onceafatgirl

Peace is better than chocolate

Archive for the tag “eating boundaries”

09 Nov 2025

Creative problem solving at its finest

Last week I wrote about how I know I am a food addict because I freaked out when I realized I only fed my entirely fine kitten 3 meals instead of 4 one day last week. How my brain is not rational around food. Well I got another reminder this week from a different quarter. 

In the morning I often pack my husband’s lunch box for work. And he likes a snack of an apple dipped in yogurt and crushed peanuts. It’s a quarter cup of peanuts. I measure it out. Not like I would for me. (I actually don’t eat most legumes, including peanuts. They trigger sugar cravings for a lot of sugar addicts.) It’s heaping instead of flat. If a few don’t fit and fall out of the cup I give them to him anyway. 

But I can tell how hungry I am by how big or small that bag of peanuts looks to me. 

A lot of times people are incredulous that after 19 years and 10 months I can’t just eyeball my food by now. Like how do I not know what 4 ounces looks like after almost two entire decades? How could I still need to weigh it? Every time?

But I know that I am still very much not normal around food because I cannot even eyeball someone else’s peanuts that have zero effect on my life. Some days in the same week that bag looks so abundant I think “wow! That is a lot of peanuts!” And alternatively “Ugh. What a pittance!” Sometimes on consecutive days! 

One thing I learned to do by accepting my sugar addiction was meet myself where I am at. I cannot eat sugar like a normal eater. And I love to eat and cannot get myself to stop. So I gave up sugar, and made sure that all of my food is always delicious. Creative problem solving at its finest.

And it still works 19 years and 10 months in.

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02 Nov 2025

My cat is not a food addict

This week I got a look at how not in touch with reality I am to food. From my cat.

So my kitten gets fed 4 times a day. A mix of dry and wet food, and she doesn’t finish the food most meals most days. 

Well the other day I realized I only fed her TWICE that day as I was putting down her last meal for the night for a grand total of 3 meals. 

I was terrified! I was so upset with myself. Should I leave out more food? Will it go bad? What if she wakes up hungry in the night?!?! What if she’s been waiting for this food, and is starving!

She had not been crying and begging for food. She did not fall upon it ravenously. She did not even seem to notice that she “missed” a meal. She ate it much as she does every other meal. With the same intensity.

But *I* was worried. Literally actually worried that I had left her hungry enough to make her unwell. Because she can’t talk. And all I have is routine. Because I don’t think about food normally. 

Obviously it didn’t take me too long to get rational and recognize that she is not only fully nourished but also healthy and well cared for in every way. That one meal one time for a cat that eats FOUR TIMES A DAY is fine. That if she didn’t complain she probably didn’t care. There are not a lot of martyr kittens. 

Having my eating under control is how I, personally, know what to eat. Because I don’t ever feel done. I don’t ever FEEL like I have had enough. I weight out food on a scale. I eat the same amount every day. That is how I know I have had enough. My body is not good at that on its own.

So when I feed my cat 4 measured out meals, that makes sense to me. Because I do the same for me, only mine is only 3 meals and they are way more food. And way more delicious…(you can’t give cats spices…)

And when I fail to give my cat one of those meals, I get as upset as I would if I forgot one of MY meals. 

The good news is, I was more upset about it than my cat who is apparently not a food addict. 

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26 Oct 2025

Being just to be with another being

One thing I have noticed since getting my kitten, Harlow, is that she pulls me back to the present all the time. Which alerts me to the fact that I am not in the present a lot of the time. 

There are some things that I have learned over the past 19+ years of having my eating under control that go against the modern conventional wisdom. Like that I should be eating to live not living to eat. If a food program is going to be sustainable for me, I am going to have to be obsessed with the food. Or that the goal in life is to be present all the time. I am an artist and a creative. I do my best work in my fantasy world. Literally. 

But there is something that I don’t get in my daydream world. And that is peace. And Harlow brings me peace. A new kind of peace that I don’t have a lot of experience with. Being just to be with another being. 

Sometimes it is too much peace. I have literally never in my life slept so much in the day by accident. And I am not a good napper. I just wake up tired and disoriented and then have to make dinner…

Don’t get me wrong. I have a lot of worries and anxiety about her. Doing accidental harm is my biggest personal fear. But the relationship is easy. And being in the moment with her is easy. And that brings me a lot of peace in my everyday.

The other thing I have to remind myself of is that she has been so easy that I expect her to be easy about everything. And that makes me nervous to do things she won’t like. But we are both still capable. For example, she hasn’t  taken to harness training the way she has to all of the other things, like car rides and exploring 2 houses. And I have to actually do the work like I would have to with a cat with a difficult personality. 

