onceafatgirl

Peace is better than chocolate

Archive for the tag “feelings”

02 Mar 2025

Connection collection

I don’t spend a lot of time with people other than my husband. And I like it that way. I have certainly set it up that way for myself. We often live in a different city every year or two and I am not out and about making friends. 

I am at the grocery stores and the craft shops or at home cooking and crafting. I talk to my friends on the phone who are mostly out of state anyway. 

But my husband turned 50 this week! (Yay!) And his grandma turned 90 the same day! (Wow!) So we flew from SLC home to Chicago for a few days. We drove to Indianapolis to visit his grandma. Plus he got to reunite with his step daughter and meet his step grandson for the first time. Not to mention hanging out with the usual suspects when we’re home for a few days. And the neighbor cat was convinced to love me again with (multiple) treats!!! So there was a lot of face to face interaction. With lots of people. Some new.

But it was easy. And the reason is because when I have my eating disorder and sugar addiction under control I don’t spend my time worrying about what other people think of me. I like me. I act and think and behave according to my own heart. And when I don’t I apologize and make amends. You either like me or you don’t. It’s not really my concern. 

And that leaves lots of room for connection. The people who love me and whom I love are MY PEOPLE. And I don’t have to do anything to make them like me. I don’t have to contort myself. I am just the most authentic that I can be. And in all that freedom there is so much room for friendship, camaraderie, community, laughter, mourning, and love. 

When I got my eating under control 19 years ago, I didn’t have a lot of sense of community. Actually I felt like I knew what community was. I came from a big family. But they felt very unwelcoming to me. And I had friends, but in retrospect, many of them were also unwelcoming. Jealous or snide or mean. And I was some side of that coin with many people. There are very few people from my past that I am friends with. (I have new friends. In my food program and out.)

But then all of a sudden I had a food program and these women (and men but mostly women) who wanted to help me keep my commitments to myself. And they were willing to give me their time and energy and wisdom, because someone had done it for them. And I was expected to do it as well when called upon. 

And the thing about community, even when there are people I don’t like, because there are definitely people in my food program that I don’t like, is that it makes for quality connections. And connections make us feel necessary. Seen and acknowledged. And that feels good. It even feels good to do something helpful and generous for the people you don’t like sometimes. Very proud, at the very least. 

It has been a joy to be around these people this week. Laughter and tears and intimate conversations and stupid stuff too. 

Don’t get me wrong. I’m exhausted. I can’t wait to go hide in my SLC apartment and craft like the goblin I am. But this week has been a wonderful reminder of how much love there is in my life. And I only have it and feel it because I am not compulsively eating drug foods.

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23 Feb 2025

Is this growth? (Probably not but it is different.)

I have been rationing Sweet n Low since yesterday when I realized that I didn’t have any more in the house than what was on my counter (unheard of, frankly) and I didn’t want to leave the house to go get more. In fact I don’t want to leave the house until tomorrow. So I divided it up and I have been using it wisely. 

I need you to know that when I was in the food I absolutely would have left the house in the middle of a blizzard on foot to get ice cream. And maybe even have eaten all or most of it on the way home. So I probably got a lot more than just ice cream.

But now I keep my eating boundaries the way I chased sugar. So if I think I need some artificial sweetener or I don’t know what I am going to do, you’re damn right I am going to get me some artificial sweetener. 

But today, 19 years into having my eating under control, I can just ration out my artificial sweetener. I don’t need to go out in a blizzard, or even just when I don’t want to, to get my pacifier. I can manage.

If you think I am going to be ashamed or embarrassed by my “pacifier,” please think again. I do whatever it takes to keep my sugar addiction under control. And almost 2 decades of being in control doesn’t make me less of an addict, it just makes it harder to remember how desperate I was at 28, not being able to stop eating, and doing all sorts of awful things to my body to try to keep my weight down. 

But it feels kind of good to not NEED to leave the house. And honestly, I have not felt deprived using less. Perhaps I planted a seed for myself. To cut down (someday), or even let it go (eventually.) 

But not today.

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19 Jan 2025

Worth every boring moment

I made another very cool pouch! A Taco Pouch, with a zipper and a taco fabric lining. It’s amazing! I love it!

But on Wednesday this past week I did not love where I was. All of the creative part was done. All that was left to do was assembly. So lots of detail work. 

