onceafatgirl

Peace is better than chocolate

Archive for the category “Relationships”

18 Jan 2026

An eat real food pyramid?

There is a new food pyramid. And…I…like it?!

There is seemingly only one hard division, making only two separate groups. The really big one with meat, dairy, fruits, vegetables and fats. And a small one with whole grains. And the directive to eat real food and limit ultra processed foods.

I say it all the time: I am not the food police. But I also have 28 years of experience in eating sugar and ultra processed foods nearly exclusively. And 20 years of eating mostly real food and not eating my drug foods. And I can tell you that everything about my life is different than it was before I got my eating under control. And part of it is *what* I was eating. 

My body, my mind, my hormones, my skin, my emotions, my cognitive functions, literally everything works better when I eat real food. That I also abstain from sugar and simple carbohydrates I’m sure helps.

Look, I DO still eat processed foods. Dehydrated cheese and pork rinds are indeed processed. Not like, say, pizza rolls and pop tarts, but still processed. There is propylene glycol in the chocolate flavor that I put in my ice cream. I sometimes wonder if I am single-handedly keeping sweet-n-low in business…

But most of my food is food. Butter and olive oil and green beans and gorgeous steaks and full fat Greek yogurt and so much bacon! 

I like that we as a culture are moving away from carbohydrates. Not because there is anything inherently wrong with them. But because the food industry in the US and the average American diet abuses them. Sugar and carbohydrates are the primary ingredients in our ultra processed diet. Always making ALL food sweeter. Not just sweets. To get us hooked enough to eat more than we want and much more than we need. People from other countries think our regular grocery store bread tastes like cake. I have seen sugar in frozen fish! I have had to stop buying so many products over the years because the formula changed to include sugar, starch, or alcohol in the first 4 ingredients. To this day I still read labels in case some sugar or starch got snuck in.

I know that not everyone is going to be addicted to sugar. Just like not everyone is going to be an alcoholic. But that doesn’t mean it’s not hurting everyone’s bodies and brains when they use it. 

I know that “fed is best” for all people, not just babies. I know that there are a million and one reasons, political, social, and personal, why someone may only eat processed foods. I am not the food police!

But I hope this change on a bigger scale can help change the ideas of people now, and find more young parents, more kids growing up now, and maybe make a difference for their kids in the future. And maybe that’s a kid who doesn’t end up an addict.

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04 Jan 2026

Patience is an ingredient

I was reading a multi-post social media thread about how to make the best banana bread, which is unusual for me. I don’t generally read posts about food. As a conscious  choice. 

But I was reading this one for whatever reason. And right there a few posts down were the words “patience is an ingredient.” And then I stopped reading. Because that was what I was there for. 

Not the process of how to make banana bread. The reminder that time does not move at my whim, that things worth doing are often done by process over long periods, that time takes time. 

These are all part of my personal “spiral staircase.” The lessons I am here on Earth to learn. That I keep coming around to but at a new level and with a new perspective, and a new understanding. But keep coming back to nonetheless.

I was a precocious child. Very clever. Quick on the uptake. And I expected to be a prodigy. I was not. 

And I likewise expected Life to come easily to me. Again, it did not. 

I had to learn delayed gratification, and slow and steady, and bare minimum for myself in what I can only assume is the most difficult way. Withdrawal.

But what I gained was a sense of time. 

When I first started putting boundaries around my eating 20 years ago, (January 2, 2006) I would look back at 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, and think really??? No cheating? Not even once? And it was so hard to believe that about myself. About my own integrity. Because I was so used to being untrustworthy. Like maybe for a day, or a week, I could do something. But months? And then years???

But the rules were clear. And I couldn’t trick myself if I broke them. So YES! I could confidently say yes. And getting those months and years took months and years. 

Every day that I keep my addiction and my compulsive eating under control, I know better that I am that trustworthy. That I have been. I no longer think it’s weird that I don’t cheat. And I don’t think it’s “unlike me.”

And every day that I keep my eating under control is a day to build on my learning, my making, my art, my craft, my relationships, my communities, the things that matter to me. 

