke that I love. When the average person realizes they have a flat tire, they call AAA. When an addict realizes they have a flat tire they call a suicide hotline. 

Broken shoelaces ruined my life when I let them. Today, I have so much gratitude for all of the blessings, tools, and grace that I have to let Life be Life. And love it all anyway. (Even when I don’t like it.)

It’s always Life on Life’s terms, whether you fight it or not.

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