My husband is a kind of construction worker, and he runs jobs where they build and install machines. And we sometimes talk about “show steel” which is the part of the job that looks impressive. Like if yesterday there was nothing but an empty space there and now there’s a bunch of machine standing up all over the factory. But for the next few days, the work will be detail work. It will be tightening bolts and putting up handrail, etc. Which still needs to be done, but doesn’t look like anything. And it doesn’t impress anyone.

So all I had left on Wednesday was detail work. And I had a great new idea for a cheeseburger pouch! So I didn’t *want* to iron fabric and make and cut out patterns on graph paper, and impale myself on straight pins while trying to cut and sew. 

But I did. Because crafting is not only about the creative part. For me it’s about details. About my own fastidiousness. About craft. About my understanding that a job worth my time and energy is worth utmost care and attention.

And I’m so glad I did. Because it’s a real masterpiece. I am so proud of it!

And then about 1/3 of the way through the cheeseburger, I needed a break. I had exhausted my creativity. 

So for the past few days I have been not creating. I’ve been cleaning. Doing mindless knitting that is all hands and rhythm and no brain.

I think if I had not finished Taco Pouch, I would not be able to. It would have been lost in the creative void with the pieces of a bunny and the head and body of a discarded character doll and a handful of other projects.

But I did complete it. And now when I am filled up again creatively and ready to make again, I can get back to my cheeseburger. And know that I have a history of completing these pouches, even when I am at the boring part. 

There is pride in knowing I will do what it takes to make something to completion. It doesn’t come naturally to me. It’s something I have had to cultivate. And it’s worth every boring needle pricked moment.

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22 Dec 2024

No void to fill this Christmas

I am in Chicago for a few days for some pre-holiday celebrating. But not actual holiday. We are headed back to our apartment in SLC on Christmas Eve, and we will celebrate Christmas by not really doing much of anything. Yay!

‘Cause I don’t really care about Christmas.

Here’s part of it: I love my life every day. I’m not anxiously anticipating a special day. I like my regular days. And in fact, these special days are often exhausting if you do the bells and whistles. 

So I don’t do the bells and whistles. And I don’t want to. And I thankfully married a man who doesn’t want to either. 

Having my eating under control makes it possible to be unapologetically myself. I don’t feel pressured to do things to please others. Or to meet other’s’ expectations. (And the truth is half the time I was just meeting what I assumed others’ expectations would be.) But instead now I already like myself. I don’t need to try to make everyone happy to fill that void. 

So this year we are keeping holidays low key. Seeing family. Spending time. Enjoying company. And then leaving and enjoying peace and quiet.

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15 Dec 2024

I could have used that energy to make something

I am trying to learn not to anticipate trouble. Or maybe that is not what I mean. I am trying to learn to anticipate trouble without having to have a freaking feeling about it. 

Today I had to go to the grocery store. Like I often do on Sunday. And there is limited near-to-me parking in my apartment complex. And I don’t personally have an assigned parking spot. And last week there wasn’t a spot when I got home from the store. But I did end up having the good luck of someone pulling out and I got to grab that spot.

All of that seems pretty normal. A regular everyday thing.

But I’m an addict. So WHAT IF IM NOT THAT LUCKY THIS TIME?!??? WHAT IF NOBODY IS PULLING OUT AND I GET HOME WITH GROCERIES AND THERE IS NOWHERE TO PARK???

That is kind of what it is like in my head all the time. And you know what? There was an answer. I made a plan. I would have my husband help me unpack the car and then go park in the far away parking. (Which is not that far. Just not carry groceries close.) 

In the end, the spot I left was open when I got home. 

I worried about it ALL MORNING. Before I even took my shower to go to the store I was worrying about parking with groceries I had not even bought yet. 

I want to learn to be prepared without having to have so much anxiety about not being prepared. I want to make a plan, and then just know it will all be fine.

The deal is that with my compulsive eating and sugar addiction under control I take care of myself. I do the things I need to do. From the practical to the spiritual. I know how to keep a promise to myself. And that gives me self esteem. It makes me like and love myself. 

And *that* lets me look at myself clearly and SEE that I am not doing myself any favors by borrowing uncertain future trouble. That I am wasting time and energy that could be used to make something.

I don’t know what I want to do about it. I’ll meditate on it. Come up with a plan. But I want to trust. First in Life and the Universe. But not just in Life and the Universe. In me! I’m a smart, capable woman. I can figure shit out in the moment if I need to too! I do it all the time! 

The other thing I want to say about this is I am on antidepressants. And they really did change things for me. So while I absolutely believe in the elasticity of the brain and I made many changes before I was on them, it would be disingenuous not to note that I currently have help not feeling so anxious. 

