onceafatgirl

Peace is better than chocolate

12 May 2024

Ready for a nice time on a nice day

In 45 minutes, I need to be out the door for Mother’s Day. We have to pick up the beef sandwich set ups and the appetizer tray, and the chicken tenders. And my brother-in-law is bringing the sodas and the snacks and dessert. 

And none of it is for me. I have a lunch packed. I will bring my diet soft drinks because I’m the only one who drinks them. I even bring my own silverware and a mini spatula so I don’t lick my plate or bowl in front of everyone. Because I would. And in a pinch I still will. Hence the bringing of the spatula. 

I leave nothing about my food to chance. And I love that for me. I know I can count on myself to do my best and care. 

I don’t miss Chicago Italian beef sandwiches, though they have been off the list for over 18 years. Are they spectacular? Of course. Are they worth picking up the drug that makes me hate myself? Absolutely not. 

A lot of people say just have one. As if it were an obvious answer. 

If I could just have one, my friend, I would not do this. Why would I choose all this work if I were capable of moderation?

I am happy to provide fun party foods to others. I am happy to go to a family event with people who have never known me any way but bringing my own food to every event. It’s a nice day and I’m ready to have a nice time. 

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05 May 2024
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I want to be myself more

I don’t love change. But I love having changed. I love having grown. And though I have never had a baby, when they say childbirth is the kind of pain you forget, I feel like that is what changing is like. Because I forget how bad it sucks when I am deep in the process and haven’t quite figured out how to be the thing that I am not yet, even though it is *right there*! 

When I quit sugar and got a handle on my compulsive eating, there were simple, if not easy rules. There is a list of foods I eat. I eat portion controlled meals of them 3 times a day. I choose whatever I want within the boundaries. I don’t eat anything else. Did it take something to not eat cake in the beginning? Of course it did. But there was no mystery to if I had done it. Did I follow the rules? Then I had done it.

When I quit smoking, one of the hardest things was the ways I had built it into my day and my life. The first cigarette of the day with a cup of coffee on my roof. The cigarette upon coming out of the subway onto the street. Where to stand to not be in the way. The cigarette after a meal. The last one before bed. But at least all of those things, I could see! I could tack them up on a calendar if I wanted and come up with new strategies to combat them if I needed. 

But just changing, growing, choosing to be a more authentic version of myself, and then doing it again, and again, there is no calendar and no map. It’s just me trying to change the air I breathe and the water I’m swimming in. 

It hurts. It sucks. It puts a strain on so many parts of my life that have depended on me being the way I was. The point is, I do have these inauthenticities built into my day like a cigarette. But I can’t put them on a calendar. I can’t pinpoint them on a map. I don’t even know where they are until I bump up against them. Or sometimes ram into them head first. 

But ultimately I want to be myself more than I want to be comfortable. No. I want to be myself more than I want to be anything else in the world.

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28 Apr 2024

…Grow up, Kate

What does it mean to trust the process? I guess the further I get from my own past experiences, the less I know what that even means. And right now that is frustrating and annoying. (Terrifying. It’s terrifying.) 

This week:

Someone asked if I might be interested in applying for a part time office job they know of, and I asked for more information. I am interested in making money. I am also interested in making money from my creative brain. I am trusting that the right things are coming my way.

I have an almost-done crochet project for someone that has been sitting in its project bag for over a week without me touching it. But I don’t want to do it. And I don’t know why. But I am not. And that feels right. So why do I feel like not doing is automatically wrong?

Among a whole list of other basic health related big girl accomplishments, I went to the doctor and actually let them draw blood for the first time in 20 years. And the phlebotomist was so generous, listening to me, going along with my needs, not being condescending or impatient with me. And then she was also just spectacular at her job. I didn’t cry, and that made me want to cry in a different way. Shout out to Lisa! But that was a huge hurdle for decades and I just made it over it? Okay…

All of these feel like big things. But I don’t know what they mean. 

I already know how to move forward from a lesson I have failed to learn. I know how to catch up. I know how to both move up and move on.

But I feel like these are new lessons. A whole new curriculum. New frontiers and all that jazz. Emotionally, personally, in my connections and my accomplishments. And I feel like I don’t know protocol. I don’t know what “letting go” looks like.

In the serenity prayer, there is the serenity to accept the things I can’t change and the courage to change the things I can. And also the wisdom to know the difference. But wisdom comes from experience. And I don’t have that. Which I suppose means it’s coming. And probably fast.

And maybe what it comes down to is that I don’t want to fail. Not even once. And well…grow up, Kate. 

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21 Apr 2024

Another make coming

I have been thinking a lot about the addiction part of my life lately. (Not that I am ever not thinking about it on some level.) About the part of me that always wants more. That wants to be filled up. Sated. And never quite is.

People who keep the same eating and food boundaries that I do have a handful of slogans. And one is There Is Another Meal Coming. Because that is what addiction feels like. Dearth. Void. Scarcity and Deprivation. 