So this year I am choosing Patience Is An Ingredient as my mantra. I am going to try to remember to honor where I am in all of my many processes, and also that old wisdom:

If you pray for patience, expect to be tested. 

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28 Dec 2025

Twenty years ago and a lifetime ago

Twenty years ago today I was pretty miserable. 

I don’t think about it much at all now. Not even as my anniversaries approach year by year. 

But someone said something to me recently that reminded me that 20 years ago right now, I was 28 years old, I was an exercise bulimic and a regular old stick a toothbrush down your throat bulimic, I had gained 30 pounds since Halloween two months earlier, and I was terrified because I could not see a way out. 

But also, it was good for me. A kind of shock to my system. I had hit a bottom. 

Once I started trying to make myself throw up, I could not pretend that I didn’t have a problem. We had reached After School Special levels of not okay.

As I approach my 20th anniversary this week, I get to really remember the excruciating pain of existing in the food. I could not stop eating. I could not stop punishing my body for it. With laxatives, with bulimia, with exercise to the point of and past injury, with harming myself any way I thought I had to so I could be in a different body. BUT STILL I COULD NOT STOP EATING!

So yes, it basically comes down to the fact that I am grateful for the ability to stop eating. Food thoughts don’t plague me. All of my eating is guilt free. I have a life beyond my wildest dreams. I have the ability to live a life between my meals. And love my meals 3 times a day. 

These boundaries are freedom. This freedom is liking, loving, and trusting myself. This is nearly two decades of increasing peace.

So here’s to my gratitude for the past almost 20 years and here’s to a lifetime more. 

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14 Dec 2025

An almost 20 year head start

I got my eating under control at 28. And that is a miracle. For me. But also, it’s not common. 

Most people (definitely not all) who come into food recovery are women. And most women come in about my age now. I’m 48. Essentially, when their hormones are changing. And when that need to please is greatly reduced.

I heard a woman say that society calls menopause “The Change” because that’s what it is for men. Their wives and mothers change. The women they relied on for everything are no longer as reliable, and some of the wives just LEAVE! (Can you imagine????) 

The older I get, and the less “reliable” my body gets, the MORE reliable my heart and soul and passion are. The more creative I am. The more proud I am of the time I spend learning and making and the product of my work. The more inspired and excited I am.

And I have all of this because in January of 2006 I decided that my sugar addiction had such a hold on me, that it would be better to give up all of my joy (I really thought that food was my only joy) than to live the rest of my life with the compulsion to eat and all of the shame that came with it.

A thing I hear a lot now is “I love your energy.” And they are right! I have great energy. I know I do because I WORK at it. And it’s a product of a lot of things that most people don’t actually like when it’s happening to them. 

You love my energy? I say NO to things that drain my energy. I limit my interactions with negativity and greed. I limit my interactions with drama. Even if I like you. Even if I love you. I say NO! I protect myself first, my family second, my friends third. 

And all of this is cumulative. I am just weeks shy of 20 years of taking care of my eating and letting that be the first step in taking care of the rest of my life. All of the rest of my life. So I have an almost 20 year head start of loving my body, of choosing my own peace and my own path, of living without resentment for the way I failed to measure up to someone else’s standards. An almost 20 year head start on so many women addicted to food, to sugar, to the idea of a perfect woman and the perfect body, or at least a “better body” that someone wants to sell us all. And I refuse to take that for granted. 

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07 Dec 2025

I already eat like it’s a celebration every day

I have been thinking a lot lately about how I eat well as a lifestyle. My husband and I spend money on quality food ingredients and cooking implements, and spend time cooking at home. We essentially eat like wealthy people. Though we don’t live like the rich and famous by any means. Unless you count an executive Costco membership…*bragging eyebrow waggle*

I had to entirely shift the way I thought about food when I first put boundaries around my eating. Eating was always a double edged experience before I got it under control. Either I was eating food I loved and craved and was ashamed of it because I was fat. Or I ate “healthy” options (not necessarily healthy in actuality, just low calorie) and hated the experience and felt like a martyr. 

When I got my eating under control the first thing the community told me was that “we eat the biggest and the best.” We love our food. We eat the foods we want. (Not sugar obviously…) If we want to eat the same foods every day, we are welcome to. As long as it is portion controlled and not a drug food. If we want to change it up every day, that is welcome too.

