onceafatgirl

Peace is better than chocolate

Archive for the tag “personal choices”

05 Nov 2023

Kate, what game are you playing?

I have a complicated relationship with “all or nothing” thinking. For one thing, I have an all or nothing relationship with simple sugars and carbohydrates, and that is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. 

But that relationship, for all of its black and white, (no you can’t eat that, yes you can eat this and this is how much) also taught me boundaries, doing the bare minimum, and “working the system.” Which are things other people like to look at as lazy or cheat-y.

I remember someone years ago asking me why I was going all the way across town to get apples. And I explained that I could have 1 apple for breakfast, and whatever market had apples that weighed more than a pound. This man who barely knew me told me that was “cheating.” Because I was obviously supposed to be on a diet if I had that many rules around food.

He thought I was cheating because he didn’t know the game I was playing. I was playing “make the food you eat so delicious and satisfying that you can withstand the appeal of chocolate cake.” That’s not the kind of game people understand. I don’t need them to. I am satisfied in my food life.

This week I decided to join NaNiWriMo (short for National Novel Writing Month.) It is a thing lots of writers and authors do. The idea is to write 50,000 words of a novel in the 30 days of November, with a daily goal of 1,667 words. 

Well I woke up Wednesday and decided I was going to try to write a romance novel that has been rattling around in my head for a year-ish. I signed up and wrote over my 1667 word goal. But the next day I had a bunch of things to do. And I only got 900 words in before it was bedtime. And Friday was cleaning for company and then company. Saturday was weekly errands and husband time. So two days in a row that I did not write my novel. And here it is Sunday and I am writing this blog. Because I always write a blog on Sunday. Because it is truly a priority in my life.

But will I write my novel?

And what if I don’t?

And what if I just do it when I have time?

Will I fail at life?

My first reaction is to quit. Not because I want to, but because I have already shown that I am not taking this seriously. I’m not willing to do the work. I don’t have what it takes. That I am not good enough for my inner Good Girl.

My Good Girl and her needs – to do it right, to be perfect, to show you *how good* she is, how smart, how disciplined, how well she pays attention and follow directions – are making this NaNoWriMo experience a whole lesson. As far as she is concerned, we have already failed! FAILED!!!

But I did not choose to try it for my Good Girl. I did it because I don’t know what comes next in my life and I just want to put a whole bunch of the best of myself and what I love into Life, and see what Life offers back.

So I guess I have to ask myself “what game do I want to be playing with NaNoWriMo and this novel?”

Posted in Inspiration, Life, Personal Growth, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
29 Oct 2023

Gross sack of meat grace

When I was fat, I used to relate to my body as if it were not really me. Like it was the loaner car the dealer gave me while my real one was in the shop. In my mind I was my mind. I was my thoughts and feelings and words. I loved being my words! But I hated my body and I didn’t like to think about it. I tried to both disassociate, and dissociate myself from it.

But when I got my eating under control, I could not do that anymore. I could not get numb enough without my drug foods to not experience my body. It was right there. And it was yelling at me that it was me and I was it. So I had to change the way I dealt with it, thought about it, talked about it, talked *to* it, treated it.

When I was in my early thirties, I danced with a modern company in Brooklyn. And one day one of my fellow dancers, also 30ish at the time sighed and lamented “remember when you were 16 and your body was perfect and the world was yours?” And I laughed because no. At 16 I was worried about who was climbing the stairs behind me and how big they thought my ass was. (And not in a good way, like now.)

But one advantage I think I got from having my story be my story, is that I know how to deal with a changing body with grace. And I have the lived experience of getting better, not worse, with age. I am not talking about my weight. Since I put boundaries around my eating, I have been chubby and I have been skinny, but I have still consistently been getting fitter, stronger, and more physically attractive (at least to myself!)

I feel (I probably really am) stronger at 46 than even at 30, dancing on stage and throwing around and catching the smaller girls. I think I get better with age because I am constantly learning to be more myself. To settle further down into my most authentic self, and settle ever more comfortably into this fascinating machine/gross sack of meat.

