onceafatgirl

Peace is better than chocolate

Archive for the tag “integrity”

14 Jul 2024

The good and bad news is you never get the same Kate

Becoming a different person is hard. Even though I have done it many times before.

A thing happened this week where we had a family issue that required a delicate conversation with a family member and it was complicated. Or…we thought it was going to be complicated. And it was not. 

But nobody involved knew that. And the lead up to the solution (which was so graceful and easy it was kind of hilarious) was highly dramatic. Apparently, though, all and only in our own minds.

But here’s the thing. We created drama. And it needed somewhere to go. Some sort of outlet. And it did. And I ended up in an argument with one person and we are still in that argument. 

My best friend reminds me of something all the time. She had a therapist who said that people sometimes get involved in “a game of kick me” (figuratively) and the game doesn’t end until SOMEONE gets figuratively “kicked.” You can kick them. They can kick you. Or either one of you can kick yourselves. But the game won’t end until one of those things happens. 

That is what this feels like. It feels like a whole bunch of people decided that someone needed to get kicked and I, personally, absorbed all of that drama so the rest of them didn’t have to. Calling us back to honesty and integrity over pity and fear. Recalling us to the fact that we did not know what would happen and that our emotional projections were unhelpful. 

And now that very high drama needs an outlet and apparently I and this other person are the people who get to get kicked. Or get to kick each other. Or ourselves. And I don’t even know how to dissipate it. Except maybe to kick or be kicked. And both of those sound like really shitty options to me.

I am constantly trying to grow. I am consistently working on being my most authentic self. With the firm and lasting belief that *that* is my very best self. I am always working to peel back the layers of inauthentic protection that I have put up around me. And that means not being the person I was yesterday. And that means the people around me getting a new person all the time. 

I guess that is the good news, but also the bad news.

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07 Jul 2024

You *can* fight Life, but can you win?

I was literally just writing this blog about how I am packing up to go to the Airbnb house we are renting for a job my husband has about 2.5-3 hours away, when we had tree roots come up from our tub drain, and water come out from under our toilet. 

So as of about 20 minutes ago, I am not going back to the Airbnb with my husband. At least not for a day or two. I am staying here to meet the plumber so we can take care of the issue. 

This turn-on-a-dime kind of thing used to be brutal on me. I was so attached to the way things were set up in my head that any kind of change, especially one that is so loaded and last minute and expensive, could ruin not just the moment but the whole day, and even week. 

Getting my eating under control meant I could be present in the moment. That I could think. That I could stop, regroup, let go of the old plan and move on to a new one that worked. 

How? I don’t know. Seriously. I just know that when I don’t drug myself with sugar and carbohydrates, I don’t get stuck so easily.

I’m not even depressed. The thing is, there is nothing making this awful. Only a little sad and annoying that I have to be separated from my husband again. We have the money. I have the time. This is a fixable problem. Nobody is hurt! It’s just annoying. What we call a “broken shoelace.”

There is a joke that I love. When the average person realizes they have a flat tire, they call AAA. When an addict realizes they have a flat tire they call a suicide hotline. 

Broken shoelaces ruined my life when I let them. Today, I have so much gratitude for all of the blessings, tools, and grace that I have to let Life be Life. And love it all anyway. (Even when I don’t like it.)

It’s always Life on Life’s terms, whether you fight it or not.

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30 Jun 2024

I’m good at string

This week I got my first ever bout of covid. Four years is really not a bad run, I think. And it was not fun but it was a mild case. The most noticeable thing about it for me was my inability to think. 

But I also got a lesson in the positive aspects of not being able to think. Because I went on line, found a tutorial on embroidery flowers, and just…did it?

There are some things I need to note. Because I crochet dolls, I already had a crapload of embroidery floss for giving dolls faces and making small pieces and accessories. And I had recently bought an embroidery hoop to mend some pants. So I did indeed already have the basic stuff. And I did not have to make the point of acquiring supplies. 

But I do not just do things. I think them. And then rethink them. I wonder if and how. I deconstruct and rebuild in my mind. I step back and look at it from all the angles. I make contingency plans. And contingency plans for my contingency plans.

And then I act. Slowly.

But I didn’t have the bandwidth this week. So I just picked up an old pair of pants that had been in a donation pile and started going through the tutorial flower by flower. 

It’s no surprise to me that I was immediately good at it. I’m good at string. What was surprising was that I was just as good without overthinking.

What was surprising and kind of scary was recognizing how much time I waste on overplanning. 

