onceafatgirl

Peace is better than chocolate

Archive for the tag “addiction”

24 Nov 2024

You can break my cable (I broke the cable) but you will never break my spirit! (Again, it was me who broke the cable)

I broke my fancy stepper. (Again.) Not broke broke. I sheered off a(nother) bolt. And the last time I did it, when I reassembled it, the nut was too tight so when it broke this time, the cable broke too. 

So it was 5 am on a Wednesday and 3 minutes into my workout, the steps collapsed and I was just standing there.

What happened next probably only happened because I have my eating under control. Because I was calm and unruffled and entirely unbothered about the situation, which is the direct result of 18+ years of experience that it’s all gonna work out for the best as long as I don’t get high on sugar. 

I went online on my phone to order a new cable. Less than $35. My husband told me to get 2, because it was worth it to have a spare. (Have I mentioned I have broken several steppers, and sheered off several bolts of my fancy stepper? Anyway…) And we agreed I should buy another cheap stepper while we waited for my replacement part.

But my order for the parts wouldn’t go through. I wrote to customer service. I ordered a new cheap stepper to be delivered. And then eventually I had the idea to order my replacement parts on my desktop. That went through!

So I got my cheap replacement stepper that morning. Did my workout and then got an email from the company selling the replacement parts for my fancy stepper. They were giving me an (unrequested) refund. They were giving me a refund for partial shipping and only charging me for one cable. The lady from customer service wrote back to me to say that the broken one was covered under warranty. 

For everything that went “wrong” NOTHING actually went wrong!

I think so much of it is how I look at the world while I have my eating under control. I am always trying to be looking for the gifts. I am always trying to be looking for the lesson. I am always trying to be looking for the ways it can go right. 

I am not always good at it! But I can actually DO it because when I got my eating under control, I could start to hear my real thoughts, feel my real feelings, get to know the real me. And then I could be the real me. And there is so much freedom in that. 

I guess what I am trying to say is that the more I like myself, the less I need to control the world around me. And the more authentic I am, the more I like myself. 

People think my rules about eating are restrictive. And they are. But there’s a thing that comes with rules and following rules. A lack of guilt. So I am not ashamed of my eating (or my inability to stop eating) and I like myself and I love my body and treat it with love, respect and kindness. 

When you are that secure, there is no need to worry about a little thing like a broken cable. And when you don’t have to worry, you can stay out of the way and let Life do its thing.

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17 Nov 2024

Love for my present, clarity about my past

When I got my eating under control in January 2006 (January 2nd, because I will absolutely “start next year”) I wanted to lose weight. More, I wanted to be able to control my weight. I wanted to be able to tell my body what to do and how to do it. And I wanted to tell it to be skinny. 

The joke, of course, is that while I have had my eating under control for over 18 years, I have never been able to “control” my weight. My body does what it does. And while I have never been exactly fat again since I quit sugar, I have been many sizes from a 4 US to a 14 US. That is with my eating under control! That is with me sane and nourished and eating 3 portion controlled meals a day. 

I have noticed several things in my 18+ years in a group of mostly women with their sugar addiction arrested. Many women’s bodies do not fluctuate the way mine does. They lose their weight and they just sort of live in that body for the rest of their lives as long as they keep our eating boundaries. I think it doesn’t occur to them that not all bodies behave that way. The way I once assumed all bodies processed sugar the same way…

Also, I want to say that I can see that I had a truly “easy time” getting my eating under control when compared to other people’s stories. And mine was still awful. I mean BRUTAL! But I did not have the kind of internal struggle that many people do. I did not have to start over repeatedly. I was on autopilot in the beginning, and I rode that wave for a long time before it got difficult. And logistically I was single, no kids, living alone. And I had never cared about fitting in. I was a nonconformist from childhood. Being the weirdo with her own food meant NOTHING to me. 

I was literally just desperate to stop hating myself. And I though that being fat was why I hated myself, so I was desperate to stop being *that.*

But here’s the thing. When I first started with my food program, they explained to me that I have a disease and an allergy, and that it is not a moral issue. I wasn’t fat because I was bad. I was addicted to sugar and simple carbohydrates, and when I put them in my body, they set up a cycle of craving. And knowing that made it possible to stop hating myself and shaming myself. And not hating myself made it possible for me to not NEED to be numb.

But there is still this underlying idea that the “good” thing, the “right” thing is for people to do what we do with food. Fat people I mean. There is still so much moral judgement about bodies based on aesthetics, rather than an eye for helping people not hate themselves.