And even though I used to cringe at the cheesy nature of having slogans, that one, and many others, got me through. Reminded me that there was ALWAYS another meal coming. I was guaranteed three meals a day. I am guaranteed! I get to eat things I love. And none of them are drug foods.

But since I have been actively trying to create a year of joyful, peaceful, purposeful creation, I have noticed that I still live my creative life like there is not, in fact, another meal (project, idea, time to make) coming. I am thinking like an addict about making. Frenzied, overwhelmed, excited but in a way that leads to disappointment. Half finished, lost steam, too many ideas, not enough time.

In all seriousness, I feel like it’s a miracle I make and design and create as much as I do for as much chaos as I court around it in my head. 

So my goal moving forward is to remember that there is another make coming. 

I already know that this lesson comes with some practical considerations, like time and logistics, but there is something to Fake It ‘Til You Make It, and for now it feels good to trust that stuff will get made. And maybe in the end, with a little more room in my head for something bigger.

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14 Apr 2024
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Sugar could never love me back.

I’m in Connecticut, it’s a travel day, and I am joyful and content and have had a spectacular trip.

Last year I realized I missed my historic girlfriends. The girls who are my people, even though they are all in different parts of the country and we all lead vastly different lives. So I made a point to start reaching out to them. Scheduling calls. Being the one to initiate the conversations. And generally taking responsibility for me having the friendships I want. 

So when one of those women on that list invited me to Connecticut for her 50th birthday, not only did I say yes, but I made a “quick” two day detour to NYC to see two other of those women. 

And it has been glorious!!!

The thing for me about only eating 3 times a day is all of the life in between. At this birthday party, there was so much food. But all I was going to eat was my sugar-free and portion controlled meals. And only at dinner time. And then there was nothing but time. Time to dance. Time to meet new people. Time to connect with old friends.

My NYC trip was also a whirlwind of connections with not just my old friends but their kids who are growing up fast, and grownups who were practically kids the last time I saw them. I got to love and be loved. I got to see how much the people I love love me back.

And the connections I can make when I am entirely focused on the person in front of me, and not the dessert table, are more filling and fulfilling than cupcakes. Even really good cupcakes.

Food used to be my best friend. Now my best friends are my best friends. I feel loved and wanted and cherished by the people whom I love and want and cherish. But I could not have that until I put down sugar. I couldn’t love anyone more than sugar when I was an addict. Even though I knew sugar never could love me back. 

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07 Apr 2024

Keepin’ it clean

This week I made all of my maintenance style doctor appointments. It’s a thing I hate that I literally avoided for over 20 years. But I have a philosophy that I learned when I got my eating under control. I quit the thing that is killing me quickest. 

First it was simple sugars and carbohydrates. Then cigarettes. And eventually it was my staunch refusal to go to a doctor. 

I’m 46. I will turn 47 in June. I am not young. And I am not stupid. I know people live longer because we have preventative measures as well as improved drugs and technology. So I put on my big girl panties and I scheduled my exams and check ups. 

But as a person who grew up fat, I want to say that the medical system traumatized me. And the only reason it does not continue to do so is that I have spectacular boundaries. And I put them in place vigorously and shamelessly. 

When I was single and dating, I remember having a date coming up, and I was eating my dinner in a coffee shop before hand and dropped some on the floor. I was not going to eat it. And frankly, it was so little that under different circumstances, I would not have thought about it. But I was going on a date. So I called someone who does what I do with food to “turn it over.” Just tell someone the truth about it because part of being an addict for me is being a liar about food. I told her that when it comes to dating, I want to be “clean.” I didn’t want anything to muddle my thinking. 

And I am so glad I did. Because the date was terrible. He was mean to me. When I told him that, he tried to make out with me. Which, obviously hell no! And then he got mad when I would not let him drive me home because he had been drinking. 

Now all of this might sound like an obvious progression of no on my part. But if it does, you have never been a woman out on a date who was trying to deescalate an uncomfortable situation. I almost let this drunk man drive me home because he was pressing me in an upsetting way. 

But I didn’t. I was clean. I knew my worth. I knew that I did not want what was on offer. And I knew that I had the right to say no however I needed to.

Well I am looking into finding some voice work and voice acting as a job soon. I love to act and do improv. I am naturally clever and I have enough experience to know that being quick is a muscle you can build. 

So this feels like that meal before that date. I want to be clean! I want to keep this vessel healthy. It is my instrument. And I want to signal to Life and the Universe that I am ready to take whatever comes. To take it seriously. To take it with grace and humor. And to make something out of it.

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31 Mar 2024

The Trust that comes with Peace

It occurred to me today that as the weather gets nicer, I am going to have more plans and engagements. And already I can feel myself panic little. About the future thought of future weekend commitments. Just in general.

Getting practical about time was just plain necessary when I got my eating under control. I had made a series of commitments to myself about my eating. But I had never had that kind of loyalty to myself before. And now, I had to have all of these things. The foods I needed in the quantities I needed them in.!A scale for weighing my food. The time to prepare it. The time to eat it and then wait at least 4 hours before the next meal. 