This is not to say that the planning and the thinking are all bad. When I was in the food I was absolutely a “jump in and hope you don’t drown” kind of person. And what happened then was usually that someone who was not me had to save me. Usually my mother. So rest assured I don’t mean that.

But perhaps I don’t need a 17 step ritual dance to start a baby blanket.

I think a lot about time. Because I want things. And because I am a practical person. And once I understood that I had to manage my time to fit my priorities into my life, I started to respect both time and priorities on a higher level. So this feels important. To me. To my life. To my art. I want to use that time. It’s mine. (I only want what’s coming to me. I only want my fair share.) So now comes the work of change. (Again. Still.)

And also, I have a new set of skills with string. So there’s that.

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23 Jun 2024
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Am I being…sane about this????

My dad’s mom was the love of my life before my husband. She got sick when I was 33. And in the few months that she was in the hospital before she died, in my mourning, my body got small. 

I don’t mean I did anything to make it small. It was not like I was so sad I didn’t eat. I was already in my food program and had my eating under control. But that didn’t mean eating “up to” a certain amount, it meant eating an exact amount. Whether I wanted to or not. And I often did not. But I ate it. I choked every meal down for months. And still by the time she died, I was by far the very tiniest  had ever been.

The person who helped me deal with my eating boundaries was worried how small I was getting and how quickly, and made me eat another piece of fruit every day. And still I was over 5’6” and in a U.S. size small (4/6.) 

A few years later on my 35th birthday, 12 years ago this month in fact, I quit smoking and I gained weight. So much weight. Not only did my new extra fruit get taken away but my vegetable portions were cut. I was eating quantifiably less and less nutrient dense foods, and still gaining weight. 

That kicked off my body dysmorphia in a whole new and exciting way! I had crazy nightmares about getting on the scale. I started to dread weigh day 28 days before it happened each month! I started to think about all of the ways I could diet and lose this weight. And since all of the normal ways were already not working, they were some crazy thoughts. Bulimic thoughts. 

And then I realized that at that moment I had absolutely zero control over my weight. Like none. And that was the beginning of my understanding the difference between hating my sugar addiction, and my internalized fat phobia and fat hatred, and separating them for and from myself. 

And so from that time on I made a point to think of my weight as “none of my business.” I have not been on a body scale in over a decade. I even just say no at the doctor’s office. And since nobody has had to give me medication by weight, it has never been an issue. I look in the mirror, I think I’m gorgeous. No matter what size. And though my weight fluctuated, I never ever got back to that skinny girl.

But here we are 12 years later and I am approaching, or maybe even am, a U.S. 4/6 again right now. And not because my body is eating itself in mourning this time either. I am not entirely sure why but I do know that I have changed the size and shape of my butt by building muscle and that I can now breathe when I work out, which are two really important aspects of my daily routine that directly coincide with the timing of my weight loss that I did not have when I was in my 30s.

But this is what I want to point out, to you and to me. This is the absolute SANEST I have ever been around my body and weight loss. This sanity is the result of years of curating my media/social media to see a full gamut of people and bodies. This is a result of actively changing my thought patterns around my body and other people’s bodies. Literally noticing a thought, stopping it, and redirecting my brain. This is the result of taking direct actions, having explicit conversations, making deliberate choices to consider bodies the sacred vessels they are, rather than the targets of judgement and ridicule. 

I’m not immune to the ingrained thoughts. I do still get a little zing of happy at “small” “skinny” “finally.” 

But I also know I don’t have to do anything about it. Don’t have to romance thinness as an ideal. Don’t have to feel proud of something that is a side effect of a certain other goal (the butt was on purpose, the weight loss was not.) Don’t have to do more or eat less or try this or that.

I just have to love my body the way it is. And I do. 

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16 Jun 2024

This one maybe has too many different metaphors?

I heard someone say this week that having a bigger life is not actually about adding, but about giving up. I immediately understood what she meant. Because I’m an addict. 

But it’s not just about drugging or not drugging myself with food. It’s about all of the ways I fail to be present. Not just fail to be. Avoid being present.

I have a lot of compassion for my childhood self. I think one thing I have learned in recovery is that we do the things because they work. They help. They protect us. Until they don’t. They hurt. They kill us instead. 

But food was my friend for a long time. Smoking was my friend for a long time. 15 cups of coffee a day were my friends for a long time.

But there is so much more. Resentful people pleasing and martyrdom were my friends. Suffering. Perfectionism. Overthinking. 