It took so many years to untangle my fat phobia from my self hatred and sugar addiction. I know some time in the first few years of this blog I admitted how I judged and didn’t like being around fat people. And I spent years picking apart the whys. And they turned out to be because I still hated that poor sugar addicted fat girl I was growing up.

Now I have so much room for her. She really was doing the best she could. She really did need all that numb for her childhood. And she really was not as awful and evil as I (and she) thought she was. 

But I could never have seen that except in giving up sugar, getting my compulsive eating under control, and liking and loving the person I am now. It’s in having love for my present that I can have some clarity about my past.

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10 Nov 2024

My body. My choice. In all things.

When I got my eating under control, I acquired a new level of responsibility for my body. I was purposefully aware of everything that went into it. And as time went on, I took on various commitments to take practical actions toward caring for my vessel. And by practical I mean specific, quantifiable, measurable steps. What a workout looks like and how many days a week I will do that. How much water I will drink a day. How much sleep I will get and what that means about getting to bed. How many journal pages I will write every day. How many minutes I will meditate. Whatever I need to put in place to consistently take care of myself.

Before that, I didn’t know what went into my body because I did not want to know. I didn’t know how my time was spent because I didn’t want to know how much time I wasted. I didn’t want to look. And I didn’t want to see the results. 

But not knowing makes everything worse. The stories in my head vacillated wildly from a total lack of consequences, to a fate worse than anything imaginable. My head is a dangerous neighborhood.

Not looking never did me any good. 

And looking always let me see that my list of problems is truly finite. There is an end. And (so far anyway) my issues are all surmountable through attention and action. 

After all, I never thought I would be able to stop eating compulsively, and here we are, 18+ years later, and sugar doesn’t control me anymore. 

I am reminded this week that it’s more important than ever that I be aware of and responsible for my body. Fully. And unapologetically. My body. My choice. In all things. 

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03 Nov 2024

A grocery date and the joys of eating

The other day my husband  asked me if I wanted to go on a date. To try out a new grocery store.

If this doesn’t sound romantic to you, you are clearly not food obsessed or married to someone food obsessed. I am obsessed. He knows me.

This is real romance, people. Take notes.

And to top it off, this grocery store ended up being magical. I went back today for my weekly shopping. There is everything I need to keep my eating boundaries. Great meats and fresh fish. Sugar free bacons and sausages! Yes, even Italian sausage!!! Wheat germ. The condiments I need. So many varieties. And the persnickety things I want. The c4 pre workout in the sizes and flavors I want. The paper towels I want in the sizes I want. 

But also there is a real life swear to god jewelry store. A clothing store (I haven’t even stepped in there yet.) Furniture. Home decor. Art supplies. YARN AND CRAFTING TOOLS! (Be proud of me. I did not buy any today!) It’s like a Walmart but so much nicer! And really first it’s a grocery store!!! My first love! Food! 

Feeling like I am eating like a queen is the best way for me to feel at home. And I have been so happy with my food. It absolutely makes up for all of the things I don’t really love here.

My new cucumber salad is spectacular. Ice cream made with my favorite yogurt that I can’t even find in Chicago is beyond words! Plus trying new breakfasts. Cold hard boiled eggs instead of fried. Delicious. And different. Also, I have not made bacon once yet!!! (Don’t worry. I will. It’s in the fridge. I’m just sayin…it’s a long time for me.)

There’s that saying, “if momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” When I was eating compulsively and in active sugar addiction, my addiction *was* in charge. And if she wasn’t happy, my life was in ruins and I was going to ruin everyone else’s life for the moment too. And it’s hard to be happy when you alway need more.

Since I got my eating under control, my eating life is content. Always. Momma is calm and has been for years. But I have also never stopped experiencing the joys of eating. And so far, eating here has been particularly joyful. And for that I am grateful.

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27 Oct 2024

Telling the Universe I’m ready with a salad.

We are mostly settled into our Salt Lake City apartment now, and I am feeling great and a little nervous. But excited nervous. 

I have been thinking about changing *something* for the past few weeks now. Obviously the move is a change. But beyond the change of circumstances, I KNOW that making a conscious change can shift everything by offering a new perspective. And that a new perspective can lead to a new commitment. And I KNOW that making a commitment changes the trajectory of your life. (I think that was from the Landmark Forum?) I know that because every commitment I have ever made has changed me as a person for the better. Not just an aspect of my life. Made me a better person overall. 

So I am going to have a new salad this week! I’m going to make a shaved cucumbers and scallions with a homemade Asian sesame dressing! 