Posted in Body image, Inspiration, Life, Personal Growth and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
22 Oct 2023

Daily amends to this spectacular body

There is a concept I learned years ago that has changed the way I see the world and people. That when we, as individuals, do wrong by someone, we have one of two options: 1) we can acknowledge it and make amends, or 2) we can refuse to see our part in it, but then we *must* make the other person the bad guy in order to justify our wrongdoing.

I did this to my body for most of my young life. And what it meant was that I started to believe that my body was wrong, broken, evil. I hated it for being fat. I hated it for being ugly. I hated it for letting everyone see my “problems” instead of them being invisible like other addictions. My addiction was written all over my body and it was (and for the most part still is) totally acceptable to judge me for it and let me know that the mere existence of my body was unpalatable.

I often think that if I had not gotten down to a socially acceptable size through crazy and unsustainable eating and exercising practices, and then unsuccessfully tried my hand (and toothbrush) at bulimia, I would have probably just been fat, and angry at life, the universe, and everything about it for the rest of my days.

Bulimia really lit a fire under my ass. I couldn’t look at myself and think I didn’t have a problem anymore. But I didn’t care about anything but not being fat.

Even getting my eating under control started as a punishment. Since throwing up was clearly “after school special level” messed up, I decided I was going to starve my body into thinness.

That was what I planned/expected when I put boundaries around my eating.

Except I don’t starve on my food plan. I eat so much food. Vast amounts of whole foods. And I learned early how to work the system. One apple could be, and is whenever possible, a 1+ pound apple. (This morning’s apple was 14 ounces.) I had an 11 pound honeydew this week that yielded over a pound and a half of melon every morning for breakfast for 4 days. On top of 4 ounces of bacon and eggs and whole milk in my coffee.

I treat my body with loving kindness now. From the way I eat to the way I work out to the amount of sleep I get. I don’t judge my body or my beauty or my health by the size of my pants. It’s a living amends to myself, and this amazing body that has gotten stronger, healthier, and more comfortable as I have aged. And ever more beautiful, not because of thinness, but because of genuine care. Perhaps this is what they mean by growing old gracefully?

Posted in beauty, Body image, Inspiration, Life, Personal Growth, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
15 Oct 2023

You can take the fat out of the girl (but the damage was probably already done)

I was talking about this blog to some friends who do what I do with food. Many of them don’t read it, or didn’t know I wrote it. So I was telling them the name. But it was hard to hear or understand on the zoom call. So I said “It’s Once A Fat Girl, as in ‘once a fat girl, always a fat girl.’” And this bunch of women who have had their eating under control for years, some for 25 to 30 years, all nodded sagely.

My relationship to food and my body is the defining characteristic of my life, and the filter I see absolutely everything through. Even now, well over 17 years of having boundaries around my eating.

I come from a big (number of people), fat family. And because of that, I can see that even when I was not actually fat (yet), fatness was projected on me.

And then I really was fat.

You might think that being fat in a fat family would mean the family could see the beauty in fatness. But that was not the case. The “pretty” girls were the few thin ones. (Ok, but in retrospect, I was a stunner!)

Also, I was fat in the 80s and 90s when fewer people were fat. I was one of 2 or 3 fat girls in the schools I went to. 

Existing in a fat body took up at least a third of my brain space at all times. And if I was in a “danger zone” of humiliation, (a group of attractive people near by, a group of mean boys or girls, a wardrobe malfunction, an event where eating was expected, sharing seats when your butt hangs over your allotment) it was taking up way more space than that. And it was all terrifying, terrorizing, and exhausting. 

I was once in a conversation on social media where fat people and people with the experience of being fat talked about the fat shaming moments in movies and TV shows we saw growing up that still haunted us. And we all had them. So many of us had the same ones. The casual cruelty towards fat people is ongoing. (Fat Thor, anyone?)

I am grateful for the totality of my experiences. If I had not gotten my eating under control, I never could have begun to separate the fat hatred that I internalized from the real and debilitating addiction to drug foods that I needed to deal with. I was so desperate not to be fat I was willing to give up sugar entirely. And that turned out to be the greatest thing that ever happened to me. But why did I have to be desperate to just get a modicum of respect?