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24 Nov 2024

You can break my cable (I broke the cable) but you will never break my spirit! (Again, it was me who broke the cable)

I broke my fancy stepper. (Again.) Not broke broke. I sheered off a(nother) bolt. And the last time I did it, when I reassembled it, the nut was too tight so when it broke this time, the cable broke too. 

So it was 5 am on a Wednesday and 3 minutes into my workout, the steps collapsed and I was just standing there.

What happened next probably only happened because I have my eating under control. Because I was calm and unruffled and entirely unbothered about the situation, which is the direct result of 18+ years of experience that it’s all gonna work out for the best as long as I don’t get high on sugar. 

I went online on my phone to order a new cable. Less than $35. My husband told me to get 2, because it was worth it to have a spare. (Have I mentioned I have broken several steppers, and sheered off several bolts of my fancy stepper? Anyway…) And we agreed I should buy another cheap stepper while we waited for my replacement part.

But my order for the parts wouldn’t go through. I wrote to customer service. I ordered a new cheap stepper to be delivered. And then eventually I had the idea to order my replacement parts on my desktop. That went through!

So I got my cheap replacement stepper that morning. Did my workout and then got an email from the company selling the replacement parts for my fancy stepper. They were giving me an (unrequested) refund. They were giving me a refund for partial shipping and only charging me for one cable. The lady from customer service wrote back to me to say that the broken one was covered under warranty. 

For everything that went “wrong” NOTHING actually went wrong!

I think so much of it is how I look at the world while I have my eating under control. I am always trying to be looking for the gifts. I am always trying to be looking for the lesson. I am always trying to be looking for the ways it can go right. 

I am not always good at it! But I can actually DO it because when I got my eating under control, I could start to hear my real thoughts, feel my real feelings, get to know the real me. And then I could be the real me. And there is so much freedom in that. 

I guess what I am trying to say is that the more I like myself, the less I need to control the world around me. And the more authentic I am, the more I like myself. 

People think my rules about eating are restrictive. And they are. But there’s a thing that comes with rules and following rules. A lack of guilt. So I am not ashamed of my eating (or my inability to stop eating) and I like myself and I love my body and treat it with love, respect and kindness. 

When you are that secure, there is no need to worry about a little thing like a broken cable. And when you don’t have to worry, you can stay out of the way and let Life do its thing.

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27 Oct 2024

Telling the Universe I’m ready with a salad.

We are mostly settled into our Salt Lake City apartment now, and I am feeling great and a little nervous. But excited nervous. 

I have been thinking about changing *something* for the past few weeks now. Obviously the move is a change. But beyond the change of circumstances, I KNOW that making a conscious change can shift everything by offering a new perspective. And that a new perspective can lead to a new commitment. And I KNOW that making a commitment changes the trajectory of your life. (I think that was from the Landmark Forum?) I know that because every commitment I have ever made has changed me as a person for the better. Not just an aspect of my life. Made me a better person overall. 

So I am going to have a new salad this week! I’m going to make a shaved cucumbers and scallions with a homemade Asian sesame dressing! 

I can be obsessed with a particular food or dish for years. There is a part of my dinner that I eat basically every night (except for potentially a night or two a year that is not logistically possible) and have for almost two decades. For the past long time I have been eating cherry and grape tomatoes dipped in Dijon mustard with sweetener. And there are moments of time I can remember based on my food obsessions within my eating boundaries. The summer of turnip French fries. The years of homemade carrot cake. Frozen coffee custard! Little ramekins of fresh custard baked in a Bain Marie with sugar free coffee flavors. And I have no desire to stop obsessing over these food joys. And I don’t care. And nobody cares. It’s my food. I eat what I love.

Plus I have learned that I don’t love my drug foods. That after a moment of numb, they really just made me more unhappy. 

But I do truly love food. And eating. And the tomatoes here are mediocre. So I think that that change in my every day routine will be a nice step toward something new in my life.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. So I am going to start with my salad, but just as a way to tell the Universe I am ready for something bigger and I am paying attention.

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20 Oct 2024

The Gold is in the Practice not the Product

I very much live my life by routine. Certain things happen at certain times of the day. But because of that, when things are out of routine, I can forget the most basic things. So I have alarms set. Multiple alarms for multiple reminders. And AGAIN today, for the second time this month, my alarm went off asking if I had written a blog for the week, and I had completely forgotten.