There was no grabbing something for now. There was no slice of pizza in a pinch. Every bite that went into my mouth was (still is) done with clarity and purpose. And that meant setting aside time to do the shopping, the prepping, the cooking, the portioning, the packing. And that made me get practical about time.

What I would like to get practical about now, is Trust. Trusting myself to get my priorities taken care of. Trusting the universe to provide a viable solution to my problems. Trusting that Life is right and giving me the best opportunity to be joyful and fulfilled.

A little story about  what I mean.  I am going to my friend’s birthday party in CT in a couple of weeks. But I didn’t buy my tickets because I had not heard back from people about places to stay and when to schedule my flight back home. So I didn’t do anything. Even though my husband was very anxious about it. 

If I had had to guess how it would have gone and just bought my plane tickets, I would have gotten it all wrong. I would have flown into the wrong city, I would have stayed a day longer than my host would have wanted. And then I would have had to deal with the consequences of those actions. Lots of work to do more work.

But instead I waited until it felt right to reach back out to people again. And all at once I got all of the information I needed to get everything done efficiently and perfectly and to everyone’s satisfaction. 

It felt amazing to just trust Life. It felt so good to let things be what they are without that need to bend them to my will. As if I could. As if that would give me anything better than what Life has planned for me. 

So in this year of joyful, peaceful, purposeful production, I am grateful for this opportunity to practice the trust that comes with Peace. (Remind me of how grateful I am when it gets real hard, please…)

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24 Mar 2024

The ability to choose my experience

I am writing this from a play place filled with screaming children. Because I write this blog every week no matter what.

Sometimes people will ask how a person decides to start running and then wakes up at 5 AM to run. And my answer is that I personally didn’t start out waking up early to run. I started by making the commitment to run. I ran when I could. I made the decision later that I would rather only take one shower. And that made it easier to wake up early to run.

When I got my eating under control I learned that if I was committed, there was always a way to keep my eating boundaries. Even if I failed to plan. Even if I screwed something up. Even if it was all my fault and I *should have done it better.* I could make a call. I could ask for help. I could not just say “fuck it” and give up.

So I am committed to writing a blog every week. Even when I have to take some kids to a birthday party unexpectedly.

One thing I am grateful for about choosing the theme of the year being joyful peaceful purposeful creation is that I didn’t freak out about writing this post today. I kept myself peaceful and calm. I knew it would get done because I know I am committed. I didn’t have to be unhappy and stressed. 

And the ability to choose my experience is a gift.

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17 Mar 2024

More brain space for all this *gestures vaguely*

Yet another week of too much to think about, too little to say.

I suppose in most contexts that would be a good thing. In blog writing, not so much.

What I have to say is that I am not thinking about how to get thinner. I am not thinking about how other people are looking at my body. I am not obsessing about food. I am not worrying about what I am going to eat next or when. Or how I am going to get it. Or who will see me eat it and what they will think about it.

And that has been true as long as I have had boundaries around my eating. My weight has fluctuated greatly over the past 18 years of food boundaries. For me, the peace is not in the weight but in the eating. Or rather, in the ability to stop eating constantly and compulsively.

So that’s a lot of free space in my brain now because I keep boundaries around my eating and avoid my drug foods. 

I firmly and fully believe that I only get to have the awful, cathartic, painful, wonderful, exhilarating, worthwhile experience of growing into my most authentic and content self by keeping my eating under control.

So I keep doing it. And now maybe I have a chance to be even better than I thought I could be.

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10 Mar 2024

Life is hard. Eating is a delight.

I have started and scrapped so many posts today. I am going through one of my “cascade” moments of learning. Where many things over many areas of my life, physically, emotionally, spiritually, seem to fall quickly into place and change my entire perspective on things. So there is so much to say. Too much with not enough information. From the universe to me, I mean.

So I guess what I want to say is that while terrifying, these growth spurts are always a blessing, no matter how painful. And they are only possible because I have my eating under control.

I am a sugar addict. I am an alcoholic with sugar. And I mean that literally. 

There is a saying among the people who do what I do with food. “My body is a still.” If human ingenuity can make it into alcohol, my body can probably do it faster. 

I spent a lot of time drunk on sugar growing up. And I acted like it. I passed out like an alcoholic. I lied, cheated, and stole like an alcoholic. I was unreliable. I was irritable. I hated myself like an alcoholic. But I was a drunk on French fries and candy bars.

So here I am, in the midst of a spiritual awakening – one of many so far – that is uncomfortable but also exciting, and it’s all because 18 years ago I chose to give up what I thought was the only joy in my life.

But instead I got a life beyond my wildest dreams. And then I got to understand that there was even something better than that. And I got that too. And I got to understand that I will keep getting to keep going.

I will admit that sometimes I get to a place in my life, and I wonder if this is where I will get stuck. Because I can’t imagine what could be on the other side. But there has always been another side. And it has always been better than the last.

What I really am is so grateful for the routine of my food boundaries. And for the belief that the best way to fight my sugar addiction is to eat abundantly of foods that I love that don’t get me drunk. So I can love my food. Find refuge and solace and joy in it.

Life is hard. Eating is a delight.

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