Having my drug foods down and having a clear head let me really wrap my mind around how I did not deserve the fat hatred I had been receiving every day all the time. And it let me see how I was also contributing to it, by hating myself. By blaming myself for not being able to stop eating. By showing the people who shamed me that I was properly ashamed. 

The longer I have my drug foods down, the more authentically me I become. And the more me I am, the more capacity I have to see all of the ways I unfairly judged myself, and the better I can love the people in my life exactly where and who and how they are.

Posted in beauty, Body image, Inspiration, Life, Personal Growth, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
08 Oct 2023

No intuition. Just a routine and some friends.

I love my routine. But on Friday I got food poisoning for seemingly the first time ever. (I literally just said something about never having had it a month ago. And clearly forgot to knock wood.) So normally Saturday is the day I grocery shop, but I was resting yesterday. So now I have to go today, along with all of my other Sunday errands. And I don’t wanna!!!! 

Last night I went to bed without cleaning the kitchen, knowing this morning I would have to wash some dishes before I could eat breakfast. Ugh. And it meant I didn’t have enough fresh milk for my breakfast coffee so I had to use part of my portion from a box of milk I keep on hand. And it meant I didn’t have any grape tomatoes (my favorite dinner salad) so I had to have an orange pepper instead. That turned out great though because the pepper was perfect and sweet. 

But for as much as I hate a break in routine, and I really really hate it, I have learned from getting my eating under control that I need to take care of myself first.

For the most part, my routine is self care. It’s how I make sure I do all of the things I do for my mental, physical and emotional wellbeing. It’s how I make sure I get my workout and my water and my sleep and my meals and my meds and my errands taken care of.

But I am very bad at knowing what is good for me. I am very bad at listening to my body. Because it *always* wants to eat. And it *never* wants to workout or drink water or sleep. So I do the self care I do by routine. But that means I sometimes have to listen to other people when they tell me to take it easy.

And just like there is someone in my life who mentors me with my eating boundaries, I am the mentor of other people. And one came to me last week and said she was not feeling well, but she hoped her body would “snap back” the next day. And I could hear for her what I cannot hear for myself. That “snap back” was a judgement of the worth of her body based on its usefulness.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I felt compelled to tell a mentee that her body deserves gentle treatment and attention, and then, with loving urging from another friend, I was forced to take my own advice days later. 

But I did. And I am grateful. And once I get back from the store today, I can get back to rotting on my couch with a cozy fall audiobook, and some knitting.

Posted in Inspiration, Life, Personal Growth and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
24 Sep 2023

They’re all still just me

The weather turned cooler this past week, and I didn’t have any cool weather pants that fit me so I went out and got some jeans and pants. And I am down another size to a U.S. size 8. This is the smallest I have been in the last 10 years. 

I have spent the past 10 years actively separating my self-worth from the size and weight of my body. Mostly because I was forced to. Because I had already given up man-made sugars, grains and starches, and my eating didn’t seem to have any great impact on my size. Eating grilled chicken on big salads didn’t make me any skinnier than fried onions and bacon. So I ate the bacon, obviously. 

And it was an amazing lesson in my own beauty, my own personal value of myself, and the way I could change my world just by loving my body exactly as it is. I had my sugar addiction arrested, and I could trust that the body I had was the right body for me. The size was incidental.

But now I’m in a more socially acceptable body, and it’s hard not to think “better” or “good.” It’s hard not to think of it as a reward for something. Patience? Commitment? It’s hard not to think “finally!”

This, though, is when I get a glimpse of my own contrary and non-conformist tendencies. It’s like I also don’t want to be more conventionally attractive because I worked so hard on loving my bigger body. And it worked! I did. And I was proud of and inspired by my size 14 gorgeousness. I was beautiful and sexy and happy.

But isn’t loving my body unconditionally also loving it when everyone else “likes it better” too? Of course it is.

I guess what it comes down to is that I am a little resentful of the way we treat bodies in our society. As if they are an out of fashion hand bag and the one carrying it should do better, as opposed to the holy vessel of another spiritual being. My size 14 body was still a channel for all of the experiences of life. Joy and pleasure and pain and sorrow. And a size 8 body is too. And both and everything in between, are all still me. Just like that 300 pound 19 year old girl was me too.