And honestly. The worst she does is give me the side eye! She doesn’t even cry! So I am just that spoiled! 

I have lived my life for myself. And I have zero shame or regrets. It kept me from taking on responsibilities I didn’t want. It means I have a life I love that I chose for myself. But there is something special that I have never had before BECAUSE I didn’t want responsibility for another life. That I am now so grateful to have. 

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19 Oct 2025

Getting over any it

Before I got my eating under control in my late 20s, it always felt like nothing would ever change. All of the bad things seemed to stick around. All of my problems seemed linked to my “being.” When people said this too shall pass, I often felt like no. Not *this*! This is set in stone. 

And there is a saying. What you resist persists. Which I believe. Resistance is an acknowledgment of something. Acknowledgment is a form of power. And of course a big part of the persistence is perspective. There only ever seemed like one, impossible way to solve any problem. 

By quitting simple sugar and carbohydrates I changed myself. First I changed my perspective on what I was capable of. Like the ability to not eat compulsively. The ability to keep my word and my commitments. And then, slowly but surely I became a person I had once believed I was not and could not be. 

I believed I was not meant to be one of those people who watches what they eat and works out. I was terrified and traumatized by doctors, so I never sought medical help if I could at all avoid it. I had a lot of excuses that felt REAL! They felt true. And I had so much evidence. 

And then after choosing to get control of my eating I became a person who takes care of herself. After the food, moderating my caffeine lead to getting better sleep. I became a person who wanted to use her body. Working out lead to loving my body at any size. Going to the doctor lead to learning I have exercise induced asthma, and making my workouts actually easy and enjoyable. And getting an antidepressant that changed my entire outlook on life. 

I don’t usually think about it this way but I needed to get over some idea about myself. Or the world. Or myself in the world. 

It is only after getting my eating under control that I had the mental and emotional space to deal with all of the fears and worries I was living with. At 48, troubles I had at 25 that I could not imagine a solution to, aren’t even a blip on my radar. Fears for my future that used to paralyze me are gone, non-issues. I am the most content I have ever been with myself and my life. 

I just had to get over it first. Any it.

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05 Oct 2025

A particularly freeing choice

Last week we went to the house we own in the Chicago suburbs, and while I was there I dropped off most of my summer clothes picked up some fall clothes. 

And I noticed a few things. That some clothes still technically fit but were unflattering because I bought them for the me with a smaller butt. And that the clothes that I do have and still wear are a huge range of sizes. Size 8 pants. Size 14 pants. Size medium pants.  Size Large pants. Size XL pants. 

The thing is clothing companies clearly *want* us to have a reaction to sizes. And different people have different reactions. Some women want to see a smaller number so some companies size everything bigger. Some companies size everything smaller. In fact some women shop at places that don’t carry more than a few small sizes because they want the exclusivity of fitting into a limited skinny size range. 

Sizes are not actually helpful because they are not standardized. They are a kind of psychological warfare. Because thinness is considered a virtue in the Western world, and women are expected to strive for it. And I spent most of my life trying to strive for it and failing. Or striving and then failing.

About 3 years ago I started doing exercises to build my butt muscles. And I have entirely changed the shape of my lower body. And that was the first time in my life that the goal was “bigger.” Previously, the goal had only ever been smaller. 

The goal of bigger meant that the number/letters on the clothing tags had less impact. The truth is my size did go down at first as I lost fat and built muscle. But when they started to go back up I was happy, not freaked out. When what was filling out the pants was butt and not belly, I had the experience of loving bigger! I had the option of thinking about drape and fit with bigger sizes because I was not obsessed with the smallest possible numbers!

I quit smoking cigarettes about 13 years ago, and I gained weight uncontrollably. Even though I was still weighing and measuring all of my food. And it was making me crazy so I stopped weighing my body. The number on the scale would mess with my head. It didn’t matter if I thought I looked great in the mirror. 

Because there are numbers that are good and numbers that are bad. Numbers we should be. Single digit sizes. S M L. And numbers we should not be. Anything with Xs on the tag. Double digits. And we, as girls, learn this. From our family members, from our peers, from random ass women on the street making their judgements known.

I guarantee every girl and woman has a number she should be and a number she is. And almost all of the time, the number she should be is smaller than the number she is. 

And the goalposts move.