It meant there were rules that served me, and following them served me, and I knew when I was and was not following them. And when I was following them I was keeping a promise to myself.

And that, just the understanding that I could eat and not hate either the food or myself, was a revelation. And a freedom I didn’t want to give up. I say to this day that guilt free eating is the very best, number one thing about keeping my sugar and food boundaries. And if I lost every other benefit, just that would make it worth it.

As we come to the season of bowls of candy everywhere and homemade cookies on tables and big boxes of fruit and nut breads, I am reminded that I don’t need to do this anymore. I did it for 28 years. No holds barred. And I DID NOT GET TO ENJOY IT!

So it’s good for me to remember that I eat like it’s a celebration every day. And let the cookies lie. (I actually have zero interest in cookies. It turns out that when you don’t eat them for nearly two decades, your body doesn’t care anymore.)

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30 Nov 2025

Non-traditional day of gratitude

We did not end up going anywhere for Thanksgiving! I was all ready to go on Wednesday when my husband came home from work sick. 

He was going to drive me home in his company truck and then lay in bed except for diving me to and from my mom’s so I could have Thanksgiving with her. Because we haven’t seen her in a while. 

And honestly that is just dumb. I can drive myself. I have my own car. So I considered just driving myself to my mom’s and back on Thursday. But then I would be leaving my husband sick at home. (I don’t think he would care that it was Thanksgiving.) 

Plus, my mom and my stepdad have a trip planned for Antarctica in a couple of weeks. (That’s not a typo.) So my husband was also wary about one of us getting one of them sick.

Anyway I don’t care about traditional turkey dinner. (I was always in it for the lasagna at my Italian grandma’s house.) I don’t particularly like the meat. I don’t eat carbs so no stuffing or potatoes or candied anything. (No lasagna even if Gram were alive, sadly…) plus I don’t eat food in my food like in casseroles. I would be going to see my family. 

But then on Friday my husband was feeling a little better and we made a carb-free meatloaf (crushed pork rinds instead of breadcrumbs, and sugar-free ketchup) and I made sautéed green beans and he made himself mashed potatoes, and we made it together. 

And that really felt like Thanksgiving to me.

I’m sorry we didn’t get to see people this weekend. But we will see family for Christmas. (Not my mom and her husband. They will be in Antarctica. That is still not a typo.) Or in January for makeup holiday. 

And I got to be just as grateful in my own nontraditional way.

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23 Nov 2025

Wait, it’s the Holidays again?

I started my holiday season early this year. And didn’t even realize it.

I just got back to my husband and kitten after my second fun friend weekend in a row. (Yay me!) And next weekend is Thanksgiving, and we are actually going this year since we are less than a two hour drive from home. (We don’t usually do Thanksgiving because I don’t eat professionally anymore and neither of us care about turkey or the traditional foods.)

I’m not a consistently social person. I am the life of the party, certainly. But getting me to the party isn’t as easy as it used to be…But right now I want to be showing up for the people in my life. For my communities. Being a part of them. Being of service. Being available. Really, just being present. 

And through all of it I am probably going to bring my own food to most places. Or eat before or after. And not feel bad about it. Not bad about it for not eating the hosts’ food. Not bad about it that I don’t get to eat party food. Not bad about it that I am eating differently than everyone else in front of other people. Or not eating at all.

This will be my 19th holiday season of having my eating under control. And after all this time, it has never been easier. But even 19 years ago, when it was not easy, it was so much better than being obsessed and ashamed. 

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16 Nov 2025

The agony of a silly mistake with minimal consequences

I made a mistake this week. A really simple silly mistake with minimal consequences. And I got really upset.

Obviously.

I thought that a ladies night painting party I was attending was on Friday night. So I packed up the food I needed for one day and drove 2 hours to my other house on Friday and realized the party was Saturday. 

I texted my husband to let him know. And then I cried. Because I felt stupid. Because I was humiliated. Because I told my husband I would be back to take care of the cat on Saturday morning and now I would not be there until Sunday morning. (Yes, of course he is a fully capable man who was happy to take care of our cat.) Because I missed my cat. Oh and my husband.