I can be obsessed with a particular food or dish for years. There is a part of my dinner that I eat basically every night (except for potentially a night or two a year that is not logistically possible) and have for almost two decades. For the past long time I have been eating cherry and grape tomatoes dipped in Dijon mustard with sweetener. And there are moments of time I can remember based on my food obsessions within my eating boundaries. The summer of turnip French fries. The years of homemade carrot cake. Frozen coffee custard! Little ramekins of fresh custard baked in a Bain Marie with sugar free coffee flavors. And I have no desire to stop obsessing over these food joys. And I don’t care. And nobody cares. It’s my food. I eat what I love.

Plus I have learned that I don’t love my drug foods. That after a moment of numb, they really just made me more unhappy. 

But I do truly love food. And eating. And the tomatoes here are mediocre. So I think that that change in my every day routine will be a nice step toward something new in my life.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. So I am going to start with my salad, but just as a way to tell the Universe I am ready for something bigger and I am paying attention.

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20 Oct 2024

The Gold is in the Practice not the Product

I very much live my life by routine. Certain things happen at certain times of the day. But because of that, when things are out of routine, I can forget the most basic things. So I have alarms set. Multiple alarms for multiple reminders. And AGAIN today, for the second time this month, my alarm went off asking if I had written a blog for the week, and I had completely forgotten.

Tomorrow is the first of two, count them (2), 10 hour drives to move to a new city for 6 months to a year. I have plenty of audiobooks cued up. This is definitely not my first rodeo. I was in the process of making and packing my meals for the next few days when that alarm went off. I am grateful it did. But annoyed too. One more thing on my list.

I am often so good at going with the flow that I don’t necessarily see how stressed I am until a hiccup. And then I have to have my moment of freaking out before I can move on.

So much about what has made my life so much better after I got my eating under control was my ability to shift. To gain a different perspective. To move through a paralyzing feeling onto a different feeling that didn’t hamper my abilities. To be able to think through my feelings and put them in their proper place, as teachers, and sign posts. “This is your authentic self, Kate, and that is not.” And to DO what there is to do, no matter how I FEEL about it.

And I can only do that because I am not eating my feelings. I am living with them. And taking actions without the cloud of sugar fog. 

Actions like stopping what I am doing to fulfill one of my commitments, and the clarity of knowing that the true gold is in the practice and the consistency, not the product.

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13 Oct 2024

The trust process

For the first time in years, my husband and I are going on the road for his job. And I am super excited!

We are headed to Salt Lake City. Where I have never been. I am ready for some mountains! And I have loved living all over the U.S.! It has been a privilege to get to do it these past 11 years. (Though, honestly, it has been a joy to be in our own home for the last 2 too.)

But I will say we are pretty good at moving quickly and efficiently with little notice by this point. We have our apartment there already settled and our furniture delivery scheduled. We have a week to get our home in order and then we drive for 2 days.

There is a saying that how you do anything is how you do everything. 

Before I got my sugar addiction and compulsive eating under control I did everything half-assed, lazily and last minute. It made for a lot of stress and anxiety. But it seemed easier than doing the work which was so scary and overwhelming. 

When I got my eating under control, I got clarity of mind from literally not being high all the time anymore. And I got the practice of taking actions to take care of my life. Like weighing my food. Like abstaining from drug foods. Like calling someone and asking for help when I needed it. 

And I got to learn those lessons for all things. How to anticipate my needs and do my best to take care of them. I plan. I prepare.

But also, trust. How I do everything now is to trust that it’s working out the way it is supposed to. All of it. 18 + years ago I had to trust that changing my eating was worth it. While I went through withdrawal. While my digestive system had to literally learn how to process whole foods. While I was groggy and cranky and out of it. I had to trust in Life in the face of all that for the year and a half that it took me to come fully out of withdrawal. And the truth is, it was absolutely worth every awful, painful, scary, embarrassing moment. 

So if I can trust in Life through that, I can trust that I can manage the process of getting an apartment and some rental furniture.

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06 Oct 2024

Changing the shape of my commitments

My workout was rough on Friday. And I suppose in retrospect most of the week. I can remember several times that I tried to convince myself that “just this once” I didn’t have to do my 3 rd set of floor exercises (Tuesday), or my squats and lunges (Thursday), or any of my squats and lunges OR my floor exercises (Friday.)

I was tired. I was bored. Time felt like slogging through jello.

I did convince myself to do them all. But it took something. I was so internally whiny about it. AND I FELT IT! I suffered through every moment like a bratty toddler forced to eat her broccoli. And I will admit I am grateful. 

But even that gratitude is grudging. I’m annoyed it feels so good to honor a commitment to myself. 