I didn’t even know how much this impacted me until it stopped happening to me. I did sort of know. You can’t not know growing up a woman in the U.S. But I had no idea how deep rooted it was until it changed in my head. Because I chose muscle. I didn’t even know I was choosing muscle over skinny when it started. I was just enjoying having a butt for the first time in my life as a grown woman! 

But it turned out I was making a choice. And it was a particularly freeing one. 

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31 Aug 2025

I can want with clarity

Anyone who knows me really well knows that I don’t want to excess, BUT I want what I want how I want it, pretty intensely. And that is still true now at 48. But there are some huge differences.

Getting my eating under control taught me that I am responsible for getting what I want. And it taught me that I really do care how I get it. I won’t “do anything” to get what I want. I have limits. I have personal boundaries.

When I put down sugar and grains and started managing my compulsive eating the very first lesson was that nobody could do it for me. Literally. I have to weigh my own food. Unless I am physically incapable, I have to be the person who puts the food on the scale. (People in my community are really committed. And I have specific friends who have had to have loved ones weigh their food for them after being hit by a train or a bus because they *were* physically incapable.) 

There were no “excuses” for why I didn’t have the food I needed. Or why I didn’t have a scale with me or why I couldn’t do what I said I would do. I was told it was my responsibility to be prepared.

So yesterday, I had a plan for eating on our travel day. (We are visiting family on vacation!) And it didn’t work out. But I was prepared for eventualities! And they did, indeed, “event.” (This time. Sometimes they don’t.) But I was prepared for that too. 

Were they my favorite meals? No. Were they still delicious? Yes. And they were all within my eating boundaries. One hundred percent. And that is the most important thing. My peace and my self-respect are inextricably linked to whether I put drug foods in my body.

The ability to put what I need above what I want came from putting boundaries around my eating. Along with the ability to know when what I want is not meant for me. But also, having my eating under control and my drug foods down, means that I can go after what I do want with clarity, consistency, and drive.

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24 Aug 2025

Less to push against

When I was a nanny, there was a very specific trick I learned to get a sleep hating kid to go to sleep. You have to NOT CARE if the kid goes to sleep.

Why does it work? I have my theories. Kids are energy vampires. If you have ever held a newborn you may have noticed that they don’t actually do anything, but *you* are exhausted anyway. And if you have any anxious energy for a kid to PUSH against, they will. But anyway no matter why it works, it *does* work. 

Well this week the kittens in the back yard of our apartment came back. With their very pregnant momma ready to drop another litter. And it occurred to me that they came back, because I stopped wanting one of them to choose me. Because my husband and I agreed to go to the shelter and adopt a kitten there. And now there is no anxious energy from me for them to push against. 

Is this true? I don’t know. But it definitely fits a pattern I am used to.

When I got my eating under control I started to learn to accept that I would not get everything I wanted, and that was OK. And then I started to realize that every time I didn’t get what I wanted, I got something better. So it was actually better than OK.

It takes a constant reregulating of my expectations. Desire, disappointment, mourning, acceptance of the reality of any situation. A cycling through of all of the emotions I need to catch up to the moment. And that hasn’t really changed. But the gift of doing this for almost 20 years is time. It takes so much less time for me to be disappointed. And I don’t have to NOT be disappointed. I don’t have to suck it up and be a grown up. I can feel however I feel. It just serves me to get through those feelings quicker.

So we are still going to the shelter in two weeks to find a kitten to adopt. But in the meantime we are feeding momma and her babies. And my husband keeps insisting to the strays that they missed their chance to be adopted by us. But we all know what happens when a guy insists he doesn’t want a pet….

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10 Aug 2025

Caring more, but also could not care less

Yesterday, I had a very busy, very lovely day. My cousin is getting married and I went to her bridal shower. And then later that evening my nephew and niece and her girlfriend all came over to play Guitar Hero. 

I ate different food from everyone else for both parties. And I didn’t care. 

First, I made sure I didn’t feel deprived. I ate fatty foods that I love and are delicious. And I enjoyed the experience. Both at the shower and at home with the kids. For a minute at the shower I considered being embarrassed about my very clearly different and weird meal. But then I just decided not to. And I could. Just decide not to be embarrassed.

Having my eating under control makes social interactions ten thousand times easier, just because I don’t care how I land as long as it’s not as a bad person. 

Oh, you think I laugh weird? I do! You think it’s weird to bring your own food to a catered party? It is! You have opinions about my clothes or my hair or my very big personality? ME TOO! WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!

Having my eating under control is the ability to keep promises to myself, not just to other people. And that, the ability to care for myself even better than I care for others, is where my self esteem comes from. Not from making everyone else comfortable. My self esteem comes from me keeping my life authentic. Even if that means disappointing other people. 