And then I remembered that I trust that Life is giving me exactly the right things and that includes my own mistakes. And that I don’t even need to know how or why. I can just accept it and be exactly where I am without feeling like I should be anywhere else. 

Instead of being unhappy I caught up with the family at the house. And I ran some errands including getting enough food for the next day too. 

So when I went to the party I was not feeling stupid. Or like a bad cat mom. Or humiliated. I was fully present. I met the coolest new women. I made an abstract painting of my cat. I had a blast and I am back home with my husband and my cat.

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26 Oct 2025

Being just to be with another being

One thing I have noticed since getting my kitten, Harlow, is that she pulls me back to the present all the time. Which alerts me to the fact that I am not in the present a lot of the time. 

There are some things that I have learned over the past 19+ years of having my eating under control that go against the modern conventional wisdom. Like that I should be eating to live not living to eat. If a food program is going to be sustainable for me, I am going to have to be obsessed with the food. Or that the goal in life is to be present all the time. I am an artist and a creative. I do my best work in my fantasy world. Literally. 

But there is something that I don’t get in my daydream world. And that is peace. And Harlow brings me peace. A new kind of peace that I don’t have a lot of experience with. Being just to be with another being. 

Sometimes it is too much peace. I have literally never in my life slept so much in the day by accident. And I am not a good napper. I just wake up tired and disoriented and then have to make dinner…

Don’t get me wrong. I have a lot of worries and anxiety about her. Doing accidental harm is my biggest personal fear. But the relationship is easy. And being in the moment with her is easy. And that brings me a lot of peace in my everyday.

The other thing I have to remind myself of is that she has been so easy that I expect her to be easy about everything. And that makes me nervous to do things she won’t like. But we are both still capable. For example, she hasn’t  taken to harness training the way she has to all of the other things, like car rides and exploring 2 houses. And I have to actually do the work like I would have to with a cat with a difficult personality. 

And honestly. The worst she does is give me the side eye! She doesn’t even cry! So I am just that spoiled! 

I have lived my life for myself. And I have zero shame or regrets. It kept me from taking on responsibilities I didn’t want. It means I have a life I love that I chose for myself. But there is something special that I have never had before BECAUSE I didn’t want responsibility for another life. That I am now so grateful to have. 

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28 Sep 2025

The gifts of being a slow learner

I have my first pet at 48 years old. A little black kitten named Harlow Gold. And if she has taught me anything, it’s that I have not eradicated that part of my brain that does not trust me.

Growing up addicted to sugar and carbohydrates I never trusted myself. I shut down emotionally when things went wrong. I second guessed every decision. I blamed Life and circumstance and other people for every failure. And I saw failure as a state of existence rather than a momentary experience in a longer process. So ultimately, I was, indeed, untrustworthy. 

When I got my eating under control 19+ years ago I learned to trust myself. I was being more and more authentic. Doing things because I wanted to do them, not to obtain a specific reaction from a person or persons. And I began to honor my word. Have my very basic understanding of integrity. Doing what you saying you are going to do when you say you’re going to do it and telling the truth. Things I was not good at before. 

So I began to like and respect myself. By not eating drug foods. By mending relationships. By being accountable for my own actions and their repercussions. 

And all of that made me feel like I really trusted myself. Until I got a little life to take care of. And now I can hear all of my second guessing in my head. 

This is a thing I have a lot of feelings about. That I might harm others. I have theories about why I have these feelings/fears but regardless, I do have them. And now that I have this kitten, that I am already in love with, I am constantly wondering if I am doing the wrong things. Now with a life in the balance. 

I could never have done this if I were in the food. Because I could not manage my emotions.

The truth is that I am a responsible, grown, disciplined woman. I was a nanny for newborns and children. I am a good care taker and nurturer. I have always been able to do this. But could I *handle* it? For me? Aw hell no.

I am a slow learner. I used to think I was a fast learner. And then,  when I realized I was not fast, I was ashamed of being slow. But honoring that I am a slow learner means that I can be 28 years old and quit sugar, 38 years old and learn how to drive, 48 years old and have my first pet. And they can be done with more joy than fear. With more love than punishment. 

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