As I peel back the layers of my own inauthenticity, by intentionally seeking peace, by cultivating my own joy, by curating my time, I can see all of the ways that I have been choosing various different kinds of protections, much like the protection food was. 

There is a Zen Buddhist saying. Before Enlightenment, chop wood, carry water; After Enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. 

The goings on of my day are much the same. Laundry and dishes and cooking. Knitting and crocheting and audiobooks. 

But to be at peace, with both my actions and my inactions, to enjoy my moments for the moments themselves, to become freer and less encumbered by the expectations and the “truths and understandings” of others every day, is making me happy. Content. Pleased. 

Present

I *want* to be present. I want to be here. Wherever here is. Right here at this moment. I’m starting to recognize that it’s the only place magic lives.

But here comes the annoying part. This actual shucking of inauthenticity takes time. So much time. So much work. So much growth. So much vulnerability…But mostly it’s the time. It’s hard to remember that this new era of my life right here took 18 years of work just to arrive at, and I just now feel like I am scratching the surface of the goldmine. 

What do I know about gold mining? Maybe I am about to strike it rich.

I guess if you need me I will be over here peeling off my layers of protection…

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19 May 2024

Living the loose life

I had a super exciting Friday night this week. A family friend was in town running sound for a touring band and I got to see him and their amazing show. And I got to meet an internet friend for the first time! And it was all magical!

One of my favorite sayings is “how you do anything is how you do everything.” And in getting my eating under control I ended up changing basically everything about my life. 

I never wanted to do anything in preparation for anything when I was growing up as a sugar addict and compulsive eater. And as a really talented and intelligent addict, that was an easy lifestyle to execute but a difficult one to bear. It meant never preparing for anything and then having to constantly worry and overthink and perform spectacularly in the moment. I always wanted to “fly by the seat of my pants” but I don’t think I understood the toll it was taking on my peace and joy. All because preparation felt like work and work felt hard.

In order to get my eating under control, I had to start planning and preparing in advance to have what I needed to eat. I was told that I should be the most important person in my own life and that if I cared about getting sober from sugar and not eating compulsively, I was going to have to make sure that my food was taken care of. And that *I* very specifically needed to do it. 

I must weigh my portions myself. It’s part of my spiritual relationship with food and my ability to be totally honest and responsible for everything that goes into my mouth. I need to read ingredients. I need to ask how things are cooked at restaurants. I need to refuse to eat things that are not on my approved menu. Even if it’s something made just for me. Even with love. 

So now, I find that my life is so much the opposite. I plan and prepare all the things so I can relax in the moment.

Friday before I left I made sure everything was taken care of: My home, my husband, my food for the weekend, my dinner for the night, my tickets, my Ubers, my friends’ needs, my schedule, ALL THE THINGS! And that made me feel great about myself. That made me feel calm about my night. That made me feel like now all I had to do was go with the flow. And then I just got to be in the moment. I didn’t have to worry or overthink. I got to enjoy the moment and the music, my new friend and my old one.

Growing up my eating was addictive and out of control and it forced me to use ridiculous amounts of energy to try to keep myself together and show up for the most basic life tasks. I had to keep myself so tight and reined in, because of how loose my eating was. Now I keep my food tight so I can live my life loose instead. 

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12 May 2024

Ready for a nice time on a nice day

In 45 minutes, I need to be out the door for Mother’s Day. We have to pick up the beef sandwich set ups and the appetizer tray, and the chicken tenders. And my brother-in-law is bringing the sodas and the snacks and dessert. 

And none of it is for me. I have a lunch packed. I will bring my diet soft drinks because I’m the only one who drinks them. I even bring my own silverware and a mini spatula so I don’t lick my plate or bowl in front of everyone. Because I would. And in a pinch I still will. Hence the bringing of the spatula. 

I leave nothing about my food to chance. And I love that for me. I know I can count on myself to do my best and care. 

I don’t miss Chicago Italian beef sandwiches, though they have been off the list for over 18 years. Are they spectacular? Of course. Are they worth picking up the drug that makes me hate myself? Absolutely not. 

A lot of people say just have one. As if it were an obvious answer. 

If I could just have one, my friend, I would not do this. Why would I choose all this work if I were capable of moderation?

I am happy to provide fun party foods to others. I am happy to go to a family event with people who have never known me any way but bringing my own food to every event. It’s a nice day and I’m ready to have a nice time. 

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05 May 2024
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I want to be myself more

I don’t love change. But I love having changed. I love having grown. And though I have never had a baby, when they say childbirth is the kind of pain you forget, I feel like that is what changing is like. Because I forget how bad it sucks when I am deep in the process and haven’t quite figured out how to be the thing that I am not yet, even though it is *right there*! 