So people pleasing is an oxymoron, of sorts. When I am my most authentic self, most people like me more, not less. And I like me more. Which makes the other people who do like me less, less important to me.

Over the past few months and years, it has become more and more clear to me that it’s time to keep our communities close. That I, personally, want to look at what I can do to protect, and provide for the people around me. And that is money and resources. But it’s also space. And fun. And showing up to celebrate. The big moments. And also, just being together.

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03 Aug 2025

Strong over skinny.

Ilona Maher, the Olympic medalist in women’s rugby turned social media star did a cute little video where she makes fun of the old saying that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. And she says, she thinks feeling strong feels better and also have you tried tiramisu?

Obviously I don’t eat tiramisu anymore, because sugar is poison for me, but I will not give up my yogurt with 10% milk fat, my salt and vinegar pork rinds, or my crunchy cheese to be smaller. Smaller for what? For whom? 

And when I really thought about it, I NEVER felt comfortable, confident, or content when I was skinny. 

I didn’t even KNOW I was skinny! I was struggling with my body every moment. Even after I had stopped struggling with my food.

I was trying to figure out how to be the most beautiful woman I could be. And I thought it had to do with what I projected rather than what I was *being.* And I was absolutely positive it had to do with being small and also shaped like a supermodel. Or fooling the world around me into thinking I was that.

In fact, it was the uncontrollable weight gain that happened after I quit smoking, the worst emotional pain of my life since I had gotten my eating under control, that forced me to stop striving for skinny as a goal. At all. I was eating less food, fewer calories, and moving more. And I just gained weight. There was nothing left but to give my weight to the Universe and say, welp, I guess this is your problem now.

BUT! That didn’t really happen the way I wanted it to for another 10 years. I got more and more comfortable in my skin, but I would not really give up on “smaller” as the goal until I started to focus on muscle. On strength. On balance and flexibility. On what my body could DO!

So I concur. Feeing strong feels better than feeling skinny. Because skinny is illusive. It has a slippery definition, and it is tied, culturally, to “perfection” and “true beauty.” And it does not serve anyone. But strength is easy to see and understand, and to use to the benefit of our friends, ourselves and those we would offer it to. 

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27 Jul 2025

Maybe leave us out of it?

Sometimes I am really confronted with how much work I have done on my internalized fat phobia, and how much the default response of most people to fatness or things related to fatness, is disgust and judgement.

On Facebook the other day I saw a woman I used to go to school with posting about her daughter’s difficulties since being diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. That is not the thing that hit me. That sucks and I wish her and her daughter the best.

It’s how she went ON AND ON about how it was not her daughter’s fault. Because type 1 is not the one where it’s your fault. My issue being the idea that type 2 is your fault? She explained over and over about how she and her daughter are following a diet based on her doctor’s recommendations and watch her food and she’s a healthy eater and they are doing all the right things.

Here’s the deal. I understand that this is a woman who has only had to deal with fat phobia as it applies to every woman in the Western world, which is admittedly no small thing, but therefore has never had to dismantle the structures in it. And she is a societally attractive woman. So she has most certainly experienced privilege based on her beauty. Which is not a slight. Just a truth. I like her. She’s a nice lady.

But fuck did it hurt my feelings to hear her try to insist her daughter is one of the worthy ones, instead of inherently understanding that every one of us is worthy. Even if we have eating disorders. Even if our bodies are not the standard. Even if we are hugely fat! Yes! Even then!

Fatness is not always an addiction. I didn’t understand that until I had my eating under control. There are plenty of happy, healthy fat people. People who love their lives and their bodies and are simply fat.

I was not one of those people. I was an addict. I wanted to stop and I could not. And even though I did it to lose weight, I KEEP my eating under control because it makes my life better. But it doesn’t always keep me thin. I have been very thin but I have also been quite chubby.

It turns out thinness is not as predictable for me as common lore would have you believe. Calories in calories out is not actually the way it works. Not for me, anyway.

But even if it is clear that a person is fat, and an addict, and miserable, and not doing the “right things,” do they really deserve to suffer and die?

There are plenty who will say yes. And I think it’s quite possible I would have been one when I was in the food and miserable and a self-hating fat phobe. Because I used to believe one had to earn their place in the world. But now that is not true of me. 

I guess I will wrap it up with this thought. Sometimes the only way to change is to think you are worth it. And when you tell people they are not worth it, you are just slowing the process of the thing you think should happen. 

Also, maybe mind your own business. You can talk about Type 1 diabetes without bringing Type 2 into it…

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