Tomorrow is the first of two, count them (2), 10 hour drives to move to a new city for 6 months to a year. I have plenty of audiobooks cued up. This is definitely not my first rodeo. I was in the process of making and packing my meals for the next few days when that alarm went off. I am grateful it did. But annoyed too. One more thing on my list.

I am often so good at going with the flow that I don’t necessarily see how stressed I am until a hiccup. And then I have to have my moment of freaking out before I can move on.

So much about what has made my life so much better after I got my eating under control was my ability to shift. To gain a different perspective. To move through a paralyzing feeling onto a different feeling that didn’t hamper my abilities. To be able to think through my feelings and put them in their proper place, as teachers, and sign posts. “This is your authentic self, Kate, and that is not.” And to DO what there is to do, no matter how I FEEL about it.

And I can only do that because I am not eating my feelings. I am living with them. And taking actions without the cloud of sugar fog. 

Actions like stopping what I am doing to fulfill one of my commitments, and the clarity of knowing that the true gold is in the practice and the consistency, not the product.

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29 Sep 2024

A little lesson

Today was a day of several minor annoyances, featuring the ATM at my bank being out of service, a slow and mildly frustrating grocery experience (complete with dropping 1 of my reusable grocery bags in the wet parking lot) and totally forgetting I had to write a blog today until I was in the store and my “did you write a blog?” alarm went off. 

But I was not that bothered. Which is so nice. Such a relief.

What was I going to do about it? Nothing. So I got to not be mad about it. 

It’s honestly a blessing to not have to be upset all the time. 

To be responsible for my food, for my eating, for the ingredients and the cooking/preparation, was such a practical lesson in how being responsible meant I could get a say in the outcome. That I could prepare and set it up to go the way I wanted. Almost all the time. Almost. 

And that was the other lesson. Circumstances happen. Not every time. But sometimes, for everyone. 

With food, that’s when I call a friend who does what I do and get help in the moment. Or in life, I take the time and go out of my way and go to another ATM without having to feel like it was a personal attack. Or wait it out in the checkout line with a smile and good attitude for the very nice people who work at my grocery store. 

Before I had my eating under control, I was very interested in the Zen Buddhist idea that there was no “should have” or “would have” or “could have.” That there is only ever one way a moment could have gone and that is the way it went. That if there were any other way for it to go, it would have gone that way. 

I was desperate to understand this at the time. But I know now it was impossible for me to accept this idea before I got my eating under control. Because I was positive that everything was supposed to be a different way for me. I hated my life! Surely there was another me somewhere that got all of the wonderful things I deserved!!!!

But when I got my eating under control I understood that every moment was right for me. That I just had never been learning the lessons. I had been trying to learn how to get life to bend to my will. Instead of learning to see what life was offering. Today’s offering, peace is already inside me. 

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08 Sep 2024

To get some reciprocity

One of the things that I have learned (am learning?) from my husband in our 11+ years together is how to let a negative emotion go. How to move on from the feeling and choose a different feeling. That even if the situation is unchanged, I can just let the emotion go. 

Sometimes that takes more work than others. Sometimes a situation is so loaded with old feelings that it takes longer and it takes more. But because of *his* ability to move on, I have cultivated an ability to move on. 

Earlier this week, a friend reached out to me. Actually, *that* friend that I wrote about a few weeks ago. The one who ghosted me and I was super sad.

And she apologized for how she handled our situation. She acknowledged her part in it. She let me acknowledge my part in hurting her and apologize. We are moving forward together to repair our friendship. We have a date later this month! I’m happy. I’m relieved.

Having my eating under control is the PhD of relationships, and this is the work. Difficult conversations. Vulnerability. Trying again. Working things out.

But in my life I have lost many relationships because of situations and boundaries. And many times people have tried to come back into my life without doing the relationship work. Without acknowledging their part in our breakup. Without making a commitment to move forward differently. Often without even the words of apology. And I’m not available for more of the same bad relationship.

But coming to me authentically, even with grievances and frustrations, is what I need in my relationships. And this is what I am offering in return. So it was a special blessing to not only have her reach out but to do it with integrity.

But back to my husband teaching me to let go of my difficult feelings. There was a time in my life when I would have held a grudge over what happened with my friend. It would not have mattered that she came to me in a way that honored our friendship. I would not have been open. I would have immediately shut down from being hurt, and I would not be able to let it go. 

When I am eating compulsively, my emotions are uncontrollable and end up making decisions. When my eating is under control I can use my emotions as the tools that they are. 

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