onceafatgirl

Peace is better than chocolate

Archive for the tag “Being prepared”

Because I’m not willing to find out when tomorrow might be

My morning routine on work days is waking up and going on my 2 mile jog, some pushups, crunches, and planks, shower and get ready for work, and then eat my portion-controlled breakfast at my desk.

But on my way to work the other day, my cooler went flying and I lost part of my breakfast to the seats and floor of my car.

Having something go wrong with my food always makes me feel a little panicked. Even after over 12 1/2 years. Even after a past that includes a million things going wrong with my food and everything turning out just fine.

I think this panic is probably pretty healthy for me. It keeps me from saying “screw it.” It keeps me from thinking “I’ll just start again tomorrow.” The truth is, I don’t know if I have another start in me. And if I do, there’s no guarantee it’s tomorrow. It could be 10 years and 200 lbs from tomorrow. I have seen it happen to others before. And I don’t want to find out if that’s me or not. That panic keeps me focused on getting what I need to keep my eating boundaries intact.

But there *is* something that 12+ years has taught me. And that is to be prepared for accidents, mishaps, problems, and human error.

So I keep backup of all of the food I need for my portion controlled meals at work, and a small, digital food scale (with extra batteries) in my purse.

When I got to work, I just used the backup I had to have the breakfast I was going to have in the first place. And it was delicious.

And, I have to admit, the rest of my day was pretty awesome! Not in spite of the fact that I had a rocky start, but because I did, and I came through keeping my promises to myself.

The truth is, that even with all of the backup I keep, and the lengths that I go to to be prepared, things could have gone wrong. I mean even more wrong than losing part of a meal, and having to clean it off of my leather seats. That is the way of the world. But I am willing to do anything it takes to keep my food under control. I had money if I needed to stop and buy something. I have people to call if I have a problem that I don’t know how to, or can’t fix. I have the willingness to listen to the direction of those people. And, most importantly, I have a willingness to keep my promises about my food and my boundaries in any and all situations.

Being prepared, being honest, and being willing to do whatever it takes are the most important tools I have in keeping my eating under control. In the long run, I am happier for having panicked, and then fixed my problem to keep my boundaries, than if I had let it go and “started again tomorrow.” Whenever tomorrow would have been.

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Food is the problem. The hurricane is just a situation.

I am in Corpus Christi, hunkering down in anticipation of Hurricane Harvey. I am writing this on Friday, even though I will schedule it to post for Saturday. There is some worry about winds, but really, my biggest worries are flooding, and what will happen when we lose power, internet and cell service.

I went out early Thursday morning, made sure I had enough food and water to last a week. But the truth is I didn’t need to buy much for myself, because being prepared “for anything” in terms of my food boundaries, is how I roll in general. I already had a house full of non perishables for my food plan. I mostly had to make sure that my husband wouldn’t starve. We even have a propane grill, if we need to cook. But frankly, he has enough bread and PB&J to last the duration.

Keeping a house full of food has long been a means of calming myself and creating a sense of peace. For me, knowing that my food is taken care of means that I can take care of anything else. There’s a woman I know and she says “I only have one problem: Food. Everything else is just a situation.” I love this saying because that is my experience. Food was always my problem. I was miserable being fat, I wanted to stop eating but I couldn’t, and both my body and my obsession with food were a constant source of pain and shame for me. Eating compulsively colored every aspect of my life. It affected how I thought about myself, what I said to myself in my inner dialogue, and how I treated myself. It was a problem. And it created a million other problems for me.

When I got my eating under control, slowly but surely, I had fewer and fewer problems. Which is not to say that things didn’t go wrong. Life is still life. But I could get out of my own way. I was causing myself less trouble. And when something happened, I could deal with it with clarity, and a modicum of self-respect. Coming from a place of self-respect drastically changed the kinds of actions I took in the face of trouble and hardship.

So I am not in the best situation right now. It’s a little stressful. I have had an eye twitch pretty much nonstop since Thursday morning. (That’s the most common way my body deals with stress.) But I am doing my best to make good, rational decisions, and take proper care of myself and my husband. (And the neighborhood cat that was left out in the storm. No seriously. My husband brought the cat in…not that I am complaining. I like the cat.) But it’s not a problem. It’s not debilitating. It doesn’t feel like a horrible hole that I have fallen into and cannot get back out of, the way food did. It’s just a situation. And I will deal with it, moment to moment, with humor and grace. Or humor and grace is the plan anyway. Either way I will deal with it. And this too shall pass, like everything, good and bad alike.

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