Posted in Body image, Inspiration, Life, Personal Growth and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
17 Sep 2023

Am I the drama???

Last Sunday I went out to dinner with my dad and stepmom. And I had a difficult time getting what I needed. Definitely not the worst experience I have had by a long shot, but annoying and frustrating.

I had a waiter who kept saying “but…” every time I asked for something out of the ordinary. When I asked for my burger to be “just the meat on the plate” he tried to explain to me how the burger comes. I said that it was fine, but I only wanted the meat on the plate. Then I asked for a big plain salad. He explained to me that the burger comes with a little side salad. I told him it was not enough and I needed a whole big salad on the side. He never did get it for me. And rather than ask for it again, I just reached into my purse and pulled out a bag of cherry tomatoes I had brought for just such a situation, and put them on my plate right in front of the staff. He also didn’t put in my order of 3 orders of sautéed spinach, so I had to wait until everyone else was half way through the meal to even start. I also asked for a big extra plate and he stared at me and told me the burger would come on a plate. But I weigh my food. Even at restaurants. So I need a plate to put on the scale, weigh my meal, and then I send the rest of the plates back. But I don’t think I should have had to explain that to this guy. I just needed him to follow directions. I feel like I must have been glaring at him. But frankly I don’t care. I definitely snapped at him once. Thankfully my husband stepped in at every moment I needed him to, to get the waiter to just do what I needed.

I don’t like to eat out because of things like this. Frankly, most of the time, waiters are great, and follow my directions perfectly, and the food is delicious. We are good tippers even when the service is bad. Even this guy got over 30% and I was annoyed at him the whole time. 

But even when it’s good and easy, the possibility of trouble is stressful. Plus, I had this experience at a place I have eaten at many times before AND I called ahead this particular time anyway to make sure I could get what I needed. Even after all my due diligence, the experience was lacking. Though the food was absolutely amazing.

Even after 17+ years, there are times and moments when I have to deal with stumbling blocks to keep my eating boundaries. The good news is that after 17+ years, nobody is thinking I could or should or would just let it go. Just accept what I was given and make nice. I don’t make nice around food. It’s life or death for me. And if you think I’m being overly dramatic, you are clearly not an addict. Addiction is dramatic. And so is recovery.

Posted in Inspiration, Life, Personal Growth, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
03 Sep 2023

No time to need to know

I can’t find my car keys. I have *a* set of keys to my car, but not *my* set. 

I ran errands on Wednesday. I didn’t do anything Thursday that required leaving my house. And then on Friday, the plumbers called to say that they were on their way to dig up and replace my pipes, so I needed to move my car. But I couldn’t find my keys.

After a very long time looking, I finally decided to just use the spare set to move my car. And then I used the spare set to run more errands.

But once I got home, I was back to looking for the keys. I would partially do some task, thinking about where my keys could be, and then stop what I was doing to go check some really ridiculous place. At one point on Friday, I was literally wearing one sock with my hair half braided because twice I felt compelled to stop getting ready for my workout to go look in my underwear drawer or my laundry hamper or under the bed.

I didn’t want to keep looking. I knew that it didn’t matter. I had the spare set. Surely the keys would turn up eventually. But I could only wonder if I put them in the fridge when I put the groceries away on Wednesday. Did I go upstairs to get yarn at some point? Did I leave the keys in my yarn closet?

My brain is obsessive. I already know that. And there was a time when I could, and sometimes did, lose whole days to looking for something I lost. But when I got my eating under control I *had to* eat my meals three times a day. That meant stopping what I was doing. It meant making and eating my portion-controlled, sugar-free meal, no matter what obsessive thoughts I might have. It meant getting the distinction of “priorities.”

When I got my eating under control, I was told I had to call someone every day and tell them what I was going to eat the next day. Over 17 years later, I still do that. Every single day. (Ok, occasionally I text or leave a voicemail. But still every day.) It taught me that there is power in telling another person my intentions. 