Here is the deal. I definitely (theoretically) know the difference between when not doing something is good for me (keeping me from getting injured) and when I don’t wanna. And this week I didn’t wanna. 

Getting a case of the fuck-its is not a terminal condition for me anymore, the way it was when I was in the food. I can skip a workout once and not immediately accidentally tumble into a robe and fall onto a couch with a bag of chips, but the truth is that sometimes those moments of I don’t wanna really do change the shape of a commitment. And I have been pushing hard against my own boundary this week. Maybe I should be asking myself why.

My commitments have given me a life beyond my wildest dreams. For me it started with the food. But it has grown into a kind of tending to my life through consistency.

In the past 18+ years, I have never been sorry that I didn’t eat the cake. Never. I have never been sorry because I woke up still liking and loving myself. And every day this week, I was not sorry I did the whole workout. In fact, looking back I think I’m a badass.

I did not have that kind of discipline when I was eating compulsively. But getting my eating under control taught me that discipline is a muscle. The more you work it, the stronger it gets. And that changes the shape of a commitment too.

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29 Sep 2024

A little lesson

Today was a day of several minor annoyances, featuring the ATM at my bank being out of service, a slow and mildly frustrating grocery experience (complete with dropping 1 of my reusable grocery bags in the wet parking lot) and totally forgetting I had to write a blog today until I was in the store and my “did you write a blog?” alarm went off. 

But I was not that bothered. Which is so nice. Such a relief.

What was I going to do about it? Nothing. So I got to not be mad about it. 

It’s honestly a blessing to not have to be upset all the time. 

To be responsible for my food, for my eating, for the ingredients and the cooking/preparation, was such a practical lesson in how being responsible meant I could get a say in the outcome. That I could prepare and set it up to go the way I wanted. Almost all the time. Almost. 

And that was the other lesson. Circumstances happen. Not every time. But sometimes, for everyone. 

With food, that’s when I call a friend who does what I do and get help in the moment. Or in life, I take the time and go out of my way and go to another ATM without having to feel like it was a personal attack. Or wait it out in the checkout line with a smile and good attitude for the very nice people who work at my grocery store. 

Before I had my eating under control, I was very interested in the Zen Buddhist idea that there was no “should have” or “would have” or “could have.” That there is only ever one way a moment could have gone and that is the way it went. That if there were any other way for it to go, it would have gone that way. 

I was desperate to understand this at the time. But I know now it was impossible for me to accept this idea before I got my eating under control. Because I was positive that everything was supposed to be a different way for me. I hated my life! Surely there was another me somewhere that got all of the wonderful things I deserved!!!!

But when I got my eating under control I understood that every moment was right for me. That I just had never been learning the lessons. I had been trying to learn how to get life to bend to my will. Instead of learning to see what life was offering. Today’s offering, peace is already inside me. 

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22 Sep 2024

An excellent maker

On Friday night I met up with a friend to see a show at The Chicago Theatre. It was fun! I got to spend some quality time with my friend! But, like almost anything social, it was at the worst possible time for me to plan my dinner. 

But I made a plan. I was going to bring my dinner with me, check it at the theater coat check and eat it with my friend after the show. 

But if there is one thing I have learned about keeping my eating boundaries “no matter what,” it’s to call ahead. 

So I did. And they told me in no uncertain terms, that any unsealed outside food items would not be allowed in the building. 

And I heard that. I didn’t argue. I didn’t complain. I accepted the rule.

So I made a new plan. Now I knew I *had to* eat before hand. I made the smallest meal I could, got to the venue early, and had a seat on a stoop in the city and ate and people watched. 

It wasn’t my favorite meal. It wasn’t the most comfortable eating experience. But I stayed within my eating boundaries, got to enjoy the show with zero worries or regrets. Got to see and be present for both the show and for my friend. 

The other thing I want to say is, I took responsibility for my eating, my timing, and my life. I could have not called ahead about my meal. I could have assumed and felt entitled and brought my homemade meal. And I could have been humiliated for not calling ahead and then I could have been angry at the person doing their job for not letting outside food in.

In fact, aside from the fact that I wouldn’t have been bringing sugar free foods anywhere when I was eating compulsively, the rest is exactly what I would have done if I were still in active addiction. I would have been embarrassed and then made it everyone else’s problem. 

I am responsible for all of the things in my life. I guess I always have been. I just didn’t want to *take* the responsibility when I was eating compulsively. Now I am grateful for all of the ways I can take responsibility. I learned that first with my food and my eating, and then everything else. Because when it’s in my hands, I can make something of it. And I’m an excellent maker.

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