When I quit sugar and got a handle on my compulsive eating, there were simple, if not easy rules. There is a list of foods I eat. I eat portion controlled meals of them 3 times a day. I choose whatever I want within the boundaries. I don’t eat anything else. Did it take something to not eat cake in the beginning? Of course it did. But there was no mystery to if I had done it. Did I follow the rules? Then I had done it.

When I quit smoking, one of the hardest things was the ways I had built it into my day and my life. The first cigarette of the day with a cup of coffee on my roof. The cigarette upon coming out of the subway onto the street. Where to stand to not be in the way. The cigarette after a meal. The last one before bed. But at least all of those things, I could see! I could tack them up on a calendar if I wanted and come up with new strategies to combat them if I needed. 

But just changing, growing, choosing to be a more authentic version of myself, and then doing it again, and again, there is no calendar and no map. It’s just me trying to change the air I breathe and the water I’m swimming in. 

It hurts. It sucks. It puts a strain on so many parts of my life that have depended on me being the way I was. The point is, I do have these inauthenticities built into my day like a cigarette. But I can’t put them on a calendar. I can’t pinpoint them on a map. I don’t even know where they are until I bump up against them. Or sometimes ram into them head first. 

But ultimately I want to be myself more than I want to be comfortable. No. I want to be myself more than I want to be anything else in the world.

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28 Apr 2024

…Grow up, Kate

What does it mean to trust the process? I guess the further I get from my own past experiences, the less I know what that even means. And right now that is frustrating and annoying. (Terrifying. It’s terrifying.) 

This week:

Someone asked if I might be interested in applying for a part time office job they know of, and I asked for more information. I am interested in making money. I am also interested in making money from my creative brain. I am trusting that the right things are coming my way.

I have an almost-done crochet project for someone that has been sitting in its project bag for over a week without me touching it. But I don’t want to do it. And I don’t know why. But I am not. And that feels right. So why do I feel like not doing is automatically wrong?

Among a whole list of other basic health related big girl accomplishments, I went to the doctor and actually let them draw blood for the first time in 20 years. And the phlebotomist was so generous, listening to me, going along with my needs, not being condescending or impatient with me. And then she was also just spectacular at her job. I didn’t cry, and that made me want to cry in a different way. Shout out to Lisa! But that was a huge hurdle for decades and I just made it over it? Okay…

All of these feel like big things. But I don’t know what they mean. 

I already know how to move forward from a lesson I have failed to learn. I know how to catch up. I know how to both move up and move on.

But I feel like these are new lessons. A whole new curriculum. New frontiers and all that jazz. Emotionally, personally, in my connections and my accomplishments. And I feel like I don’t know protocol. I don’t know what “letting go” looks like.

In the serenity prayer, there is the serenity to accept the things I can’t change and the courage to change the things I can. And also the wisdom to know the difference. But wisdom comes from experience. And I don’t have that. Which I suppose means it’s coming. And probably fast.

And maybe what it comes down to is that I don’t want to fail. Not even once. And well…grow up, Kate. 

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21 Apr 2024

Another make coming

I have been thinking a lot about the addiction part of my life lately. (Not that I am ever not thinking about it on some level.) About the part of me that always wants more. That wants to be filled up. Sated. And never quite is.

People who keep the same eating and food boundaries that I do have a handful of slogans. And one is There Is Another Meal Coming. Because that is what addiction feels like. Dearth. Void. Scarcity and Deprivation. 

And even though I used to cringe at the cheesy nature of having slogans, that one, and many others, got me through. Reminded me that there was ALWAYS another meal coming. I was guaranteed three meals a day. I am guaranteed! I get to eat things I love. And none of them are drug foods.

But since I have been actively trying to create a year of joyful, peaceful, purposeful creation, I have noticed that I still live my creative life like there is not, in fact, another meal (project, idea, time to make) coming. I am thinking like an addict about making. Frenzied, overwhelmed, excited but in a way that leads to disappointment. Half finished, lost steam, too many ideas, not enough time.

In all seriousness, I feel like it’s a miracle I make and design and create as much as I do for as much chaos as I court around it in my head. 

So my goal moving forward is to remember that there is another make coming. 

I already know that this lesson comes with some practical considerations, like time and logistics, but there is something to Fake It ‘Til You Make It, and for now it feels good to trust that stuff will get made. And maybe in the end, with a little more room in my head for something bigger.

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