Finally I called my best friend and I told her “I need to tell someone that I am going to let this go because I am obsessed with needing to know what happened to them. And I don’t have time to need to know!!! I have to workout and eat lunch! I have shit to do!” 

My bestie said that it was clear that I was not done looking. (She was right.) And that that was ok. But that now was not the time. It was time to workout and eat lunch. (Right again!) Did I already know that? Yes! Could I get there on my own? No!

Days later and I still don’t know what happened to the keys. And I still take a moment occasionally to look in ridiculous places. (The box where we store the outdoor cushions? The countertop behind the microwave?) But the truth is, missing the set is barely even an inconvenience. And I expect the keys will turn up eventually. And even if they don’t, if it becomes a problem in the future, I will deal with it then. But I was probably on track to lose a whole day. When all I needed was a little help to reset my brain.

Posted in Inspiration, Life, Personal Growth, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
27 Aug 2023

Getting through. Grace optional.

It has been a broken shoelace kind of week. When I first got my eating under control 17+ years ago, people would talk about “broken shoelaces.” The little annoying things that happened that were not life altering, but were frustrating. And how they used to eat over this stuff. But in getting our eating under control, we learned to deal with our annoying problems, instead of eating them.

On Monday, my mini stepper broke. Right at the beginning of my workout the bolt holding the pulley in place just sheered right off. I am fine. And It was a cheap piece of equipment. So my husband told me to immediately order another one since he knows how much I love it. And then he said to get 2 so I have a backup in case this happens again. (They came that night! And they were on sale!) Then we can get me an expensive one that is better made for Christmas.

On Tuesday my niece came over before she went away to college. That was wonderful! But it also meant extra cooking and cleaning for me.

Then Wednesday, I was plunging my clogged drain and the drain basket pulled away from my kitchen sink and water started pouring into my under-sink cabinet. And when the plumber came, he found a forest of tree roots in my kitchen pipes. And another closer to my bathroom pipes. So now we are going to have to pull up part of our patio and have them dig out some clay pipe and replace it with more up-to-date materials so the roots can’t get in.

This has meant scheduling multiple days of my life and meals and workouts around getting things taken care of.

But I can. I have the mental capacity to do it because I am not high on sugar. I have the emotional capacity because I can take stock and take action instead of eating myself into a coma and sitting on the couch. I have the energy because my food is nourishing. And I have the spiritual capacity because I trust that Life is always giving me exactly what I need. (We are about to have new siding installed on our house. So maybe this is happening now so we don’t have to dig the pipes up in a year and destroy the siding.)

I don’t eat over stuff anymore. Or if I do, it’s during meal times. And it’s weighed out and sugar free. But for the most part I don’t have to. I can take what comes. I can get through it. Hopefully with grace. But let’s be honest. It’s the getting through that matters. Grace optional.

Posted in Inspiration, Life, Personal Growth and tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
13 Aug 2023

Up Next: More Authenticity

I keep thinking lately about what comes next in my life. What I want to create for myself. How to do that.

Getting my eating under control was the first step in becoming the most authentic version of myself I could be. It began with complete honesty around my food and my eating. But that branched out into complete honesty about other things. Things like what I wanted as opposed to what I thought I should want. Things that made me happy and peaceful as opposed to the things that made the other people around me happy and peaceful.

When Sinead O’Connor died last month someone posted an interview with her, where she said that people spent a lot of time telling her that when she ripped up a picture of the Pope on TV she ruined her career. But she said that that was not true. There were some record producers who thought her music was going to buy them their vacation homes. She ruined *their* careers.

I want to remember that for myself. I didn’t throw away a job in construction. I chose to leave a job that was killing me, and would have killed me if I had let it.

I am ready to be of service. I am ready to embark on the next phase of my life. I am ready to find a new purpose and a new chapter. But I also know now that it has to be something that aligns with my heart and soul. And sometimes that is just as simple as not allowing myself to be overworked and underpaid.

I will close by saying that since I got my eating under control, I always get better than I thought I wanted. So I don’t know what comes next but I am very clear that whatever it is, it will be in line with the life I want to live and my dreams for my future.

Posted in Inspiration, Life, Personal Growth and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Post Navigation

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →